harleygirl92156

Here is what I know and some of what my recovering AH has explained to me since he got sober.The plans we made when he was sober were plans he intended following through with. BUT I knew when he was active and he made plans, promises and vows, it would never be. Now looking back I realize I was the one setting myself up for failure because I made myself believe he would or could keep his plans, promises and vows.

I would say all the things he said to you he meant. He probably did or does love you as much as an alcoholic can love. Their love is usually based on selfishness and manipulation, but only because that is all they know. There is healthy love and unhealthy love, but it is still love.

You don't have to walk away, the choice is yours. Living with an active alcoholic and being happy is possible, but it takes a lot of work, work on yourself to be able to detach with love.


My recovering AH told me that BECAUSE HE LOVED ME, when he was active, I was the enemy. Why? Because I and his love for me stood in the way of his drinking. When he drank he felt guilty because he knew how badly it hurt me, couldn't stand to look at me the next day, to see the hurt in my eyes, the pain in my face. So he made me the enemy because that was the only way he could continue drinking and he couldn't stop drinking even though he wanted to more than anything. Well, he couldn't quit alone anyway. I didn't understand this for a long time either, but when he explained it to me, in looking back on it, it made perfect sense to me. Sad, but true. They have to make themselves believe you are the enemy in order to keep doing what they are doing, doesn't mean they love you any less, it is just something they have to do, in their mind, to survive.

Do you go to Al anon? If not there could be help for you with this issue around the tables there.

That is good, it is a first step to taking care of yourself


I remember sitting home alone while he was out drinking and thinking, "if he really loved me he wouldnt do this to me." Well, now I realize he wasn't doing ANYTHING to me, he was doing it to himself. They are so self destructive. My husband has told me, he never wanted to hurt me, it was the last thing he wanted to do. Said he would go with the guys for a drink after work because it was someones birthday, anniversary, they got a new car, they had a hang nail, you get the drift....lol....and when he got to the bar he would tell himself he was only going to have one or two and he meant it. Said he would tell himself, he could only stay 30 minutes then he had to go. Then he said all of a sudden it was 5 hours later and 10 o'clock and he had no idea how that much time had passed, he knew he was already in deep dodo at home so he might as well just stay cause if was going to get in trouble he might as wall delay it as long as possible so he would close down the bar and head home to take his licks and by golly, there I was waiting to give them to him.

I don't know him, but I would say most likely he meant some of them, but some were probably manipulation to get you to do and act the way he wanted.

I doubt that he hates you, like I said, he probably sees you as the enemy now because he feelings for you make the guilt come and he can't deal with the guilt so he can't deal his with his feelings. Alcoholic don't turn feelings off, they drown them sad as it is, that's what they do.


Alcoholics are very hard if not impossible to understand. I would suggest learning as much as you can about the disease and that should help you understand more about what he goes through dealing with the disease he has.
As far as the pain, it is there, you can deal with it or walk away from it, the choice is yours, but which ever choice you make, do it for YOU. Take care of you, and let him take care of himself. You can love someone while taking care of yourself and remember, loving someone doesn't mean you have to give up who you are and what you stand for or will stand for. Take some time and really think this through carefully, is this something you are ready to live with the rest of your life?
Remember the three C's.
YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT
YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT
YOU CAN'T CURE IT