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Can't Take Much More

Old 07-20-2007, 02:21 PM
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Can't Take Much More

My AH who is taking narcotic pain medication finally opened up with his prescribing doctor about what he has been doing for the past two years. It was all at my urging though. I made threats to leave if he didn't. He is being treated for chronic back pain, but I seriously question the amount of pain, because it appears that he has trouble LIVING w/o his oxycontin. He went through treatment this past December and came off of everything(he was taking benzo's for anxiety and oxy for pain, and topping it all off nicely with Vodka and his favorite...jagermiester). Life was good for a few weeks post treatment. That is until he got back on the oxy. In his own mind he was still...."sober" and attending weekly AA mtgs and meeting with his sponsor. I have felt all along that his sobriety was not genuine while taking these meds. And I know for certain that these meds are dangerous in sobriety. Needless to say...he relapsed several times. Everything in our life has suffered because of this abuse. Before taking these medications(2+ years ago) he would drink, but not NEARLY as much. And I don't ever remember things being so out of control in our life! Everything from our finances, his job(he lost), relationships, to things that just don't get done anymore. There has been a breakdown of just about everything. So at my urging, we went to his dr, he started the visit with "I am here to tell on myself". He did tell on himself, basically, but he left some stuff out(like the fact that he was also taking more than prescribed at times and possibly buying it from a friend). His dr told him that Oxy is not a drug that they would prescribe for someone in recovery, so she decided to wean him off and put him on something else that is non-narcotic. I was SO happy and almost did a happy dance in that freakin' office. All I have ever wanted was to have my husband back. He has been GONE for so long. So the past week or so has been GOOD. Real good. He was going to mtgs again, we were getting along and making plans for couples therapy, and he even found a new and improved sponsor. And then it happened...he drank. It didn't surprise me, really. I mean...the last few years have been filled with lies, deciet, and all of those promises he just couldn't keep. I have gone to alanon myself. A handful of meetings. I walked away feeling empowered and ready to face life again. I know I need to go more regularly in order to get through this. I make a really good enabler if you haven't already guessed just by reading this. I am so codependant...and it is exhausting. It is exhausting me day by day and I wonder just how much longer I can live with this "person" I call my husband. I feel abandoned by him in so many ways.
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Old 07-20-2007, 03:44 PM
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When I read this stuff makes me sick to realize that all you women are talking about me! I am a sick puppy that has done these same things to my wife. You cant be a wife and mother to us,all though we want you to be.I'll promise you the moon if it gets me what I want. We are all con men who cope by figuring out YOU. I dont want to be like this. When I am sober I am honest,caring,loving, when I am out there I am into ME and only ME.Dont be a door mat you deserve to be happy and loved.Dont ask dude to make promises he might not be able to keep you are setting yourself up for a fall. Just one alcoholics point of veiw.Good luck and God bless you.
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Old 07-20-2007, 03:53 PM
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Tired,

Welcome, Bagger said it all.

Keep posting, it will help.
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Old 07-20-2007, 05:08 PM
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Welcome to F&F. I'm glad you're here. Al-Anon is the key. Just this past week, a woman returned to my regular meeting. She had left for three years - the three years her AH had maintained sobriety. Guess what? She's back in now that he's on a rip-roaring bender. She admitted she should have kept attending during his sobriety and working HER program. She probably would have been in better shape when he went back out.

I think it's time for you to seriously consider working a program. Without it, your at the mercy of his disease and being dragged down with him. You know it's progressive. Things are getting progressively worse, aren't they? That's the way it works. He's doing what addicts do. And you're paying a very dear price for what he's doing. He's getting high on drugs and or booze, so he's got what he wants. He's zoned out beyond Pluto, and you're the one having the nervous breakdown.

These are probably posted at the top of our forum where the stickies are located (please take some time to read them when you have the chance), but I'm posting it in this thread because it tells it like it is:

#1:
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, are my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you, and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.


#2:
I spent so much time focused on the alcoholic, the self pity, the lies, the failures, that I couldn't see myself. I had become bitter, jaded, controlling, fearful, angry, self righteous, and pretty crazy. How could I sit in judgment of someone else when my own life was such a mess?

I finally realized that I wasn't living my life. I was living his, and not doing a very good job of it either. Talk about being a victim. I felt all the pain in my life was his fault. When I started taking responsibility for my own life, decisions, and actions, I stopped being a victim. I stopped trying to figure him out. I started to find some serenity and healing.

Straightening out my own life, and learning to allow others to be responsible for themselves has taken time and work. Seeking support and guidance from Al-Anon, counseling, and SR were absolutely necessary for me to get better.
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Old 07-20-2007, 06:24 PM
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[hijack]

When I read this stuff makes me sick to realize that all you women are talking about me! I am a sick puppy that has done these same things to my wife.
It's OK bagger, a lot of us alkies have gone through the same thing. It's a revelation we'd rather not discover, but yeah, it sux.

Do the deal. Work your recovery. These women like to see that some of us do, in fact, recover.
[/hijack]

To the OP, yeah if he was taking meds for recreational purposes, there was no sobriety there.

A few meetings ain't gonna cut it. I've got 9 months, and I've probably done 300. Yeah, 300.

Anyway, that's not YOUR problem. Listen to these girls. They'll give you some good advice on how to cope with living with (or leaving) a practicing alcoholic.

Edit: And finding your own recovery
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Old 07-20-2007, 06:55 PM
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I am very grateful to those of you who have the compassion to come over here and talk to the other side of the crazies.
Thank you.
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Old 07-20-2007, 07:06 PM
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Originally Posted by liveweyerd View Post
I am very grateful to those of you who have the compassion to come over here and talk to the other side of the crazies.
Thank you.

Ditto!

Welcome to SR (((Tired))) read some more stickies! This is a great place and plenty of great people to share with you!
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Old 07-21-2007, 12:19 AM
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I have a wife with chronic back pain also. She just started drinking again and it landed her in the hospital. Besides that it caused us to both lose our jobs. I lost mine because I was at the hospital making sure she was alright. The doctor did tell me people with chronic back pain end up as addicts. It only seems to get worse, their back pain never goes away and is an excuse for the drugs. Yes she has been to all kinds of recovery and has been sober for two years, then the back pain, then the abuse.
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Old 07-21-2007, 04:06 AM
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IMO, in this respect they are no better than street peddling drug dealers tearing our families apart




ABINGDON, Virginia (AP) -- Purdue Pharma L.P., the maker of OxyContin, and three of its executives were ordered Friday to pay a $634.5 million fine for misleading the public about the painkiller's risk of addiction.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/07/20....ap/index.html
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Old 07-21-2007, 06:11 AM
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Thank you all so much for your responses.

Is it awful for me to say that....I'm not even sure if I love him anymore? He is such a different person, a stranger. His never-ending lies and hiding have distorted my love for him. Half the time we sleep in separate beds, he is in the basement, I upstairs in our bedroom. We have two small children(1&2), and a teenager(15yrs-who is a member here) who NEED him. I am a stay-at-home-mom, and I feel STUCK because I depend on him financially. I want to free myself from all of this, but it's not so easy to do when the care of these kids rests in my sober hands. And like I said in my previous post...I am literally an exhausted co-dependant. I mean...I spend all of my time worrying about HIM, looking through pockets, under mattresses, in garbage cans...and looking for what? Another bottle, pills, something, something, something to confirm that I am not crazy. That this behavior DOES exist in him. That my imagination is not getting the best of me. He hides his bottles, his pills, and lord knows what else? I'm not even sure if he isn't crushing his pills...snorting? who knows? I keep looking for the evidence. It is making me insane. Being an ACOA(my father), I have suffered with anxiety, but this has just sent me over the edge.

The past year I have spent calling 911 because we thought he was dead on the couch when he would pass out. When I was pg with our daughter and labor was near, he was walking around here on sleeping pills and booze(last summer). He was JUST WEIRD!! He would take the pills and would not go to bed. And some days when he would wake up in the morning, he was just as doped up as when he went to bed. He was taking sleeping pills, oxy, & ativan, on top of drinking! Who would take me to the hospital to have our baby girl? One night we found him outside in the yard, on the grass, sorting his pills out. He had pills all over the grass. When I woke up the next morning...there were still some pills in the grass. I thought that was my last straw. When we told him what he had done, he acted as if he never knew what happened. Promises. One night he had been drinking, we fought, he left on foot, and the next thing I know...the police had been called because he ended up in a neighbors backyard standing there hallucinating. They brought him to detox. I was hopeful that this would be the end of it...but it wasn't. He promised, but again, did not deliver. I was the hopeful wife, standing by, waiting for the action amongst his always promising word.

This is just a sampling of it. There are so many things, so many times. It hurts me to come here and talk about him like this, but it is what it is. It has been hell. And the thing about it is...his dr's don't know the half of it. He lost his job in April due to performance problems(he's a medical professional), and got one immediately after. Of course he told everyone that he lost it because he is a work comp case and they wanted to get rid of him. But reality says...he called off way too many times because he was always looped up and just didn't give a damn. And when he was there, he wasn't pulling his weight and there were multiple complaints that came from that. And like a previous member posted...he always had the right papers. He could always go to the dr and get an excuse.

This is NOT who my husband is. He is normally a very hard worker who has made a substantial living, a good father, and an all around great guy who I wanted to be with. Now...he's a stranger.
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Old 07-21-2007, 07:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Tiredofthismess View Post
Is it awful for me to say that....I'm not even sure if I love him anymore? He is such a different person, a stranger.

That was one of my realizations a few months ago. AH killed the love I had for him thru his behaviors. It hurt me to admit that at first. But then I realized that I would never had even got involved with AH if he had exhibited the behaviors that have been there for the past few years. Yes, I got into the relationship knowing underneath that Ah was indeed an alcoholic but back then he was functional and fun and loving and not totally wrapped up in his "poor me" attitude.

I know my realtionship with AH cannot be repaired. But other do manage to do so and go on to have fulfilling lives together.
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Old 07-21-2007, 11:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Barbara52 View Post
Yes, I got into the relationship knowing underneath that Ah was indeed an alcoholic but back then he was functional and fun and loving and not totally wrapped up in his "poor me" attitude.
Yes. And someone, a good friend of mine, said how good it is that I have those "good" days to look back on, that they can give me hope, that my husband is still in there. And then she asked me to imagine if I were a woman who didn't have those good days to look back on, to imagine if he had been like this through our entire marriage....

I would not have married him if he were the man he is today. But then...the man he is today could have very well had me fooled. Just as he does now.
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