amanda30

Reality is really sinking in and it sucks. Really, that's been going on for the last week or so. I guess the best thing my husband could have done for me was what he did, and threw me out of the house. It made me take a look and decide what I want.

I've thought and cried over all the things that I've done to myself, my children, and my family through my drinking. If only I could undo all of it. But I can't!

I've had my children with me since Friday, but I have to return them to my husband tomarrow night in order to enter into rehab on Wednesday. That means, going back to my house. All the memories of everything that has went on lies there.

My oldest son is from a previous marriage, he is with me too. my ex has custody of him, but I have very liberal visitation. I have to have a conversation with him which I truely dread. We have a decent relationship now, but he is not a very understanding person. I fear him trying to take away visitation from me. It's hard enough on my son that he lives 1 1/2 hours from me, now I have to have some sort of conversation with him to as to where I will be. It will be more than just 30 days since my plans are to go to a halfway house. He hasn't seen me drink much other than maybe a beer or two. He's almost 9. I'm not sure to tell him the whole truth or not. I think he's mature enough to understand. But I don't know if I should put that burdon on his shoulders, or give him a more vague explanation as to where I will be.

I am grateful that I am getting to go to rehab, but then I dread the aspects of being cut off from the world. I'm use to being with my children. At least talking to my husband even if we are not "really" together right now. But it's what I have to do to survive this.