"How does it affect your today"
My sponsor recently asked me this,,as I was relating my insecurities about a new relationship I was in,,,
The challenge is putting my new TOOLS to work, and keeping in the positivie about myself. Like you, I am finding myself going back to all the verbal abuse my XA use to lay on me when it came to the control he had over me to continue my enabling him to drink.
And that's ALL it was. No reflection on me, just another tool for him to use in his cunning and baffaling disease.
I too, wanted to run from the dregged up memories of how he beat my self esteem into a pulp. But I am choosing to remain and FIGHT it, and continue MY recovery. I REFUSE to allow him to take another thing from me,,TRUSTING another human being. It dawned on my, that if I ran, I would remain 'stuck" forever, and unconciously proving my XA RIGHT when he said, I could NEVER do better than him, and no one would EVER want me
I went on that first date. I BELEIVE all the wonderful things he says to me, not because I am needy and want to be loved, but because I KNOW it is who I am!!!
I am wiser for my expereinces and smarter in seeing red flags. But I'm a simple peace loving native hippie, and my core sees people for who they are,,,
Believe what they say, until they prove you wrong,,,
Peace