Thanks- I really do appreciate your help. I'd like to just somehow not care about him anymore- and I just can't help myself.
I think you might be onto something with the ex...
I once tried to turn the alarm off his phone- and saw his text messgaes. They were mostly from me- so I smiled because he kept the same ones I kept.
I had no business looking at his phone- yes I agree...but then I saw that his ex of three years had text messages there. I flipped out and told him I saw his texts to her and he looked at me sheepishly and said he was so close to her for 3 years and that he still talks to her sometimes as they went through a lot of recovery stuff together (and nonrecovery too)
He assured me that he didn't have any feelings for her anymore and that his feelings for me were very strong. He hadn't seen her etc..
But perhaps he was just hanging on to me for when he didn't have anyone else. I was doing that with him- still seeing him and being with him even though I knew we were so different.
But I guess I just always thought it would be me to break it off- he seemed to need me more- I have it seems everything to offer him and him nothing really to offer me except occasional companionship and unbelievable sex- but I knew that would cange eventually. I just got divorced- I just started a new job, I just moved to a gorgeous new place- so things are looking up- but still I'm starting all over all alone.
I wasn't expecting him to be so cold so suddenly.
And that's why I was wondering if it might be that he started drinking again- or could it be that he really is a jerk and I never saw it until now? So hard to beleive- he was so very sweet and good in so many ways. Maybe he was acting for me as he was trying on his recovery role.
By the way- he's been down the recovery road many times. Once he made it for 2 years sober-
But still- I have a connection to his family- I know his sister somewhat and his mom since I once took care of the brother- I just have a hard time thinking he took advantage of his brother's death just to score with me. But maybe that's just what he did.
I read this poem many times and I love it. Wish I could make it to my own chapter 5:
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson
I.
I walk down the street.
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost.....I am helpless;
it isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place;
but it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in....it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V.
I walk down a different street.
Thanks again for your support, everyone. i better get to bed
