Thank you all for your kind words and virtual hugs. I know there are so many of us out there that suffer the abuse in so many ways.
Sleep was difficult at first, it was tougher to wake up and open my eyes this morning. First thoughts - not happy ones. I guess my subconsious went into overload.
Today, I fill more boxes, wishing I had more.
I look around at everything I can give away or trash - maybe sell.
Possessions.....they certainly tie you down <sigh>
The birds are chirping, fluttering everywhere, feeding frenzie on all the plants and flowers. They are a joy to watch, so carefree - avoiding danger, never having to face the trauma of their offspring or sibling with addiction. I can get lost in the birds, but then something triggers the "thoughts".
Call last night telling me he was pressing charges against me and the cops were coming to get me. So ironic, I hear a car door close, dogs go crazy, tell him they are here. He wanted to wait on the phone (LOL). No calls after that. Did he finally lay down to sleep, or go off on another binge? See, that's the problem. Those THOUGHTS. You know the ones...the sirens, the mental images, the breaking news on the television...do I go on?
I am fighting the urge of tears today. Wish me strength on that, if you will. Eventually, I can replace the thoughts.
How I so miss my father. I can't believe any of this ever would have happened. He was the strongest influence in his life. When he died, everything fell apart.
As for God punishing me, I wish I could think otherwise, but for now (and really for a long, long time) I believe otherwise. Maybe I'll wise up soon and know that He is there to help, not condemn. I just feel I served my time - why does the punishment continue?
PBG