Hurt Feelings
When my AH stopped taking pills, I was relieved. I had a little thought in the back of my head that things would go back to normal and that he loved me enough and wanted to save our marriage enough to finally to stop taking them, so recently when he told me the real reason he stopped taking pills was because he was tired of it, tired of feeling bad all the time, tired of medical problems he knew were being caused by it and just tired of the ups and downs, he wanted to get healthy, MY FEELINGS WERE HURT.
As much as I logically knew in my head that my husband wouldn't get clean until he was ready and then for his reasons only, this really hurt my feelings. The old feelings of not being enough for him, him not loving me enough to quit and all of that came back to me. All those feelings of self doubt and worthlessness tried to sneak their way into my head.
I had to stop myself and remember, he didn't do this to me, he was just doing it. My feelings are MINE to own and no one can control my feelings but ME. All the things I learned I had to start to reapply.
See I know in my head my husband loves me and wants our marriage to work. I know that he cares about me. He shows me this by actions every single day.
Truthfully, when he said that, I had to stop myself from blurting out a statement that resembled "yeah, I knew you never loved me enough to stop it for me". Its been a couple of weeks since that happened and its taken me this couple of weeks to work through it.
My point in this post is that just as an addict can't get lazy in their recovery programs and on working on themselves, neither can we.
As codies, its ingrained in us to have that self-doubt and that worry. Its something that has made its home in our head and can always rear its ugly head when the moment is right. Working some sort of program helps to keep the tools you need to be able to get through those moments at hand.