Jwife22

When my AH stopped taking pills, I was relieved. I had a little thought in the back of my head that things would go back to normal and that he loved me enough and wanted to save our marriage enough to finally to stop taking them, so recently when he told me the real reason he stopped taking pills was because he was tired of it, tired of feeling bad all the time, tired of medical problems he knew were being caused by it and just tired of the ups and downs, he wanted to get healthy, MY FEELINGS WERE HURT.

As much as I logically knew in my head that my husband wouldn't get clean until he was ready and then for his reasons only, this really hurt my feelings. The old feelings of not being enough for him, him not loving me enough to quit and all of that came back to me. All those feelings of self doubt and worthlessness tried to sneak their way into my head.

I had to stop myself and remember, he didn't do this to me, he was just doing it. My feelings are MINE to own and no one can control my feelings but ME. All the things I learned I had to start to reapply.

See I know in my head my husband loves me and wants our marriage to work. I know that he cares about me. He shows me this by actions every single day.

Truthfully, when he said that, I had to stop myself from blurting out a statement that resembled "yeah, I knew you never loved me enough to stop it for me". Its been a couple of weeks since that happened and its taken me this couple of weeks to work through it.

My point in this post is that just as an addict can't get lazy in their recovery programs and on working on themselves, neither can we.

As codies, its ingrained in us to have that self-doubt and that worry. Its something that has made its home in our head and can always rear its ugly head when the moment is right. Working some sort of program helps to keep the tools you need to be able to get through those moments at hand.

Selah

Agreed. It's funny how upset I get w/ my abf thinking he needs to just "stop" - stop for me, stop for us, stop for you, stop for your family & job...but no I think he is stopping b/c is sick too. tired of bleeding, throwing up, stomach pain...destorying his body. He left for rehab on tuesday - I hope it works. but this self doubt this cynical attitude I've developed...makes me unsure that rehab is a guarantee...how do you let go of all the awful things in the past he did while on pills...realize his addiction & recovery has nothign to do with you - and still life everyday happily when you're fully aware a relapse could be right around the corner...man it's tough.

Wascally Wabbit

Excellent point. I had gone through all kinds of hell with my xah's addiction then add porn to that and whew, I just about thought there was nothing about me that he wants any more, and it must be something I did.
When I read up on porn addiction, I began to see, IT WASN"T ME.

hope213

(((((laura))))

greeteachday

Thanks so much for sharing this Laura. I admire your strengt6h and honesty as well as your commitment to working on your recovery. I've found too that if I am not vigilant, the old thoughts and reactions sneak back quite easily. Self doubt and feeling less than seem to just wait to creep back if I get lazy.

HKAngel24

Laura-

Thanks for sharing. You are so right. I think that those involved in romantic relationships with addicts find it so hard to come to grips with the uncontrollableness of their addiction. We WANT a happy life with THEM but WE can't choose whether or not they get themselves healthy and CHOOSE recovery.
I still struggle with this tremendously.
And you are so right, the minute I STOP remembering that I am ME and I need to remain in the fence surrounding ME and all of who I am and become comfortable with that- I regress and return to "doing what I've always done."

Jwife22

(((Selah)))--
Rehab isn't a guarantee.....many many folks on here have been to rehab over and over again. Its only when they are truly ready and willing that they will take the steps to become clean. I pray that this is his time and he is ready.

Forgiveness was a big one for me. I posted about it some time ago. Some very wise folks on here finally got it through my thick skull that forgiveness wasn't for them, it was for ME. Once I forgave, alot of the anger and pain went with it.

Its tough with an addict, either one who is still active or one who is clean. Things change, you change and so will he. The relapse around the corner thing....its there, in my head as being a possibility and I use it as a tool to keep me from gaining unrealistic expections from him and from our relationship. I know its always a possibility but I can't dwell on it...there's a possibility of ANYTHING happening. There's a possibility that I'll break my leg tomorrow but I don't dwell on that and not do things that I would enjoy or things that I want to do today.

PS. My history professor in college used to tell us that the only guarantees in life were death and taxes. I believe it.

(((happysoul)))) Absolutely it does. It turned me into a different person....everyone noticed. Recovery stopped that in its tracks and helped me learn to reverse the thoughts.

(((wascally))) The porn addiction would have made it even worse. I completely agree with that. I'm so glad that we can realize that its not US, its THEM.

(((Hope)))

(((Greet))) It is amazing that those thoughts can sneak up on us so quickly and so cunningly. Vigilance is what it takes to keep my head on straight. I've learned so much from you and see how strong you are so it makes me feel a little better that you have the same issues with those thoughts as I do.

(((Heather))) It is hard. Control is the hardest thing for me to give up. When you feel like you have some control, its easier to think that you can still change them. I suppose that's why admitting we are powerless over our addicts is such an important step in the beginning of our recovery. Its also a step that I must go back to sometimes, not only when dealing with my husband, but in dealing with people in general.