PunishedByGod

It's starting again. I was married to the same crap. I left him, years ago to get my out of a horrendous situation and not subject my child to this type of life. I can't say the leaving was easy, but it was the only solution.

Years pass, life - a life I thought was fairly decent - goes on. Son connects with drugs, drugs and more drugs and begins a downhill spiral on heroin. Jail plays a picture (although it should have been mandated rehab, not jail given the reasons he was picked up). Rehab came into play 28 days after release. He didn't really learn a lesson.

In the next year or so there's always some problem, but not as severe as it had been. It worked out a little easier, he moved out, so I didn't have to face this on a day to day basis. My health got better, like a miracle -- almost overnight.

The last month apprently has been absolute and positive hell. that good-for-nothing methadone program starts and that seems to replace the street high. however, there's a mix of pills for pain, pills for sleep, pills for this, pills for that. i think pot was in the mix too.

In the last week, cops day and night. Today was the worst of the worst. I want to type every single thing that happened today, but my tears, after 11 hours have finally dried. We've all been there, we all lived it. The names and the days of the week just change. It would sound like I was making some of it up, but my imagination could never come up with the crap that happens. It was worse than a month of jerry springer episodes.

I'm to blame for everything ~~ his horrible life, his addiction. He can't find tomorrow's dose that the good-for-nothing clinic just gives out for their closed day (and of course monday because it is a holiday), so it will be my fault if he has to go to where ever it is he goes to get hs illegal stuff. "is that what you want mom, you want me to get high? you don't want me to get better"?

methodone is getting better? what a freakin joke that program is.

My heart aches. I have those horrible visions of him laying somewhere with a needle extended and that's how he's found...for the last time. I can't bear it anymore. I can't take it, I don't want to. My life for the last 25 years has been this type of life.

I am not writing this to say "poor me", I am doing this for a little self-therapy as well. I want to run, I want to hide, I want to separate myself from it all. Go away, far away...get while the getting is (not so) good.

I'm tired of being stolen from. I'm tired of one more job that is lost. I'm tired of hearing what I did and didn't do - good, bad or indifferent. I'm sick that my grandbaby was put in the middle of this. I'm sicker that she's gone.

It's rare that anyone will help anymore. They don't care - they really don't. The only solution I ever hear is call the cops. Then those that do try to lend a hand get verbally abused and walk away not wanting to deal with it. Or the others, who also indulge in a little something here and there are trying to help, but then accosted because they do stuff. (i so know this particular guy meant well, and maybe he was trying more for me because he heard it in my voice, saw it in my eyes, read it in my tears).

I often wonder why God has punished me - this is what I get so upset about. My faith has been destroyed when it should be uplifted. I feel God has desserted me, I really do. I scream at God sometimes. Yes, I know He's out there - when I look at the sky, the mountains, the beauty in life, I know he's there...but where is He in my life? in my heart? Prayers...what a joke.

Friends are few and far between. My house is just that - a house - four walls that hold no fond memories. It started out good, but a year or so after is when it all started. I could leave it in a heartbeat, it bears only heartache. I've changed my locks too many times. I lock my windows, but that doesn't help. There's always a lie, there's always an excuse, there's always a denial and there's always exaggeration. There's always that chance that this is the last time.

I want to walk away. Possessions really tie you down. I stood looking out the door tonight knowing I could walk away but how my possessions tie me down. If there wasn't a household full, I'd jump in my car and go. My mortgage company would foreclose and all my "stuff" would be sold or auctioned or however that works. How true, come into the world with nothing , leave with nothing. Time to downsize - time to say screw it to possessions.

There's a program I found that really sounds like a phenomenal program, but I'm not a junkie, so I don't have the same thought processes, so i don't know how and if it will really work. It is not based on the 12 step program or the idea that it is a disease. i am not a proponet of the "it's a disease". it's a choice - a poor choice at that.

Sins of the father...affect the son.
Step son - RIP
BIL - RIP
Father - 59 or 50, still travelling down the same path. Good BIL is dealing with his nonsense these days as his THIRD wife threw him out after not being able to deal with him anymore
SON - (mine) - JUNKIE

How many times does someone have to hit the bottom. What exactly is rock bottom? I've seen so much loss that I would consider those things rock bottom, but apparently it doesn't seem to be enough. Loose your job, your home, your freedom, your family...what more is there?

Oh what that poor baby had to endure, if only for a hort period of time. Her cries. The mother, not so innocent, but really wanting the best for her baby, but yet she went home to her mother -- a drunk and cocaine user. She cried about that. My door is always open, she knows that. Will she use it?

Am I wrong to want to move away, for me and only me, to go where I want to be and be free and clear of any ugliness I have to be subjected to here?

I've basically faced all of these trials and tribulations, inbetween all other life trial and tribulations, ALONE. oh!!!! what a real hug would mean right now. <sigh>

My heart aches, my eyes are heavy, the tears begin again...so i end this ranting.

I have truly been punished by God.