Can't Take Much More
My AH who is taking narcotic pain medication finally opened up with his prescribing doctor about what he has been doing for the past two years. It was all at my urging though. I made threats to leave if he didn't. He is being treated for chronic back pain, but I seriously question the amount of pain, because it appears that he has trouble LIVING w/o his oxycontin. He went through treatment this past December and came off of everything(he was taking benzo's for anxiety and oxy for pain, and topping it all off nicely with Vodka and his favorite...jagermiester). Life was good for a few weeks post treatment. That is until he got back on the oxy. In his own mind he was still...."sober" and attending weekly AA mtgs and meeting with his sponsor. I have felt all along that his sobriety was not genuine while taking these meds. And I know for certain that these meds are dangerous in sobriety. Needless to say...he relapsed several times. Everything in our life has suffered because of this abuse. Before taking these medications(2+ years ago) he would drink, but not NEARLY as much. And I don't ever remember things being so out of control in our life! Everything from our finances, his job(he lost), relationships, to things that just don't get done anymore. There has been a breakdown of just about everything. So at my urging, we went to his dr, he started the visit with "I am here to tell on myself". He did tell on himself, basically, but he left some stuff out(like the fact that he was also taking more than prescribed at times and possibly buying it from a friend). His dr told him that Oxy is not a drug that they would prescribe for someone in recovery, so she decided to wean him off and put him on something else that is non-narcotic. I was SO happy and almost did a happy dance in that freakin' office. All I have ever wanted was to have my husband back. He has been GONE for so long. So the past week or so has been GOOD. Real good. He was going to mtgs again, we were getting along and making plans for couples therapy, and he even found a new and improved sponsor. And then it happened...he drank. It didn't surprise me, really. I mean...the last few years have been filled with lies, deciet, and all of those promises he just couldn't keep. I have gone to alanon myself. A handful of meetings. I walked away feeling empowered and ready to face life again. I know I need to go more regularly in order to get through this. I make a really good enabler if you haven't already guessed just by reading this. I am so codependant...and it is exhausting. It is exhausting me day by day and I wonder just how much longer I can live with this "person" I call my husband. I feel abandoned by him in so many ways.