Good memories, compassion, and forgiveness

Old 08-09-2007, 03:45 AM
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Good memories, compassion, and forgiveness

In my last post I said that I wanted to leave the past in the past. Perhaps that is the goal, but I think there are a couple of steps I need to do first. As such, several thoughts have begun to surface in my head, such as: 'compassion', 'forgiveness', and 'giving myself permission to remember the good memories'.

I'm taking one person at a time from my past and trying to do that, beginning with my exab.

I cherish the many qualities about him that I fell in love with. Some of them are his incredible sense of humor....his gentle touch....his softest kisses...the way he would take me in his arms to dance with him (no matter where we were or who was there)...his singing love songs to me while dancing...the sensitive side of him that would be moved to tears by just hearing Karen Carpenter's beautiful singing voice (or when hearing the Star Spangled Banner being performed by anyone)...his always reaching out to hold my hand or stroke my face...his genuine willingness to help other people whether they are stranded on the road somewhere after their car broke down, or if they needed emotional support...his way of putting people at ease in conversations...his love and concern for his family and his friends...(and me)...his pure enjoyment of feeding the birds and squirrels in our backyard...his creative mind for figuring things out in a unique way...all in all, his beautiful and gentle spirit! I could go on and on.

Although it is true that alcoholism (and yes, 'other' issues too) robbed him (and me) of these things, by his own hand of course (yes, I had some input on some of the 'other' issues too), the above things I've mentioned 'were' also 'true', and 'very real' at one point in time!

I am still working on the 'forgiveness' part, but I believe I'm more than half way there. It seems the better I 'feel' about myself, the kinder/more gentle side of me is more willing to come out in the form of 'compassion'. What an odd but heart-warming feeling to have towards this person from my past. I don't want to 'hate' or 'bash' him for what he has done to himself, me, and us anymore. The burden of that weight is just to heavy for me to bear. Two years, heck, six months ago I never thought that would have ever happened.

My next step in this process is to begin the same thing with my siblings, a previous ex, and....probably the most difficult ones....my parents! Don't know which one I'll deal with next. The right one will present itself when I'm ready I guess.

Note to Formerdoormat: Through your various posts you have planted the 'seed of compassion' in my mind. It has finally taken root and begun to grow. I thank you for that!
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Old 08-09-2007, 04:55 AM
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icu.....finding compassion for me was such a good thing in my recovery process. hating my xh and his actions and choices just wore me out.

and i have to agree....fdm posts of compassion and still loving the alcoholic in her life have been very inspirational to me, also. i used to think it was class.....now i know it is grace.

thanks for sharing this, icu......it helps me to read this.
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Old 08-09-2007, 05:16 AM
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I love reading about the direction your taking in Alanon. That's where I want to go ,what I want to do. I have to start getting in touch with my feelings again. I've repressed for so long to avoid pain I think. I'm trying to focus inward and learn recognize them all over again. What a mess LOL.

Your posts are a big help.
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Old 08-09-2007, 05:55 AM
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Originally Posted by embraced2000 View Post
.....finding compassion for me was such a good thing in my recovery process. hating my xh and his actions and choices just wore me out.
Embraced: I found that I had to learn to have compassion for, and forgive myself 'first'. (But I had to look up the meanings of those words as I had no clue what they looked like). That was a HUGE hurdle for me to overcome. I was my own worst enemy and critic in that respect. But then again, I had to look at who my teachers were. Was it similiar for you too?

Lady BlueMiles: I'm not so much into Alanon right now, although that was my beginning. The meetings in my area left a lot to be desired unfortunately. And yup...I repressed sooo much, I'm just beginning to realize how much...all for the sake of avoiding pain, and self preservation. To a certain degree, they were my survival tools. It all seemed to come in to the light only when I was ready and had 'better' survival tools to use.
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Old 08-09-2007, 07:04 AM
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My next step in this process is to begin the same thing with my siblings, a previous ex, and....probably the most difficult ones....my parents! Don't know which one I'll deal with next. The right one will present itself when I'm ready I guess.
ICU you are such an inspiration to me and I'm sure alot in here! I did the parent's process and it was difficult but, WOW what a feeling to be so close with my mother as I'm older (older emotionally too! ) As for my father I was not fortunate enough as he is no longer with us. I need to work on this with others in life too including the XABF.

...finding compassion for me was such a good thing in my recovery process. hating my xh and his actions and choices just wore me out.
Embrace said so perfect! I think I have found compassion I just need to start working on applying it!

ICU thank you for this wonderful post again!
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Old 08-09-2007, 07:21 AM
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Thanks for your kind words Rella.

This is something that when I first heard over 6 months ago, I just didn't 'get'. Well, I 'get it now'!!

I Don’t Want To Hate You Anymore
(Music & Lyrics by Kenny Loggins and Frank Myers - From The Kenny Loggins CD ‘How About Now’) Yes, I know, another Kenny reference, LOL! Lyrically speaking, the man just reaches my soul somehow....eventually that is...!


I go to bed by midnight
I wake up again at 4:00
I read a while
Then try to sleep some more
But by 6:00 AM I’m gone again
Lost in the logic of despair
Cause you just can’t reason with someone
Who ain’t even there
I’ve been right about the reasons
I may be right but you’re still gone
This bein’ right is getting nowhere
And it’s time for movin’ on

I’m letting of the anger
I’ve been holding in my heart
I’m letting go of the bitterness
That’s tearin’ me apart
It’s time to give us both the forgiveness
I couldn’t give before
I Don’t Want to Hate You Anymore

I loved you for your honesty
And now I hate you for your lies
Still I just don’t see the wisdom in goodbye
So I’ll put my fears in a letter of tears
I guess I never intend to send
The future’s hard to believe in if I can’t even see the end
There are no easy answers
It’s just a fact of life
You know somebody’s always leavin’
Somebody’s always left behind

I’m letting go of the anger
I’ve been holding in my heart
I‘m letting go of the bitterness
That’s tearin’ my apart
It’s time to give us both the forgiveness
I couldn’t give before
Cause I Don’t Want To Hate You Anymore

One by one and day by day I’m getting stronger
It ain’t about you any longer
It’s about tryin’ to save my soul

I’m letting go of the anger
I’ve been holding in my heart
I‘m letting go of the bitterness
That’s tearin’ my apart
It’s time to give us both the forgiveness
I couldn’t give before
Cause I Don’t Want To Hate You
Argue or debate you
I Don’t Want To Hate You Anymore
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Old 08-09-2007, 07:36 AM
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Love this song ICU! The words are so perfect!
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Old 08-09-2007, 07:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Rella927 View Post
Love this song ICU! The words are so perfect!

Gulping (heart in throat), ummm...yeah!
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Old 08-09-2007, 11:41 AM
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I Finally Love My Life!!!
 
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Thanks ICU - I needed to hear this
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Old 08-09-2007, 12:39 PM
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OMG, thanks for sharing ICU! I'm trying not to let my co-workers see my crying. Your words help restore some of the good memories, they make this A feel a little more human again. I really needed that today!
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Old 08-09-2007, 01:08 PM
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((((Astro)))
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Old 08-09-2007, 08:43 PM
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It was my dear friend, Equus, who planted the seed of compassion in my heart. She learned it from her Sri Lankin friend. And like you it took time to root and grow. I share it here with others just like she shared it with me. It's my way of paying it forward. I always admired Equus and I miss her so.

I've come to realize that everyone's lives are connected. They overlap and weave in and out out each other like threads in a blanket and everything we do and everything we say has an impact on others. Every act of kindness matters.
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Old 08-09-2007, 08:54 PM
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I hope that someday I can feel this way. Right now I am so angry and can only comprehend revenge

I know with prayer and time I might find the same peace that you have.

Thank you for your inspirational post
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Old 08-10-2007, 04:05 AM
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FD,

Equus! Yup, she certainly did her share of planting the 'seeds of compassion' here. I remember that very well. But you passed it forward beautifully!

BTW, I love the quote you have in your signature line..."Do I want to live while I'm alive and embrace what sustains me or do I want to die while I'm alive and embrace what destroys me?--Geneen Roth

I have a print out of it on my bulletin board next to my computer. It's a great daily reminder.

Kay Rae,

Welcome to SR! I was trapped in the anger and dispair longer than I wanted, but apparently it was for as long as I needed to be there until ready to make a change. It takes time to deal with emotions and work through them. I had to give myself permission to feel all of them, something I was not comfortable with, but it was necessary.

Anger is the most difficult emotion for me to express (I guess because of childhood issues). I've done it, but didn't like it. The thing is though to not let it consume you and rule your life. Now I'm finding it much more comfortable, and, comforting to view different people in my life with compassion. Will I always be able to do that? I don't know. But it's a beginning, and deep down inside, it feels 'right'. I guess I was just ready!
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