gns, i would guess that probably most of us here did this same thing.....in the very beginning. i know i did. i was a super snooper and a sly sleuth. the united states government was missing out on a powerful weapon by not employing me for espionage.
i would do my thing.....then be just angry and sick. it fed me. when i needed a fix, i would go back and do it again to get my high. for some very sick reason, i still needed the chaos fix every so often.
after i started working on myself, i quit treating myself so badly by stopping that habit of mine......super snooper and the sly sleuth was put on the shelf. it was hard to understand why i needed to do that, but i soon found out why....because i was happier.
best of everythng to you
jeri