Hi everyone. H has been in inpatient for almost two weeks now and the longer he's away the less I want him to come back. The kids and I drove the two and a half hours to go visit him on Sunday. He was great with the kids, and they were so excited to see him. He was nice to me and acted happy to see me, showed us around the place, but for the most part ignored me. I know he is avoiding talking to me about the whole thing, but we have a LOT to talk about and I want to talk!!! When I try to tell him this he puts me off and either changes the subject or gets mad and walks away. This is nothing new. We have had this communication problem for most of our 13 years together, but I feel like at this point, if he's going to be successful with the treatment, if he wants to do the work that needs to be done to keep our marriage together, he has to talk to me!!! I want to know how he's feeling and what his thoughts are and what he thinks the future will bring and what he plans to do next. I have told him what my boundaries are and that we cannot live together unless he is actively in recovery, going to meetings, individual therapy, LOOKING FOR AND FINDING A JOB, and participating in our family life, but he has absolutely no response.(Except to say he wants to come home and will do all these things if I let him come home.....) I try to be gentle when talking to him and not nag because I don't want to scare him off, and I don't WANT to be a nag, but even so, he will not talk about anything other than surface stuff. Where am I going wrong?
I am really starting to feel like giving up. I don't know if I can keep putting all this energy into something that doesn't change. I am very skeptical about whether this program is helping because when he calls he goes on and on about how everyone there is "trash" and so screwed up (the typical "I'm unique" attitude) and how the employees are constantly watching the patients, and on and on with his complaints, as well as doing things that go against the rules.(Sneaking phone calls, asking me to sneak in things that aren't allowed, little things, but breaking rules nontheless)With this attitude, I cant' help but think he is not serious about recovery. Not to mention that this was the same way he behaved in treatment last time, and look how successful that was.............
Anyway, next week I am scheduled to go for three days to a family counseling deal there, and I know that if I am truly willing to do anything to help him and help us, I should go, but I am really dreading it. I hate the thought of going and him faking in front of the counselors (he is very big on putting up a front so others have no clue how things really are)and wasting my time doing the work when he likely won't even try. I feel very negative saying all this, like I don't have any hope for him, but, jeesh, maybe I don't anymore. I mean, doesn't it eventually get to that point? Where you realize things AREN'T going to change? I know my job is to change/take care of me and not try to change him, but I am not one of those people who can live with an active alcoholic and be serene within herself. If he is not going to work on himself, I will not stick around.
Please will some of you let me know your take on this? I am clued in enough to realize that I am really messed up as well, so maybe I need someone to point out where my thinking is wacky? It's hard, if not imposssible, for me to tell!!! Thanks, as always, for listening.
