P,
I have been there. Same story with my son. He's in jail right now, and actually, I am feeling a lot better because of it.
Honey, he spit in my face and nearly broke my car door off, told me he hated me and all the rest.
If I had not had alanon under my belt I would have hauled off and busted him in the face. But, I didn't. I just let him go. I didn't even respond to him. He looked at me with that crazy look after he did all this, and I knew deep inside him, he regretted it.
Drugs make people crazy. Then they blame us for their misery instead of looking in the mirror and seeing the real problem.
As for God punishing you, what have you done that you think you're being punished for? Is it the actions of others who have convinced you it's all your fault?
I know I have done some pretty bad things in my life, but I have always had the opposite feeling about God. If I didn't have him to lean on daily, I would surely have gone insane. And I know full well anything I do that's wrong, I should expect the consequences. I don't blame him, I blame ME!!
I do hope you are feeling better soon.
Keep posting and venting. It will make you feel better, and you will find you get a lot out of this site. I sure did.