Hi Jack,
I too found the whole thing very confusing for a long time. I was torn between the tough love approach, the more gentle one and everything in between. The truth for me is that all of them worked very well, but not all of them worked well FOR ME.
I just needed to keep my options open until I found what works best for me. I can tell its right because it feels right and I can honestly say to myself that I'm keeping myself honest as well.
At every meeting, I have come away with more knowledge about myself. There is something to be learned from every speaker I hear. Apart from picking things up that I hear, there are the less obvious lessons. If I feel I can't relate and find myself getting bored, my lesson is open-mindedness and tolerance. If I'm offended and squirm in my chair, my lesson is acceptance and so on.
It took me a while to realise that people are just sharing what worked for THEM. It didn't mean it would work for ME, nor should it.
I try hard to take what I need and leave the rest. I still find it very difficult at times, especially when my fears are triggered and I take too much on. But with practice and doing the steps, its getting much easier.
I share the really personal stuff with my sponsor and sober friends and try to stick to the format when speaking in meetings. If there's something I just HAVE to get off my chest, I will. But generally, I avoid doing a step 5 from the floor.
Amy