CD maybe this will help you to understand, Jon wrote this several years ago and its reprinted a lot here, lol :
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~
CD I am a double winner, sober many years now and almost as many in Alanon and I can tell you that when I was in the 'throes' of my affliction, Alcohol and drugs were my MASTER. I was as much a slave as the black people were before the Civil War.
Oh I loved my family, my children, and my grandchildren, but damn the alcohol and drugs HAD TO COME FIRST. When I said things while sober, I meant them, however, old King Alcohol would raise his ugly head and I was off and running. Only when I finally became sick and tired of being sick and tired was I able to seek help to learn how to change and live sober and clean.
Please remember the 3 C's:
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CONTROL it, and
You can't CURE it.
Alanon will help you a lot to work on you and work on your own goals. Please try at least 6 meetings, I do believe you will be pleasantly surprised at the help you will receive.
Hope this helps some to calm you and give you a little peace.
Love and hugs,