Again!
To everyone else....to bring out my true colors and co-dependency. I don't know what to do to be brutally honest. I listen to myself and am disgusted with the words that come out of my mouth. I hear myself making excuses for his behaviour and how he berates me. And every time it's the same rollercoaster ride. We have a huge falling out, I cry, he cries and things are better.
It was the same thing last night but not about using. We live with his father right now and I hate it there. His father is part of what his problems stem from. I want to move out and finally got him to agree to rent. So we find a place blah blah. I have sh*tty credit. The landlord kinda gives us a hard time, but still agrees to rent to us. Of course this gets to my BF cos money rules his world and I s*ck with it. I am still digging myself out of putting myself through undergrad and grad!!!! but he doesn't see that, he only sees the $$$$ amounts in my bank account and proceeds to attack me from the time I walk in the door FROM MY SECOND JOB until I finally walk away. The convo ends with him telling me, "It s*ucks when someone tells you something they don't like about you, right?". At that point i'm FUMING. How dare you compare my issues with money to having a drug problem?!!?
So I come back inside from my smoke break (yea, i know.) and take a shower then I question him civilly on what is bothering him and it ocmes out that this had nothing to do with me, but with his partner in music who he had fought with. Every time his partner gets at him, he takes it out on me.
So the crying begins. He tells me he never wants to lose me that I am the best thing blah blah. I fall hook line and sinker. So yea, I'm the idiot. I know it. And now I wait until the next falling out. But as weird as it is, with each blow out like this, my strength in me increases and I realize that I don't need this, I just hope the time that finally makes or breaks it comes before I lose it. I guess I am a glutton for punishment.
It's strange though, seeing him like this makes me HATE HATE HATE what I did to myself even more. How strange, my addict is my ANTIDRUG!