OW thinks she is better than me
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Join Date: May 2007
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OW thinks she is better than me
I honestly don't know how to react to this. I see her emails (we are broken up - ((I know I shouldn't but I am so mesmerized by how wrong I was about who he really is, and I can only see that in his emails. I believe his lies otherwise))) to him and about how she thinks he cheated on me because "he hasn't found the right person yet" and she thinks that right person is her!!! Never mind that he was sleeping with 6 women while he was sleeping with her - it is ME that is the one that is not right. P.S. She was cheating on her live-in boyfriend with my ex (she is back with her bf and no longer with my ex)- but hey, apparently she is the moral epicenter of judgement about ME.
He has even told her specifically that he has problems being faithful and has/had issues about sexual inadequacy, but hey, STILL ME that is the problem!!
GRRRRRRRRRR!!!
I don't know why I care, just want some justice!
He has even told her specifically that he has problems being faithful and has/had issues about sexual inadequacy, but hey, STILL ME that is the problem!!
GRRRRRRRRRR!!!
I don't know why I care, just want some justice!
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gns, life is not fair and sometimes we don't get justice in our lifetimes. However, you are OBSESSING. You honestly don't know how to react to this? DON'T.
You see "her" emails to "him." Are you hacking into his email? Mesmerized by how wrong you were about him. No, you are not mesmerized. You are indulging in your obsession and finding out things that are not going to advance your knowledge of yourself. You are torturing yourself and you know better.
It is your right to make yourself crazy if you so desire. That is what you are doing. You can make a conscious choice to mind your own business and take care of your own business. That includes not remaining involved in this soap-opera.
You see "her" emails to "him." Are you hacking into his email? Mesmerized by how wrong you were about him. No, you are not mesmerized. You are indulging in your obsession and finding out things that are not going to advance your knowledge of yourself. You are torturing yourself and you know better.
It is your right to make yourself crazy if you so desire. That is what you are doing. You can make a conscious choice to mind your own business and take care of your own business. That includes not remaining involved in this soap-opera.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
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By the way ....
... why do you care what these people think of you? It's actually none of your business what they think of you or anyone else. I'd be far more interested to know what you think about YOU.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Agreeing with prodigal......what does this person's opinion matter to you at all?
Can you see that you're better off without all of this poison, this drama, this bullsh*t?
Be the better person. Let this stuff roll off you and get on with your life -- which will be a darned sight better than this charade they call a life.
Take care of YOU and let them wallow in the mess they create
Hugs,
GL
Can you see that you're better off without all of this poison, this drama, this bullsh*t?
Be the better person. Let this stuff roll off you and get on with your life -- which will be a darned sight better than this charade they call a life.
Take care of YOU and let them wallow in the mess they create
Hugs,
GL
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by prodigal 
You are torturing yourself and you know better.
gns, are you gaining anything from reading his emails? honestly, has it made you feel better? it's like picking off a fresh scab and expecting it not to bleed. don't do it anymore! months ago, i started avoiding doing things like that. i just stopped myself from checking on my ex, and while i still feel the urge sometimes, i'd just rather not know what those emails say.
also - doesn't he know that you know his password? why do you think he hasn't changed it... knowing that you could get in there and read everything?
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 149
i can understand the urge to know, to want to understand-- if i had my husband's email, i might be tempted-- and there's myspace, and i can tell you how much temptation it is to look at that-- sometimes i go days without looking, weeks, a month-- and then i'll blow it by looking. so i keep trying. so far it's been a few weeks. from my experience, sometimes finding out has taught me things i was glad to know that made me feel not crazy- but at some point, if you keep looking, that makes you crazy, too, and it no longer helps-- if you are out of his life, then you are out-- looking won't get you back in. and would you want him back in if you had to look to get honesty and answers? no. it's ruined. looking won't help you move on. so try to break the addiction. maybe tell yrself the next time you look, you have to confess to him that you are. if you can't admit it, then don't do it. easier said than done, but you'll get there in time. good luck.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Justice?
Nah , ain’t going to happen. You need to let go of it.
Acceptance is the word of the day for you.
Once you understand that it’s their deal and not yours you will be better off.
At this time also it is not even part of life, it’s theirs.
Nah , ain’t going to happen. You need to let go of it.
Acceptance is the word of the day for you.
Once you understand that it’s their deal and not yours you will be better off.
At this time also it is not even part of life, it’s theirs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
Thank you all for your great messages!
The email thing, I don't know. He lied to me and cheated on me the whole relationship. He said all the right things and I believed him. Even 6 months after we broke up. It is only recently (by reading his email) that I learned that he cheated on me (and lied to me to my face) and that he is really good at manipulating women. A true narcissist - and I never knew.
We are still trying to sell the house, so I still feel a little attached, too. I just can't believe and can't reconcile what I thought he was to who he really is. As posted in other websites, it makes you feel crazy and wonder what reality is and was.
I believe he forfeighted his right to privacy when he f-cked with me this much (I spent thousands of dollars on the house and vacations and on him). He knows I know his passwords anyway (which he changed and changed back - which is a whole other issue).
I really would like to understand why and what happened, but maybe I just need to accept I never really will understand.
The email thing, I don't know. He lied to me and cheated on me the whole relationship. He said all the right things and I believed him. Even 6 months after we broke up. It is only recently (by reading his email) that I learned that he cheated on me (and lied to me to my face) and that he is really good at manipulating women. A true narcissist - and I never knew.
We are still trying to sell the house, so I still feel a little attached, too. I just can't believe and can't reconcile what I thought he was to who he really is. As posted in other websites, it makes you feel crazy and wonder what reality is and was.
I believe he forfeighted his right to privacy when he f-cked with me this much (I spent thousands of dollars on the house and vacations and on him). He knows I know his passwords anyway (which he changed and changed back - which is a whole other issue).
I really would like to understand why and what happened, but maybe I just need to accept I never really will understand.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
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You're obsessing. And I say that with the kindest intention ever. I know what it's like to try to rationalize my behaviour and say it's out of some other reason than the truth was - I was obsessed!!! With my xah! And anything, everything, and everyone around him! So, I'd really suggest you really ask yourself if you're obsessing.
Secondly - this woman sounds like she's just as unstable as your A. People can have ism's of a sort or be dysfuntional without alcohol. Sounds to me like she qualifies. Don't worry what she thinks of you. It's really not important.
And if it is important to you - prove her wrong - for yourself. Go work on your recovery and have a wonderful life! Living well is the best revenge, is what I heard.
Secondly - this woman sounds like she's just as unstable as your A. People can have ism's of a sort or be dysfuntional without alcohol. Sounds to me like she qualifies. Don't worry what she thinks of you. It's really not important.
And if it is important to you - prove her wrong - for yourself. Go work on your recovery and have a wonderful life! Living well is the best revenge, is what I heard.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Put yourself in her place; why wouldn't she think she's better than you? I thought I was the best thing that ever happened to AH. Who knows? I'm glad I can finally say who cares? Get busy living!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Originally Posted by gns
I really would like to understand why and what happened, but maybe I just need to accept I never really will understand.
Here is what happened: you were unfortunate enough to be taken in by someone who's very good at manipulating peoples' feelings, especially women's feelings. He worked you over, got what he wanted, and then moved on. There is no why about it, any more than there's a why about Adolf Hitler. It happened, you've now got this poison out of your life, and can move on (if you choose) to building relationships with men who aren't manipulative, narcissistic jerks. There is nothing else to understand. Bad things happen to good people all the time; it's not the end of life, just a hard lesson that helps steer the rest of your life to better places, better people.
Sorry you still have that house connection. Any way you can accelerate that detachment?
The same happened to me. The relationship lasted for nearly 7 years, thousands of dollars, dozens of women (and boys, as it turned out). I was angry, ashamed, sick.
He is manipulating you even now. Can't you see it? Do you think for a minute that he doesn't know you're reading his email?
Don't allow yourself to be jerked around any more. Get off his email, get on with your life, and let him ruin his. He will, in time.
Just my 0.02.
GiveLove
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
The best revenge is to live and live well huny....
Listen to all the sound and solid advice here we have all been through it and alot of us are still going through the mental part of our experience with out ex's.
Look at it this way: He's a car and you the owner.....its totalled - wrecked beyond repair....you came out of your home and someone totalled your car without your knowledge or permission. You are still trying to convince the insurance adjuster NOT to total out this vehicle because its your all time favorite....STOP IT...the car is toast hunny. Gone....give it up and let it go....there will be newer cars in your life. Enjoy driving them ok.
We all have obsessed about our lost loves its only natural that if you love someone you want to know alllllll about them...even after and sometimes especially after a fight or some blow up....but it will only come back to bite you in the butt. Leave well enough alone...who cares what he says or she says .... they are not your judge, jury or prosecutor...I still hear things about my ex and the OW that he married right after our divorce and it does hurt alot but I dont let myself dwell on it anymore the way I used to want to. It wasnt good for me to do so.....besides hun....of course to them you are the bad guy ...why? Because alcoholics/addicts take no blame. And dont think for one minute that he didnt change his email password BACK just so you would read what you read.....HE PLANNED IT THAT WAY. Don't you give him this power...the next time you see him.....casually mention to him that your PC has been down for months and you dont have any plans in the near future to repair it ok....now ......that's power.
Take care hunny.
Janitw
Listen to all the sound and solid advice here we have all been through it and alot of us are still going through the mental part of our experience with out ex's.
Look at it this way: He's a car and you the owner.....its totalled - wrecked beyond repair....you came out of your home and someone totalled your car without your knowledge or permission. You are still trying to convince the insurance adjuster NOT to total out this vehicle because its your all time favorite....STOP IT...the car is toast hunny. Gone....give it up and let it go....there will be newer cars in your life. Enjoy driving them ok.
We all have obsessed about our lost loves its only natural that if you love someone you want to know alllllll about them...even after and sometimes especially after a fight or some blow up....but it will only come back to bite you in the butt. Leave well enough alone...who cares what he says or she says .... they are not your judge, jury or prosecutor...I still hear things about my ex and the OW that he married right after our divorce and it does hurt alot but I dont let myself dwell on it anymore the way I used to want to. It wasnt good for me to do so.....besides hun....of course to them you are the bad guy ...why? Because alcoholics/addicts take no blame. And dont think for one minute that he didnt change his email password BACK just so you would read what you read.....HE PLANNED IT THAT WAY. Don't you give him this power...the next time you see him.....casually mention to him that your PC has been down for months and you dont have any plans in the near future to repair it ok....now ......that's power.
Take care hunny.
Janitw
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Location: southern indiana
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gns, i would guess that probably most of us here did this same thing.....in the very beginning. i know i did. i was a super snooper and a sly sleuth. the united states government was missing out on a powerful weapon by not employing me for espionage.
i would do my thing.....then be just angry and sick. it fed me. when i needed a fix, i would go back and do it again to get my high. for some very sick reason, i still needed the chaos fix every so often.
after i started working on myself, i quit treating myself so badly by stopping that habit of mine......super snooper and the sly sleuth was put on the shelf. it was hard to understand why i needed to do that, but i soon found out why....because i was happier.
best of everythng to you
jeri
i would do my thing.....then be just angry and sick. it fed me. when i needed a fix, i would go back and do it again to get my high. for some very sick reason, i still needed the chaos fix every so often.
after i started working on myself, i quit treating myself so badly by stopping that habit of mine......super snooper and the sly sleuth was put on the shelf. it was hard to understand why i needed to do that, but i soon found out why....because i was happier.
best of everythng to you
jeri
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
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Originally Posted by embraced2000
gns, i would guess that probably most of us here did this same thing.....in the very beginning. i know i did. i was a super snooper and a sly sleuth. the united states government was missing out on a powerful weapon by not employing me for espionage.
i would do my thing.....then be just angry and sick. it fed me. when i needed a fix, i would go back and do it again to get my high. for some very sick reason, i still needed the chaos fix every so often.
after i started working on myself, i quit treating myself so badly by stopping that habit of mine......super snooper and the sly sleuth was put on the shelf. it was hard to understand why i needed to do that, but i soon found out why....because i was happier.
best of everythng to you
jeri
i would do my thing.....then be just angry and sick. it fed me. when i needed a fix, i would go back and do it again to get my high. for some very sick reason, i still needed the chaos fix every so often.
after i started working on myself, i quit treating myself so badly by stopping that habit of mine......super snooper and the sly sleuth was put on the shelf. it was hard to understand why i needed to do that, but i soon found out why....because i was happier.
best of everythng to you
jeri
Actually, thinking about it now, maybe I was "trying to prove" to him and mostly myself that I was not as stupid as I felt. When I found the "facts", I didn't really use them (productively,as in walk away from it all) it just momentarily let me know that my gut was still working and even if he was lying to me,I figured it out and knew it was a lie...or some such thing. I was all about making sure he "didn't get another one over me". No wonder I felt crazy....I was (am?)!
As for the women......when I found out about them (we were seperated) I did nip that game-playing in the bud. Told him if he wanted to play that game;count me out. Stick with the people who didn't mind it,but I was not one of them;period. (Strangely,when my actions started to agreed with my words,it seemed as if it is wasn't quite as much fun for him anymore;but,who knows? I try not to get involved in that. He is sick and as far as I am concerned,anyone who wants to get involved with him now must have their own "issues". JMHO)
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You guys are right, and I do appreciate your honesty, that is more helpful than letting me continue down a destructive path.
You are all right, I am obsessing. I don't know why, but I am. I think a lot of us have been there - isn't that part of instincts, too? That there is something we still need an answer to?
Pick-a-name I understand wanting to prove that I am not crazy, embraced, I completely understand what you mean, Janitw - I love your idea - i just might do it! Givelove, obviously you have been in the same place, thanks for your support. standingstrong and denny, you are right and I appreciate your forthrightness. Inthis forme I do wonder about the email thing too.
You are all right, I am obsessing. I don't know why, but I am. I think a lot of us have been there - isn't that part of instincts, too? That there is something we still need an answer to?
Pick-a-name I understand wanting to prove that I am not crazy, embraced, I completely understand what you mean, Janitw - I love your idea - i just might do it! Givelove, obviously you have been in the same place, thanks for your support. standingstrong and denny, you are right and I appreciate your forthrightness. Inthis forme I do wonder about the email thing too.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((gns))))
I am so glad you have SR while going thru this....I can't imagine where I would be today if I had been here when I was going thru something similar.
Just today when I woke up I though of the OW thing I went thru with my H and I thought God that was and still is unacceptable to me but, for some reason I was too blind to see it. It still is one of the biggest regrets of my life that I did not move forward without him when he was seeing someone else. God I hope I can forgive myself for this...he of course has no regrets about it...go figure. I don't think he has any idea how much I still over over this and more important I don't think he cares either... gives me lots of letting go power though...
I am so glad you have SR while going thru this....I can't imagine where I would be today if I had been here when I was going thru something similar.
Just today when I woke up I though of the OW thing I went thru with my H and I thought God that was and still is unacceptable to me but, for some reason I was too blind to see it. It still is one of the biggest regrets of my life that I did not move forward without him when he was seeing someone else. God I hope I can forgive myself for this...he of course has no regrets about it...go figure. I don't think he has any idea how much I still over over this and more important I don't think he cares either... gives me lots of letting go power though...
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Here's a couple of links that might help.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...special-i.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...pecial-ii.html
Perhaps that's what she is hearing. That's certainly what I heard. And I was lucky enough to know that the subsequent target heard the same stuff about me.
I said some really nasty stuff about (and to) my predecessor. I am gearing up to make amends very soon. It is only with hindsight that I can see that she wasn't the witch that she was painted to be. I though she was awful because she left my ex in a 6 bedroom house with only a camp bed, a dining table and 4 chairs (she took the other 2 that matched). Turns out, she'd paid for everything so she effectively left him with what he brought to the table. Of course, I was told otherwise. Anyway, if I know myself and my motivations are honest and true, other people's perceptions of me are none of my business.
I understand the drive to check emails of you know their password. I did it myself for a very long time. It gave me the validation I so longed for, yet it felt dirty at the same time. And rightfully so, because no matter what he had done, he still has a right to privacy. And I suggest that no contact should be exactly that - contact through friends, via email, checking websites etc is "contact my proxy" and is not really helping you move on.
Keep on you own path, rather than keeping a check on his.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...special-i.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...pecial-ii.html
Perhaps that's what she is hearing. That's certainly what I heard. And I was lucky enough to know that the subsequent target heard the same stuff about me.
I said some really nasty stuff about (and to) my predecessor. I am gearing up to make amends very soon. It is only with hindsight that I can see that she wasn't the witch that she was painted to be. I though she was awful because she left my ex in a 6 bedroom house with only a camp bed, a dining table and 4 chairs (she took the other 2 that matched). Turns out, she'd paid for everything so she effectively left him with what he brought to the table. Of course, I was told otherwise. Anyway, if I know myself and my motivations are honest and true, other people's perceptions of me are none of my business.
I understand the drive to check emails of you know their password. I did it myself for a very long time. It gave me the validation I so longed for, yet it felt dirty at the same time. And rightfully so, because no matter what he had done, he still has a right to privacy. And I suggest that no contact should be exactly that - contact through friends, via email, checking websites etc is "contact my proxy" and is not really helping you move on.
Keep on you own path, rather than keeping a check on his.
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If you don't know why you're obsessing, then get to an Al-Anon meeting and talk it out there. I think you're obsessing because you're codependent. gns, you don't have to analyze everything and wonder "why" about stuff. We all do things that, well, we just DO! If I spent my own personal time analyzing everybody, including myself, all the time I'd probably be crazier than I already am.
How about learning to love and accept yourself one step at a time? Maybe the truth of all the "whys?" will be revealed to you in time. Take if from someone who lived inside her head for a very long time. It didn't ultimately produce anything that was very productive for me.
How about learning to love and accept yourself one step at a time? Maybe the truth of all the "whys?" will be revealed to you in time. Take if from someone who lived inside her head for a very long time. It didn't ultimately produce anything that was very productive for me.
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