Originally Posted by cdk1972

I'm new to this. But I need support/advice...something. I am in my mid thirties. I am not naive about alcoholism. Unfortunately, i met and fell in love with an alcoholic. Also unfortunately, he is drinking again after having about 5 weeks of sober lucidity, admitting he had a problem, wanting to stop etc. He has now started again, is defensive about it, trying to convince me and himself he is in control. I don't want to live my life like this. I cannot talk to him about his alcoholism for obvious reasons (defensive, says i'm trying to control his life, it's not my business, etc.) I know that whatever I say will or do will never, ever change him. It will not make him stop. That is up to him. But it hurts me that alcohol will always be ahead of me. I know the disease. At the same time, i 'm not ready to leave. I'm not sure what is stopping me. He has an answer/counter for anything i say to him. It's always my fault. My problem, not his. And i constantly feel guilty. But i realize i'm also losing myself. He is a cop, and co workers have warned him about his drinking. He never, ever uses at work, though and is smart enough to never do that. But they still know about it. And he is becoming more and more hostile to their "constant nagging".
How do i deal with this? Is my only option to walk away? I do not want to live with an alcoholic, but I DO want to live with HIM. I am beginning to think that there is no bottom for him. He has admitted to me (while drunk) that drinking is his escape. He has admitted to me that it conceals the pain of his previous divorce, all the **** he goes through with his line of work, etc. But he also says that counseling is useless. He will never go. I think it also has to do with his macho-ness as a police officer. I am at a loss. I feel depressed all the time. I feel like i cannot bring anything up for fear of a confrontation. Am I just resigned to this unless i leave?
thank you for letting me vent. Any responses will be well-received.
Thank you.