My heart just can't take this -- again

Old 09-01-2007, 07:19 PM
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My heart just can't take this -- again

It's starting again. I was married to the same crap. I left him, years ago to get my out of a horrendous situation and not subject my child to this type of life. I can't say the leaving was easy, but it was the only solution.

Years pass, life - a life I thought was fairly decent - goes on. Son connects with drugs, drugs and more drugs and begins a downhill spiral on heroin. Jail plays a picture (although it should have been mandated rehab, not jail given the reasons he was picked up). Rehab came into play 28 days after release. He didn't really learn a lesson.

In the next year or so there's always some problem, but not as severe as it had been. It worked out a little easier, he moved out, so I didn't have to face this on a day to day basis. My health got better, like a miracle -- almost overnight.

The last month apprently has been absolute and positive hell. that good-for-nothing methadone program starts and that seems to replace the street high. however, there's a mix of pills for pain, pills for sleep, pills for this, pills for that. i think pot was in the mix too.

In the last week, cops day and night. Today was the worst of the worst. I want to type every single thing that happened today, but my tears, after 11 hours have finally dried. We've all been there, we all lived it. The names and the days of the week just change. It would sound like I was making some of it up, but my imagination could never come up with the crap that happens. It was worse than a month of jerry springer episodes.

I'm to blame for everything ~~ his horrible life, his addiction. He can't find tomorrow's dose that the good-for-nothing clinic just gives out for their closed day (and of course monday because it is a holiday), so it will be my fault if he has to go to where ever it is he goes to get hs illegal stuff. "is that what you want mom, you want me to get high? you don't want me to get better"?

methodone is getting better? what a freakin joke that program is.

My heart aches. I have those horrible visions of him laying somewhere with a needle extended and that's how he's found...for the last time. I can't bear it anymore. I can't take it, I don't want to. My life for the last 25 years has been this type of life.

I am not writing this to say "poor me", I am doing this for a little self-therapy as well. I want to run, I want to hide, I want to separate myself from it all. Go away, far away...get while the getting is (not so) good.

I'm tired of being stolen from. I'm tired of one more job that is lost. I'm tired of hearing what I did and didn't do - good, bad or indifferent. I'm sick that my grandbaby was put in the middle of this. I'm sicker that she's gone.

It's rare that anyone will help anymore. They don't care - they really don't. The only solution I ever hear is call the cops. Then those that do try to lend a hand get verbally abused and walk away not wanting to deal with it. Or the others, who also indulge in a little something here and there are trying to help, but then accosted because they do stuff. (i so know this particular guy meant well, and maybe he was trying more for me because he heard it in my voice, saw it in my eyes, read it in my tears).

I often wonder why God has punished me - this is what I get so upset about. My faith has been destroyed when it should be uplifted. I feel God has desserted me, I really do. I scream at God sometimes. Yes, I know He's out there - when I look at the sky, the mountains, the beauty in life, I know he's there...but where is He in my life? in my heart? Prayers...what a joke.

Friends are few and far between. My house is just that - a house - four walls that hold no fond memories. It started out good, but a year or so after is when it all started. I could leave it in a heartbeat, it bears only heartache. I've changed my locks too many times. I lock my windows, but that doesn't help. There's always a lie, there's always an excuse, there's always a denial and there's always exaggeration. There's always that chance that this is the last time.

I want to walk away. Possessions really tie you down. I stood looking out the door tonight knowing I could walk away but how my possessions tie me down. If there wasn't a household full, I'd jump in my car and go. My mortgage company would foreclose and all my "stuff" would be sold or auctioned or however that works. How true, come into the world with nothing , leave with nothing. Time to downsize - time to say screw it to possessions.

There's a program I found that really sounds like a phenomenal program, but I'm not a junkie, so I don't have the same thought processes, so i don't know how and if it will really work. It is not based on the 12 step program or the idea that it is a disease. i am not a proponet of the "it's a disease". it's a choice - a poor choice at that.

Sins of the father...affect the son.
Step son - RIP
BIL - RIP
Father - 59 or 50, still travelling down the same path. Good BIL is dealing with his nonsense these days as his THIRD wife threw him out after not being able to deal with him anymore
SON - (mine) - JUNKIE

How many times does someone have to hit the bottom. What exactly is rock bottom? I've seen so much loss that I would consider those things rock bottom, but apparently it doesn't seem to be enough. Loose your job, your home, your freedom, your family...what more is there?

Oh what that poor baby had to endure, if only for a hort period of time. Her cries. The mother, not so innocent, but really wanting the best for her baby, but yet she went home to her mother -- a drunk and cocaine user. She cried about that. My door is always open, she knows that. Will she use it?

Am I wrong to want to move away, for me and only me, to go where I want to be and be free and clear of any ugliness I have to be subjected to here?

I've basically faced all of these trials and tribulations, inbetween all other life trial and tribulations, ALONE. oh!!!! what a real hug would mean right now. <sigh>

My heart aches, my eyes are heavy, the tears begin again...so i end this ranting.

I have truly been punished by God.

Last edited by PunishedByGod; 09-01-2007 at 07:36 PM. Reason: additions, typo's
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Old 09-01-2007, 07:45 PM
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(((Punished)))
Sending you a big HUG right now!!! Can you feel it?? I hope so. There are so many people on this forum who have walked in your shoes. The addict in my life is my daughter.
I can feel the pain and heartache in your post and my heart breaks for you.
Yes, you deserve to be happy and away from this chaos that has been part of your life for the last 25 years. You deserve better for YOU.
Please know that we care here at SR. Please don't give up on a good life for yourself.
Keep posting and reading others stories here. I can't tell you how much this place helped me gain my sanity back. It feels much better for me now. No, things are not perfect with my addict, but they are better for me because I choose to take a different path than I did before.
Sending love and hugs to you.
Terri
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Old 09-01-2007, 08:29 PM
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P,
I have been there. Same story with my son. He's in jail right now, and actually, I am feeling a lot better because of it.
Honey, he spit in my face and nearly broke my car door off, told me he hated me and all the rest.
If I had not had alanon under my belt I would have hauled off and busted him in the face. But, I didn't. I just let him go. I didn't even respond to him. He looked at me with that crazy look after he did all this, and I knew deep inside him, he regretted it.
Drugs make people crazy. Then they blame us for their misery instead of looking in the mirror and seeing the real problem.

As for God punishing you, what have you done that you think you're being punished for? Is it the actions of others who have convinced you it's all your fault?

I know I have done some pretty bad things in my life, but I have always had the opposite feeling about God. If I didn't have him to lean on daily, I would surely have gone insane. And I know full well anything I do that's wrong, I should expect the consequences. I don't blame him, I blame ME!!

I do hope you are feeling better soon.
Keep posting and venting. It will make you feel better, and you will find you get a lot out of this site. I sure did.
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Old 09-01-2007, 09:03 PM
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I hear your pain and understand. My father, brother, stepfather died as a direct result of alcoholism. My son is an addict. he's in prison and I'm at peace. At one time I was so miserable and depressed I thought I and my entire family were cursed and life was never ending pain and loss.
You are not alone. I'm glad you found us. This is a safe place. We offer support and understanding. We care and share and do not judge. There are many Moms here who've experienced the same gut wrenching pain you feel. And they've found relief
from the pain and renewed hope for their own lives whether or not the addict finds recovery. Welcome to SR.
I open my arms to you. Sending a big warm hug.
No, you are not wrong for wanting to move away, wanting to be free, wanting to take care of just you and you deserve peace and freedom.
As codependents, taking care of ourselves is our focus in recovery.
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Old 09-01-2007, 09:03 PM
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Originally Posted by PunishedByGod
Am I wrong to want to move away, for me and only me, to go where I want to be and be free and clear of any ugliness I have to be subjected to here?
I think this statement to me sounds like God speaking to you. Just consider for one moment that God has been telling you to leave. Things don't mean nothing if there is no happiness. God is about love, joy and happiness. I just think He would be showing you how to find love and happiness. God is way too cool to be putting this addiction stuff on you. Never forget the power of your own will and that even God can't force your will. He wants us to choose Him over addiction, unhappiness and thingssssssss He could make you but He won't cause He don't want you if you ain't freely choosing Him. I believe God does communicate with us but sometimes we don't pay Him much attention cause we are too involved with our stuff. Believe me I got as big a load o' stuff as you do maybe even bigger.

I'll bet good 'ole God could help you a lot more than you let Him. If God is telling you to leave He will also know how to help you see that you can be a winner with Him cause with him all things are possible.
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Old 09-01-2007, 09:51 PM
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Punished,
We have all felt punished at one time or another, I'm so sorry for your pain. My son is my addict. I have been dealing with this for 3 years. I know how tiring it is. Just from reading your post, I think you need to talk to someone.Coming to the forum is a life saver, but you need an outsider who can give you perspective. You have lost yourself in their addictions. It's time to get yourself back. Hugs to you.
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Old 09-01-2007, 11:24 PM
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I just wanted to say that I'm so very sorry for what you're going through. I don't have any words about a program or about God for you. I'm just sorry you're hurting so badly and you're in my thoughts
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Old 09-02-2007, 07:12 AM
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I have felt the same way many times. I don't think God is punishing me any longer, the actions of others and us allowing it are punishing..for what, I don't know. I have learned that in the worst of times, God is walking with me, sometimes carrying me when I can't take another step.

Someone on this forum told me to imagine my daughter doing her "thing" and God was there with her, she chose to ignore him. I visualize that daily. Her walking and his arms outstretched waiting on her, and she keeps on going down the wrong path. I hope maybe that image will help you.

God is there, he is good. Sometimes the evil in the world is what is punishing and making it look like God. The ultimate lie!

Prayers for you
susan
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Old 09-02-2007, 07:15 AM
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Thank you all for your kind words and virtual hugs. I know there are so many of us out there that suffer the abuse in so many ways.

Sleep was difficult at first, it was tougher to wake up and open my eyes this morning. First thoughts - not happy ones. I guess my subconsious went into overload.

Today, I fill more boxes, wishing I had more.
I look around at everything I can give away or trash - maybe sell.
Possessions.....they certainly tie you down <sigh>

The birds are chirping, fluttering everywhere, feeding frenzie on all the plants and flowers. They are a joy to watch, so carefree - avoiding danger, never having to face the trauma of their offspring or sibling with addiction. I can get lost in the birds, but then something triggers the "thoughts".

Call last night telling me he was pressing charges against me and the cops were coming to get me. So ironic, I hear a car door close, dogs go crazy, tell him they are here. He wanted to wait on the phone (LOL). No calls after that. Did he finally lay down to sleep, or go off on another binge? See, that's the problem. Those THOUGHTS. You know the ones...the sirens, the mental images, the breaking news on the television...do I go on?

I am fighting the urge of tears today. Wish me strength on that, if you will. Eventually, I can replace the thoughts.

How I so miss my father. I can't believe any of this ever would have happened. He was the strongest influence in his life. When he died, everything fell apart.

As for God punishing me, I wish I could think otherwise, but for now (and really for a long, long time) I believe otherwise. Maybe I'll wise up soon and know that He is there to help, not condemn. I just feel I served my time - why does the punishment continue?

PBG
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Old 09-02-2007, 08:37 AM
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I want to say welcome. Another mom here, daughter is the addict, age 21, only child. It can and does get better, but you have to be willing to let go of your son. Let go of the images in your head of what can happen, because most of the time all that is is projecting a future that may or may not happen. I no longer spend time thinking about what is happening to my daughter. She has her journey and I have mine. Taking care of you, whether that means moving away or not, is the most important thing that you can do for you and for your son. If he breaks into your house, press charges. If he calls you, don't answer the phone. He can only blame you if you let him. Tell him that you love him, but that you are giving his addiction back to the person who owns it-him. My daughter was brought up in a loving, two parent household and was given everything that she needed to succeed. She chose drugs. End of story. It is not your fault that he chooses drugs. That is the addict talking to you. Wanting you to believe that you caused it so that he can continue to use and abuse you. You have the power to stop it. Take baby steps if need be. Hang up on him when he starts his crap. Refuse to let him into your house and your life. There is much beauty in the world that has nothing to do with addiction. Sending you some big mom hugs and some healing prayers. Hugs, Marle
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Old 09-02-2007, 10:18 AM
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Feeling punished by God is as old as time. The story's been told in the bible. Job is a victim of suffering he cannot understand. He loses everything. Through it all he does not lose faith in God although he questions God and asks why he is being punished. God restores his soul and life with bounty.
I was in a state of pain, darkness and anguish when I went to my first Alanon meeting. Alanon saved my life. I discovered that while pain
is a part of life, suffering is optional.

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Old 09-02-2007, 02:31 PM
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Punished
I hope you are doing a little better now. I know what you meant about the crying. Once I got started, I never could stop crying until I was all empty. But I think the cry did me good in a way. Anyway, I hope you are better. I don't think you are being punished; God brought you here to this site and I think it will help strengthen you. We will always have bad days and memories that haunt us, but I allow myself to have more good days than bad ones these days. I have found that I have more control over that then I thougt I did. Hang in there; it does get better. Sending more mom hugs your way.
Terri
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Old 09-02-2007, 04:34 PM
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(((((((hugs from another mom )))))) Have you read info about detachment ?
It sounds like you are awfully emeshed in your son's addiction. I know it seems impossible, but many of us figure detachment out and then the pain of an addicted adult child lessons. You don't deserve to be in such pain. My heart goes out to you.
Glad you are here, welcome
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Old 09-02-2007, 06:47 PM
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Punished...you haven't done anything wrong!! I went through the same feelings wondering where I went wrong with my 20 year old son who has been using drugs since the 8th grade!! I was home for him..provided for him..encouraged and loved him...and gave him the security that some kids only long for. After finding this site I realized that it's his own actions that have caused him all his problems..not mine. He made his own choices. You have people that care here!!
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Old 09-02-2007, 07:37 PM
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i can feel the pain you are going through. i am so sorry for your hurt.welcome to S.R. this site saved my sanity.i too am the mother of an addict son.untill i found recovery for myself i blamed my self for my son becoming an addict.i learned i did not CAUSE it,i can not CONTROL it & i can not CURE it.my son made the choice to use & continue to use even tho he is 36yrs. old & been using crack since he was 23
it did not take him long to be serve his 1st prison sentence.he has in been more than out the last 12yrs.what saved my sanity is i've learnt to let go & let God, i learned to let go or be dragged.you can have a happy life when you realize that it is his problem & not yours.there is nothing you can do for your son except pray for him.detatch with love & no matter what let him go.an addict blames anybody for there use. it hurts like heck to see our children do the things they do & say the things they say to us but it is not them it is the drug. i do not know if my son will ever hit his bottom, some addicts don't but i know i am going to be ok.please read around & read the sticky at the top of the forum especially "what addicts do".you are among others that know your pain & feel it because we all have been right where you are. you can not change your son but you can change yourself.please keep coming back.we will hold your hand & walk with you. i am saying a prayer for you & your son.hugs, hope
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Old 09-03-2007, 11:30 AM
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God of Retribution?

Originally Posted by PunishedByGod View Post
As for God punishing me, I wish I could think otherwise, but for now (and really for a long, long time) I believe otherwise. Maybe I'll wise up soon and know that He is there to help, not condemn. I just feel I served my time - why does the punishment continue?

PBG
I am so sorry to read about your pain. The addict in my life is my brother, and my mother says things that are similar to what you've posted. She blames herself, but mostly, she blames my father and his wife (long story).

I grew up in a church that preached retribution. Do something bad, God will punish you. Don't do something God wants you to do, God will punish you. These suposed infractions were simple things like missing a church service, fudging on your tithing, etc.

It took me 32 years to get over that fear-based indoctrination, and I'm never going back, EVER. I don't believe in a God that punishes people; people punish themselves more than adequately. I also absolutely reject the idea of a God who punishes one person for the behavior of someone else. If God is love, then why would God "visit the sins" of one person on another, especially an innocent child?

Sorry, but I reject that kind of a God. I thought God was about unconditional love?

I just wanted to share this because it breaks my heart to see people who are hurting have that hurt exacerbated by fire-and-brimstone religion.
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Old 09-03-2007, 02:14 PM
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In the last week, cops day and night. Today was the worst of the worst. I want to type every single thing that happened today, but my tears, after 11 hours have finally dried. We've all been there, we all lived it. The names and the days of the week just change. It would sound like I was making some of it up, but my imagination could never come up with the crap that happens. It was worse than a month of jerry springer episodes.
I remember feeling like that, I remember living in hell and not knowing how to get out of the darkness. And I remember being mad at God, feeling so rejected and overlooked. I remember.

Like the song "Old Man River" I was tired of living and scared of dying.

So I prayed. And I reached out to people at a meeting, found support from people who understood, and I prayed some more.

Today I stand in the light. Today I know I was being led, and sometimes I don't move so easy. Today I say a prayer and give my son to God each day and then live my life well and in faith that my son is taken care of.

You can get out of hell too. I'll share my candle and hold your hand and just walk with us a while. I promise it will get better because it did for me.

I remember.

Hugs from one mother's heart to another
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Old 09-03-2007, 04:30 PM
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(((((((Punished)))))))
I cried with you when I read your thread. I felt every word, because I to have walked the same path as you.......only with my daughter. I have lived this for 6 yrs.
Today all is not perfect in my world but I can handle what I am given to handle. Believe me when I say I've been given a lot to handle. I have always had God on my side no matter what. Recently because of events that have taken place in my daughters life that she reaveled to me......I lost it. I am very mad at God right now and I am having a lot of trouble finding my strength in God. I don't like the feeling but I feel like He has deserted me. I do take some comfort in the fact that the things that happen are not always what they seem. Sometimes we have to walk through the pain for various reasons......part of the plan to get us to where we need to be. I also rely on the fact that if He takes us to it He will bring us through it. I think it is okay to be mad at God.......my God would understand.

I'm so glad that you found us........we will walk with you. There is someone here any time of the day or night. I wish I could reach out and hug you tight. Please know that I am sending you a lot of hugs and peaceful thoughts.

Blessings...........Lo
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Old 09-03-2007, 05:05 PM
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Punished.....I wanted to add one more thing. You ask about rock bottom. Well, I can tell you I thought for sure that my AD would have reached her bottom when she was living out in L.A. with her ABF and her pushed he out of a moving car and right into brain surgery. Well, it wasn't.....I flew out there to be with her and the day she was discharged from the hospital she went out and got drugs. The whole one side of her head was stapled together and that didn't stop her. I left her there to fend for herself and I flew to the other end of the states. Her ABF was in jail, she had no one. I cried my eyes out for 3000 miles. Finally she detoxed herself and I sent her a plane ticket and she came home. She was skin and bones but she was clean and sober. Since then she has relapsed a couple of times but seems to get back on track by herself. He last relapse sent her to a stint in jail. She is facing a hearing on Thurs. the outcome remains to be seen. She has been sober for about 6 weeks now. I know that I can't do anything for her anymore.....it's all up to her. I have learned that the bottom is when "the pain of using becomes greater than the pain of not using." Today my daughter looks good, she has gained weight, her hair all grew back and she is healed from the surgery.

I hope you can find some peace and comfort here.

Luv........Lo

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Old 09-03-2007, 07:50 PM
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I don't believe in a vindictive God either. I'm so sorry you are feeling so much pain. Sometimes it does seem overwhelming. I know if I didn't have the support, expereince and wisdom of others who have walked this journey too, I never would have made it through the pain and to the light. It does get better once you can take the focus off him and love yourself enough to choose to heal.



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