I'll share

Old 08-16-2007, 12:27 PM
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It is what it is
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Cool I'll share

My abf is doing all kinds of unsuccessful things to taper in an attempt to get "sober."

He was drinking beer instead of vodka (his drink of choice) but of course that only lasted so long before he bought a bottle.

He buys the quart instead of the 1/2 gallon size now. As if that matters. He'll just have to buy it more often.

He has been to two AA meetings but is now equating them to church or something like that. I can't quite understand what he is saying because all is hear is blah, blah, blah so loudly. Something about it not being an appointment where he has to sign in and that it's weird to go. And he feels lost there. I think it's awkward for him but it's awkward for me too, especially at AA meetings. It's part of the process, getting used to going and sharing there. Actually do the work instead of just being a body.

He was trying to tell me that the things he's doing is preparing him. He hasn't accepted the AA concept. He isn't really working any program, oh I'm sorry, maybe the M program (his name). He wants to go to a Saturday night group meeting because some guy told him he should try that one. Uh, once a week isn't quite what they had in mind when you are working the program.

I just feel like saying BS everytime he gives me an excuse for what he does. Whether it's him saying "I've only had 3 drinks and I poured my 4th out." So what? Or "I'm not buying vodka, just beer." So what? Do you want some kind of pat on the back? He denies wanting a pat on the back, but actually his denial which comes from his mouth (no one says "do you want a pat on the back" to him, he just volunteers that he doesn't want or expect one [Shakespeare ~ Me thinks thy doth protest too much]).

He always projects his feelings on to me. Always. If he's feeling anxious, he asks me how I am. If he's feeling upset, I am upset. I know he must do a lot of sneaky things because he is always suspicious of me. He also feels extremely guilty about everything so he's always asking if I'm mad, if I'm alright, etc. It's really annoying. I try not to get annoyed but it's constant when he's sober or straight. I think he lives a life that is so undignified to him that he needs to put it somewhere. He also tries to find every single thing I do wrong. It's as if it will even the score and alleviate some of his own guilt if I'm not "perfect." Which I readily admit I'm not. I don't need to discuss every single thing down to it's minute detail. I don't need to ask his opinion about every single thing. If he could only make his own decisions about anything without asking me. He says I don't validate him, but how about he validates himself. I can do that for me. I guess he can't because of his disease but he shouldn't fault me for being able to do it for myself. I don't want his validation. I don't need his validation. I'm not interested. I don't take advice or direction from anyone who can't run their own personal lives. I'm not saying I have everything figured out in my own life, but I don't mind making mistakes and finding out for myself. I like it. Making mistakes is part of learning. And I don't want advice from an addict. Sorry thanks but no thanks.

This life is too much for me. Thank God for meetings but I really should be going every day and I just can't. It's not that I don't want to. My kids really need me home at night and they don't offer enough during daytime hours. I am reading and working when I"m home but it's not enough.

I am still learning to detach. It's a hard process for me. I'm trying to identify which part of me is codependent. I have learned that my mom is hugely co-dependent and abf is an addict and codependent. I've always said that he and my mom were very similar and I couldn't figure out exactly how. Now I know. That's what bugs me so much about him. He can't stand alone. A lot of times he can't stand. (LOL) actually that's not true. He's not a falling down drunk. I just couldn't resist.

Last night he left the house again drunk and mad at me. Drove like that. How many times is he going to get lucky driving drunk? I hope he gets caught before he hurts someone on the road. And once again he didn't come home (that is typical) and I haven't heard from him today. His cell phone is off as I've tried to contact him to tell him about the outcome of my dr. appointment today. I guess he's sleeping off his hangover. Nice life.

I really have the sneaking suspicion that he is doing coke again when he goes out for the night. It's too weird. Either that or he's got a go-to-girl on the side. Something is up. I think he's using our "end of discussions" when we don't agree to go out for the night. He doesn't even try to stay home anymore. He waits for me to walk away from the disagreement (when I say, we are not having this conversation anymore) and he gets up and gets his crap and is out of the house in 2 minutes flat. Like he's just waiting for a fight so he can go. I know I shouldn't care, but I think as long as someone is saying "I love you" every other day, it's hard not to be in the relationship at all. I do get mad at him but I'm not gone yet. I'll have to physically separate in order to completely detach. Not ready for that yet. I'm still trying to get stronger.

Thanks for listening.

Jenny
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Old 08-16-2007, 12:39 PM
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Lots of people use the argument as an excuse to use or get drunk. It's like they initiate it. I used to tell my rah that if he wanted to go get drunk, to go ahead. It wasn't nesessary to start a fight.
Oh (((sunshine))), I hope it gets better for you. Keep going to al-anon and taking care of you.
_______________
Trish
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Old 08-16-2007, 12:45 PM
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Just like reading about my own experiences with alcoholism, I can identify and relate to so many of the things he's doing.

From my own experience and what I've heard others share, he's just not ready to stop yet. Every alcoholic has his or her own bottom that's reached with consequences and repurcussions, he hasn't hit it yet.

(((Jenny))) I'm sorry to hear that you're going through so much.
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Old 08-16-2007, 12:46 PM
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alcoholics/addicts blame others - it keeps them in denial and from taking their own ownership. don't buy in - it's the disease talkin'..k
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Old 08-16-2007, 01:14 PM
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Originally Posted by parentrecovers View Post
alcoholics/addicts blame others - it keeps them in denial and from taking their own ownership. don't buy in - it's the disease talkin'..k
Oh, it's worse than that.

I used to accuse my wife of blaming me so she could take the blame off of her.

So, I was blaming her of blaming me to take the blame off of her, when in reality I was blaming her of blaming me, so I could take the blame off of me !!



*whew*


We're insane. No if's ands or buts about it. Flat out, certifiably insane. Thank God my insanity has (partially) returned.
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Old 08-16-2007, 01:38 PM
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By the way one of the last things I said to him last night was "I understand, it not you talking, it's the alcohol." He responded, "Oh I'm so glad you've got it all figured out." I said, "Yeah me too." He was being sarcastic, I was being serious. I am happy I understand that now. It makes it a little bit easier to deal with.

Jenny
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Old 08-16-2007, 01:40 PM
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Jenny,

Are you going to Alanon? Please go. I'm fairly new myself. Much of what you describe is what my AH used to do to me. Much of how you have responded is how I have responded. All it takes is a few meetings to get you hooked. When you meet a bunch of women who are e-x-a-c-t-l-y where you are, and explain how they responded exactly as you are, but now respond differently, it is like a wave of relief that feels soooooo good.

For example, it's not uncommon for alcholics to criticize their spouses. Know why? It gets your eyes off of their behavior and makes you focus on your own. Yep, he could be sacrificing your self-esteem just so he can enjoy his buzz better. I heard a counselor describe this scenario. A man has been at a bar late into the night. He's pulling into the driveway at 3am. He sees the kitchen light on and he knows his wife has been waiting up for him. He knows he's going to get railed the minute he walks into the house. So, he walks in on the attack. "What the hell are there dishes in this sink for?? What have you been doing all day??? This is what I have to come home to??" Bam, you had it all planned out what you were going to say to him. Now you're shook up and are feeling like a failure.

There are many more scenarios that are common to the alcoholic/codependent household. And there are many tools available that you can learn in you'll go to alanon. Tools that will help you whether you stay or whether you don't. But it does make life easier and gives you back your peace.
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Old 08-16-2007, 01:44 PM
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Oh yeah, I also remember when my spouse used to say, "It's always the 'booze' talking, isn't it??? Did you ever consider I'm telling the TRUTH when I'm drunk and it's not the booze???" Uh, yeah, I spent way too much time listening to what he said when he was drinking. Stupidly, I didn't know for several years that I was speaking to the bottle, even when he wasn't even drunk. When they are active, you're speaking to the bottle, period.

One of my first new moves was instead of listening to one of his stupid rants, I simply put up my hand, said, "I'm not listening to this" and left the room. Felt good and shut him up. Of course, all he wanted was peace to drink anyway. But I didn't listen to it, and that was nice. I recommend it.
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Old 08-16-2007, 01:45 PM
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Glass, are you and your wife still together?

I don't know if I can wait until he decides to get sober. I don't know how long that might take and the at least a few years into sobriety in order to really being able to give back in a relationship. That's a long time to live alone. Or be in a relationship alone. In one of my Al-Anon groups there is a woman who appears to me to still be very bitter and angry. She must have been a doozy because she says she is so much better and happier now so I can only imagine what she must have been like before. She shared one day in explaining how she lives with an active alcoholic.

She said, once she accepted that the dream is dead, the dream of the marriage they once could have had, she could start living her life again. She said it's a rather pleasant life, they only discuss things of importance in the early part of the day because that's when he is sober. They have dinner together but in quiet and don't speak much unless it's about day to day stuff. She said "There is no we, there is only him and me." She said it was her second marriage and she decided she was not getting another divorce and she was going to figure out a way to make it work. Yuck. That doesn't sound like the life I want. If there is no "we" in a relationship, I may as well just be me alone. I don't need to be in a relationship alone. So I guess in conclusion, living with an active alcoholic is not an option for me. I just need to decide when I do something about it. Take action. I know I'm not emotionally ready for that step yet.

Jenny
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Old 08-16-2007, 01:52 PM
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respektingme - yes I'm an Al-Anon member. I got at least twice a week and I've been going to AA on other days. Quite frankly, I could probably use two meetings a day but my schedule doesn't allow for it. I have two young girls to take care of too.

I knew this was coming. This is the second time this week he has left the house to drink and stay out all night. This is the second time he has used the excuse that I don't want to listen to him to leave and not come home. That is a deal breaker for me. We have other rooms in our house where he can retire to if he doesn't want to be in the same room as me. If I say that, he'll use the excuse that he doesn't know if he can control himself and not harrass me so it's better he leaves (drunk). Any excuse. It's all BS to me.

Jenny
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Old 08-16-2007, 02:01 PM
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Jenny,
Ever think that he is reacting to your non-reacting? When I was really detaching from my RAH, boy did he start getting out of control. That's when he/our relationship started spiraling downhill. Last year at this time I swore I wasn't going to leave/divorce him, I came here just to learn how to deal with being in a one sided marriage (like you, I was big on the "we" "us" and a happy marriage with mutual respect). Four months ago, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and had actual plans in place to leave. You'll know when the time is right if you should decide to leave. Until then, keep working on YOU (and keep reading and posting, this place really helps!!!).
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