hi -
we haven't met but I wanted to add my belated welcome. Life with a recovering addict is quite a journey. It was awhile before I realized that I was talking about myself........my addictions run just as strong as RAH's - if not stronger. That is why I know that I, too, must work a program. Not because of him, because of me. Unless I stay spritually fit then I will always return to unhealthy ways emotionally.
I share my boundaries with RAH BUT only after I have clearly defined them for myself and run them through my sponsor. He and I are both pretty blind to the wiley, crafty, and majician type ways of our addictions. When they get togeher w/o outside input we get led quite astray. I could share a long list of ways that what we came up with together made a mess! In early recovery we both had to live and learn what did and what didn't work. One of the best things that I've learned to do is to stay out of his program and he stay out of mine. We still share a lot with one another but the nuts and bolts are mine (and my sponsor's) alone. I always have done better decerning my boundaries with someone that doesn't have a "dog in the fight". I also don't make a boundary w/o having a consequence that I am ready to make good on. My RAH and I do have a written contract that we have updated over the last 2 years and it absolutely helps to have it in writing - and to review it frequently.
Early on, a drug counselor told the two of us that the only way that our relationship MIGHT make it was if we both worked a strong recovery program. Also, she said that for the first year of recovery that it would be a very bad idea to work on the relationship - all efforts needed to be focused on our individual recoveries. Then - after a year we could work on our couple issues. That turned out to be great advice. I gave myself that first year and it was awesome! We were living together and figured out a way to do what we needed to do but just didn't get deep into any of our "stuff".
One of the best things that I did was find this forum - it's helped me so much and has taken the place of my sponsor when I couldn't get in touch with her. It's not a substitute but it's a great adjunct.
BTW - RAH just came into the room and asked what I was typing about....when I told him about the concept about helping each other with boundaries he became VERY excited over the thought of helping me with my boundaries......for us, that would be a most wretched idea....his addict wants me right where he wants me....he never will ever be able to think of anyone else first. And that is 2 years into recovery!
Looking forward to getting to know you better. Always - take what you want and leave the rest. This is nothing at all but my own experience and every relationship is different!
Love, Donna