catecicc

I could really use a friend this morning. I am hurting so bad. Not so much because of what he did, but rather the fact that I let myself believe that there was the possibility that he would stay sober. I guess it was too much to ask. The part that bothers me the most is that yesterday especially I reached out to one of his friends of whom I am very close to as well and asked him for help and little do you know that 230 am rolls around last night I who have to work today is still awake worried about him and he comes home from being with this friend messed up….AGAIN.

Am I wrong to throw my hands up in the air? I just don’t know how much more I can handle. I am at work now, I haven’t slept yet and I’m sick to my stomach. I just ache all over. I can’t do it anymore, especially alone. I wish to God I was a stronger person and could just tell him to F off and move on with my life. The only problem is I live with him in his house in his state. I am nearly 300 miles away. Thus meaning throwing my hands up in the air would be packing everything, moving back home and then finding a new job etc.

To make matters worse we are going to his brother’s wedding in Hawaii exactly one week from today. I am really not sure I can put the happy clown face on in front of all of his family for that long if I can’t do it for 5 minutes when we’re at home around friends.

Miserable……just miserable =(

pjbs55

I am sorry you are going through this. Please take some time for you, and find out what you really want out of your life. If you don't think you can go to Hawaii than don't, do what is best for you and the heck with everyone else. You are in so much pain since you love an addict or I should say the person he was.
If you decide to say the H*ll with it, you will find a new job, maybe a better one than you have now. No one can tell you what to do, you have to do what you need to do for you.
Take some time and make a list of what you want in your life and how you will get it, both with him in it and with him out of it.
Turn this over to your HP and you will have the answer in time.
Hugs and prayers coming your way

splendra

((((catecicc)))))

I don't really have any advise just wanted you to know that you are being heard. A trip to Hawaii sounds good though. You don't have to pretend anything though just be yourself and enjoy paradise...

catecicc

thank you all for your guidance. Especially right now, it means more than you know. I am alone in my fight being I cannot tell my family and friends about my situation. It would only make things worse for me. I will tell them when the time is right, but for me right now, this isn't the time.

PJ you hit the nail on the head when you said about loving the person he was. I am still in love with the man I met 02/03/2006. I hate the man that I stared at all night on 08/20/2007.

I need to help me. I think I am going to go to a meeting tonight. I have feared going because I didn't think my "problem" was big enough to justify going, but I think I do now.

P.S. What is an HP?

pjbs55

HP stands for your Higher Power. Go to a meeting they always help me, and I try to help new people by letting them know they are not alone in this crazy time. You are not alone since you come here and if you go to meetings everyone will be happy to help you. We have been where you are today and understand the fear the hurt and the PAIN. It is normal to fear going, since you didn't think it was bad enough, we all felt the same thing. I go to meetings every week, I am going away this week and I am waiting to leave until after my meeting.
Keep coming back here since we are here to give you as much support as you need.
Hugs

greeteachday

Just letting you know you have another friend who cares...I'm so glad you want to try a meeting. The only requirement for "membership" is to be impacted by the addiction of a freind, family member or loved one. We all feel that pain, regardless of our circumstances and meetings truly help us to focus on ourselves.

And please, if you don't "click" with that particular group, find another and keep going until you find the one that feels like home. I went to several Alanon groups and got things from them but never felt truly comfortable...maybe I would have in time, but I decided to keep trying new. I found a Naranon group that just radiatied serentiy as soon as i walked in the door. That was 15 months ago and I try to never miss a meeting because it's something I truly enjoy and it benefits my recovery.

I know it is scary to be in this situation and away from your comfort zone as well. Little by little, as you work on you, you will find the self assurance and determination to do what you have to do to find a better life. Hugs.

lightquest

Just know that you are not alone.

marle

Sending you some hugs. Marle

hope213

only you can change things. you can make goals & decided what will make you happy. you are the most important person. you can't change him but you can change your life. i know the sick feeling you have. hugs,

ladyamalthea

Cate,

Sorry I'm kinda late on this one... I wish I could give stellar advice right now, but all I can do is send a hug your way and tell you that, as long as you're taking care of yourself, you're doing the right thing. Can you take some time off from work to go back home and look for a job? Maybe that would be a better use of the time you're planning to spend in Hawaii, if you're not up to going? If you are, then great, go... but don't feel obligated to go either. If he's using, he's clearly not looking out for you, so someone has to, right?

Either way, we're here for you!

*hugs and prayers*

Wascally Wabbit

Im sorry you're feeling so bad. Just wanted you to know you're not alone here. Keep posting, it makes you feel better!!

catecicc

I wanted to thank you all for the support yesterday. I needed it so much and it meant more than you will ever know. This is nothing more difficult that fighting for your own sanity when you’re barely hanging on.

An update:

I left work early yesterday due to a dentist’s appointment, but it worked out for both being thanks to the BF I didn’t sleep at all the night before. When he graced me with his presence Sunday night/Monday morning at 3am I was puking sick from worry. It’s sad to say I was relieved that he saw me like that. When he uses he’s a cold unfeeling person (like his father is, but his father doesn’t use), but when he’s not he’s very very sensitive, almost like how a woman would react. I knew he felt horrible that night to see me like that and then to see me when I came home from work. We got into it for a little being I reached out to a friend for help and this friend went back to my BF and gave him a piece of his mind. I left then for the dentist and when I came back he was fine again. He felt horrible and stuff.

I still don’t feel okay with what happened, but I don’t know where to pick up the battle. I dread the rest of the week. My BF is a DJ and his scene is ruled by his DOC. He has a big thing coming up this Friday and I honest to God don’t think I can handle it if he parties again. To make matters worse, we leave for Hawaii 2 days later for his brother’s wedding.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

catecicc

To everyone else....to bring out my true colors and co-dependency. I don't know what to do to be brutally honest. I listen to myself and am disgusted with the words that come out of my mouth. I hear myself making excuses for his behaviour and how he berates me. And every time it's the same rollercoaster ride. We have a huge falling out, I cry, he cries and things are better.

It was the same thing last night but not about using. We live with his father right now and I hate it there. His father is part of what his problems stem from. I want to move out and finally got him to agree to rent. So we find a place blah blah. I have sh*tty credit. The landlord kinda gives us a hard time, but still agrees to rent to us. Of course this gets to my BF cos money rules his world and I s*ck with it. I am still digging myself out of putting myself through undergrad and grad!!!! but he doesn't see that, he only sees the $$$$ amounts in my bank account and proceeds to attack me from the time I walk in the door FROM MY SECOND JOB until I finally walk away. The convo ends with him telling me, "It s*ucks when someone tells you something they don't like about you, right?". At that point i'm FUMING. How dare you compare my issues with money to having a drug problem?!!?

So I come back inside from my smoke break (yea, i know.) and take a shower then I question him civilly on what is bothering him and it ocmes out that this had nothing to do with me, but with his partner in music who he had fought with. Every time his partner gets at him, he takes it out on me.

So the crying begins. He tells me he never wants to lose me that I am the best thing blah blah. I fall hook line and sinker. So yea, I'm the idiot. I know it. And now I wait until the next falling out. But as weird as it is, with each blow out like this, my strength in me increases and I realize that I don't need this, I just hope the time that finally makes or breaks it comes before I lose it. I guess I am a glutton for punishment.

It's strange though, seeing him like this makes me HATE HATE HATE what I did to myself even more. How strange, my addict is my ANTIDRUG!

catecicc

Thank you Anvill, sometimes it just helps to hear it out of someone else's mouth. and then sit here and hate myself for getting myelf into a situation like this once again.

Elana

when you are ready you will quietly step off the roller coaster.

You could do it in two days.. as he is boarding the plane say you ahve to go use the ladies room and then walk.. and KEEP ON WALKING... and he will be in HI and you will be moving home....

but, if you are not ready there is little point.

I wish I had been ready last August when XABF and I were in Montana. If I had known then what I know now I would have cleaned out his wallet and left him out there and driven home alone..

If I had known then what I knownow I would have been MORE than ready.

parentrecovers

just because he isn't ready to recover, does not mean you can't start..

hugs, k

caileesnana

prayers for you,
susan

kj0975

I know this will seem cold but its not intended to be that way. Broken hearts hurt I remember my first broken heart was from a man who I dated for 3yrs. I found out later that he was a crack addict. It hurt me so much I didnt want to walk away but I had no choice but too. After that I have had a few broken hearts they suck whether an addict or non addict. I thought I wouldnt have nothing without the men I loved in my life.

I have had to pack it up and move home a few times. None of them were easy having to crawl home with your tail inbetween your legs! It happens I learned alot. Ok you may not want to move home, you may not want to buckle down, you know you dont want to pretend happiness when your not happy. I have learned so much in my life and alot of what I have learned is from the men I have loved.

Your not happy. You have had a broken heart before. You moved passed it. Your life has gone on. Your life will go on. This relationship isnt healthy for you, its making you sick. You know you have gone through this before you know you will live. Its ok to move home, its ok to ask for help, its ok to be happy, its ok to live your life for YOU. I wish you well in your journey. If you anything like me it will take a bit b4 you had enough, b4 you call in your family and friends and live your life the way you deserve to live it. Your time will come and when it does just know your family and friends will be there thats what they are for.......

lightquest

Thank you Anvil! LOL.
I just sent this quote to my abf...who's trying to figure out just what I did yesterday that made him feel so terrible today. Maybe this will help him figure it out!

catecicc

You're so right. I am my own worst enemy. I don't know what is worse my codie behaviours or my "Type A" personality. I sit and think CATE DOESN'T FAIL!!!!!! Um, yea Cate, you do. I think that might be even more of the problem. When I started dating the BF it was a year after my last relationship. Many of my own drug abuse issues stemmed from the prior one. Regardless, the one b4 and I were together 5 years, 3 months away from our wedding and he ran for the hills with his 20 yr old GF and supply of cocaine. I guess that's part of where my issue comes from. I know what you're saying, it's just me hitting the point where I can accept failure and trek back home to Jersey with my tail between my legs.