confusedgf

So it's been almost a month since I made him move out. He's living at his sisters about 10 minutes away. It is going to take me months to fix the financial mess he left me in when he fell off the wagon a month ago. He thinks I believe it was a weekend slip and he went back to staying sober. How naive. I can read his lies about alcohol like a book. In fact, this time instead of his usual few times a year weekend "slips", he continued to drink throughout his entire holidays from work, till the money ran out and he had to go back to work. I didn't bother calling him on it, why? It wouldn't serve any purpose. It certainly wouldn't make him stop.
Anyhow, since he went back to work and reality kicked in that I truly had switched all utilities to my name etc, that I wasn't letting him back in, he's gone through some rapid stages. First stage was the well screw you stage, who needs ya. The next stage was I want to spend time with you but live seperate lives. Meaning see me when he's sober and lonely and go drinking when he wants without comment. Then kicked in the current state of mind that this is still his home and he is going to make things better for himself and work on fixing things between us over time so eventually he could come back home.
So .... this is where I'm nuts, where I want to know what is wrong with me. I want to believe him. Because sober he values me and my children and our home. Because when he wasn't falling off his proverbial wagon, we shared a wonderful life together. So I might have, probably did, mess up. I spent some time with him. He knows he is not going to come here to the house. I just can't bring myself to let him in that door. I don't want him here. I'm trying to reclaim my home as my own. I dont' trust myself to let him in the door and then see him walk back out again. I know myself too well and I bet I'd be some loser begging him to stay.
But I did screw up. Spent time with him. The better part of the weekend actually. Spent Fri night at his sisters house as her and her hubby and kids were out of town. I came home early Sat as he was working overtime Sat a.m. Landed back there when he finished work and came home Sunday morning. We fell into old patterns. Sharing meals, laughing, cuddling, watching movies, etc. It felt so normal and natural and almost as if all this stuff hasn't gone on. Then I headed home Sunday morning and I thought to myself, what have I done. Last night he called and said he was so lonely after having had me with him for 2 days and having to be without me again. I know he means that, at that moment. I also know that he is capable of going very long periods of time without drinking and appearing as though he is going to make it sober long term. But then he goes off, and does it again. So what am I thinking?
I did the strong woman thing, I stood up for myself and my life and said no more. Had him move out. I'm adapting to living alone again and parts of me really enjoys it. Of course the part that loves him is lonely as all get out.
But I know that I shouldn't have spent that time with him. It will cause him to think he is going to just continue to mess up my life with his drinking and I'll continue to be beside him. It will break my heart all over again when he drinks again. And he will drink again. He is doing nothing to get help for his issues.
Anyhow else nuts too? Done this? I don't want to hate myself for this, but I'm certainly kicking myself. Especially because I enjoyed our weekend so much.
I can't control him but I should be able to control myself. I need someone to kick me in the butt, but truthfully even with that, I'd have went this weekend.
*sigh* This stinks.