ICU

In my last post I said that I wanted to leave the past in the past. Perhaps that is the goal, but I think there are a couple of steps I need to do first. As such, several thoughts have begun to surface in my head, such as: 'compassion', 'forgiveness', and 'giving myself permission to remember the good memories'.

I'm taking one person at a time from my past and trying to do that, beginning with my exab.

I cherish the many qualities about him that I fell in love with. Some of them are his incredible sense of humor....his gentle touch....his softest kisses...the way he would take me in his arms to dance with him (no matter where we were or who was there)...his singing love songs to me while dancing...the sensitive side of him that would be moved to tears by just hearing Karen Carpenter's beautiful singing voice (or when hearing the Star Spangled Banner being performed by anyone)...his always reaching out to hold my hand or stroke my face...his genuine willingness to help other people whether they are stranded on the road somewhere after their car broke down, or if they needed emotional support...his way of putting people at ease in conversations...his love and concern for his family and his friends...(and me)...his pure enjoyment of feeding the birds and squirrels in our backyard...his creative mind for figuring things out in a unique way...all in all, his beautiful and gentle spirit! I could go on and on.

Although it is true that alcoholism (and yes, 'other' issues too) robbed him (and me) of these things, by his own hand of course (yes, I had some input on some of the 'other' issues too), the above things I've mentioned 'were' also 'true', and 'very real' at one point in time!

I am still working on the 'forgiveness' part, but I believe I'm more than half way there. It seems the better I 'feel' about myself, the kinder/more gentle side of me is more willing to come out in the form of 'compassion'. What an odd but heart-warming feeling to have towards this person from my past. I don't want to 'hate' or 'bash' him for what he has done to himself, me, and us anymore. The burden of that weight is just to heavy for me to bear. Two years, heck, six months ago I never thought that would have ever happened.

My next step in this process is to begin the same thing with my siblings, a previous ex, and....probably the most difficult ones....my parents! Don't know which one I'll deal with next. The right one will present itself when I'm ready I guess.

Note to Formerdoormat: Through your various posts you have planted the 'seed of compassion' in my mind. It has finally taken root and begun to grow. I thank you for that!