I'll share
My abf is doing all kinds of unsuccessful things to taper in an attempt to get "sober."
He was drinking beer instead of vodka (his drink of choice) but of course that only lasted so long before he bought a bottle.
He buys the quart instead of the 1/2 gallon size now. As if that matters. He'll just have to buy it more often.
He has been to two AA meetings but is now equating them to church or something like that. I can't quite understand what he is saying because all is hear is blah, blah, blah so loudly. Something about it not being an appointment where he has to sign in and that it's weird to go. And he feels lost there. I think it's awkward for him but it's awkward for me too, especially at AA meetings. It's part of the process, getting used to going and sharing there. Actually do the work instead of just being a body.
He was trying to tell me that the things he's doing is preparing him. He hasn't accepted the AA concept. He isn't really working any program, oh I'm sorry, maybe the M program (his name). He wants to go to a Saturday night group meeting because some guy told him he should try that one. Uh, once a week isn't quite what they had in mind when you are working the program.
I just feel like saying BS everytime he gives me an excuse for what he does. Whether it's him saying "I've only had 3 drinks and I poured my 4th out." So what? Or "I'm not buying vodka, just beer." So what? Do you want some kind of pat on the back? He denies wanting a pat on the back, but actually his denial which comes from his mouth (no one says "do you want a pat on the back" to him, he just volunteers that he doesn't want or expect one [Shakespeare ~ Me thinks thy doth protest too much]).
He always projects his feelings on to me. Always. If he's feeling anxious, he asks me how I am. If he's feeling upset, I am upset. I know he must do a lot of sneaky things because he is always suspicious of me. He also feels extremely guilty about everything so he's always asking if I'm mad, if I'm alright, etc. It's really annoying. I try not to get annoyed but it's constant when he's sober or straight. I think he lives a life that is so undignified to him that he needs to put it somewhere. He also tries to find every single thing I do wrong. It's as if it will even the score and alleviate some of his own guilt if I'm not "perfect." Which I readily admit I'm not. I don't need to discuss every single thing down to it's minute detail. I don't need to ask his opinion about every single thing. If he could only make his own decisions about anything without asking me. He says I don't validate him, but how about he validates himself. I can do that for me. I guess he can't because of his disease but he shouldn't fault me for being able to do it for myself. I don't want his validation. I don't need his validation. I'm not interested. I don't take advice or direction from anyone who can't run their own personal lives. I'm not saying I have everything figured out in my own life, but I don't mind making mistakes and finding out for myself. I like it. Making mistakes is part of learning. And I don't want advice from an addict. Sorry thanks but no thanks.
This life is too much for me. Thank God for meetings but I really should be going every day and I just can't. It's not that I don't want to. My kids really need me home at night and they don't offer enough during daytime hours. I am reading and working when I"m home but it's not enough.
I am still learning to detach. It's a hard process for me. I'm trying to identify which part of me is codependent. I have learned that my mom is hugely co-dependent and abf is an addict and codependent. I've always said that he and my mom were very similar and I couldn't figure out exactly how. Now I know. That's what bugs me so much about him. He can't stand alone. A lot of times he can't stand. (LOL) actually that's not true. He's not a falling down drunk. I just couldn't resist.
Last night he left the house again drunk and mad at me. Drove like that. How many times is he going to get lucky driving drunk? I hope he gets caught before he hurts someone on the road. And once again he didn't come home (that is typical) and I haven't heard from him today. His cell phone is off as I've tried to contact him to tell him about the outcome of my dr. appointment today. I guess he's sleeping off his hangover. Nice life.
I really have the sneaking suspicion that he is doing coke again when he goes out for the night. It's too weird. Either that or he's got a go-to-girl on the side. Something is up. I think he's using our "end of discussions" when we don't agree to go out for the night. He doesn't even try to stay home anymore. He waits for me to walk away from the disagreement (when I say, we are not having this conversation anymore) and he gets up and gets his crap and is out of the house in 2 minutes flat. Like he's just waiting for a fight so he can go. I know I shouldn't care, but I think as long as someone is saying "I love you" every other day, it's hard not to be in the relationship at all. I do get mad at him but I'm not gone yet. I'll have to physically separate in order to completely detach. Not ready for that yet. I'm still trying to get stronger.
Thanks for listening.
Jenny