Jenny,
Are you going to Alanon? Please go. I'm fairly new myself. Much of what you describe is what my AH used to do to me. Much of how you have responded is how I have responded. All it takes is a few meetings to get you hooked. When you meet a bunch of women who are e-x-a-c-t-l-y where you are, and explain how they responded exactly as you are, but now respond differently, it is like a wave of relief that feels soooooo good.
For example, it's not uncommon for alcholics to criticize their spouses. Know why? It gets your eyes off of their behavior and makes you focus on your own. Yep, he could be sacrificing your self-esteem just so he can enjoy his buzz better. I heard a counselor describe this scenario. A man has been at a bar late into the night. He's pulling into the driveway at 3am. He sees the kitchen light on and he knows his wife has been waiting up for him. He knows he's going to get railed the minute he walks into the house. So, he walks in on the attack. "What the hell are there dishes in this sink for?? What have you been doing all day??? This is what I have to come home to??" Bam, you had it all planned out what you were going to say to him. Now you're shook up and are feeling like a failure.
There are many more scenarios that are common to the alcoholic/codependent household. And there are many tools available that you can learn in you'll go to alanon. Tools that will help you whether you stay or whether you don't. But it does make life easier and gives you back your peace.