Heading for divorce???

Old 10-14-2003, 03:14 PM
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Heading for divorce???

Hi everyone. H has been in inpatient for almost two weeks now and the longer he's away the less I want him to come back. The kids and I drove the two and a half hours to go visit him on Sunday. He was great with the kids, and they were so excited to see him. He was nice to me and acted happy to see me, showed us around the place, but for the most part ignored me. I know he is avoiding talking to me about the whole thing, but we have a LOT to talk about and I want to talk!!! When I try to tell him this he puts me off and either changes the subject or gets mad and walks away. This is nothing new. We have had this communication problem for most of our 13 years together, but I feel like at this point, if he's going to be successful with the treatment, if he wants to do the work that needs to be done to keep our marriage together, he has to talk to me!!! I want to know how he's feeling and what his thoughts are and what he thinks the future will bring and what he plans to do next. I have told him what my boundaries are and that we cannot live together unless he is actively in recovery, going to meetings, individual therapy, LOOKING FOR AND FINDING A JOB, and participating in our family life, but he has absolutely no response.(Except to say he wants to come home and will do all these things if I let him come home.....) I try to be gentle when talking to him and not nag because I don't want to scare him off, and I don't WANT to be a nag, but even so, he will not talk about anything other than surface stuff. Where am I going wrong?

I am really starting to feel like giving up. I don't know if I can keep putting all this energy into something that doesn't change. I am very skeptical about whether this program is helping because when he calls he goes on and on about how everyone there is "trash" and so screwed up (the typical "I'm unique" attitude) and how the employees are constantly watching the patients, and on and on with his complaints, as well as doing things that go against the rules.(Sneaking phone calls, asking me to sneak in things that aren't allowed, little things, but breaking rules nontheless)With this attitude, I cant' help but think he is not serious about recovery. Not to mention that this was the same way he behaved in treatment last time, and look how successful that was.............

Anyway, next week I am scheduled to go for three days to a family counseling deal there, and I know that if I am truly willing to do anything to help him and help us, I should go, but I am really dreading it. I hate the thought of going and him faking in front of the counselors (he is very big on putting up a front so others have no clue how things really are)and wasting my time doing the work when he likely won't even try. I feel very negative saying all this, like I don't have any hope for him, but, jeesh, maybe I don't anymore. I mean, doesn't it eventually get to that point? Where you realize things AREN'T going to change? I know my job is to change/take care of me and not try to change him, but I am not one of those people who can live with an active alcoholic and be serene within herself. If he is not going to work on himself, I will not stick around.

Please will some of you let me know your take on this? I am clued in enough to realize that I am really messed up as well, so maybe I need someone to point out where my thinking is wacky? It's hard, if not imposssible, for me to tell!!! Thanks, as always, for listening.
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Old 10-14-2003, 03:36 PM
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Hi Veggiemom,
I feel like at this point, if he's going to be successful with the treatment, if he wants to do the work that needs to be done to keep our marriage together, he has to talk to me!!! I want to know how he's feeling and what his thoughts are and what he thinks the future will bring and what he plans to do next.
Your husband has been in rehab for two weeks. You know what's on his mind? Drinking. You know what else is on his mind? Not drinking. And when he's not thinking of drinking or not drinking, he's damn sure not thinking about the mess he's made of his life, not after two weeks of being sober.

The thing is, to be successful in his treatment means he has to learn how to live life without drinking. To keep your marriage together is a whole other ball of wax that he just can't be concerned with right now. He's basically trying to live life one day at a time sober. He hasn't done that in a long time. It's going to take him a while to figure out how to make it through the day and feel like a normal person. He won't be ready to face the realities of being in a relationship and dealing with the rest of his life for quite some time.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but it will only frustrate you to keep expecting your husband work out all the problems in your marriage right now. He can't and it will probably be a few months before he is able to begin addressing it. That's why they suggest newly recovered A's wait a year before getting involved in a new relationship, which is why it's so hard when they're already in one.

Hang in there and give him some time to get used to being sober.

Hugs,
JG
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Old 10-14-2003, 03:53 PM
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JG, wow, quick reply! Thanks, I know you are right and I know this stuff, but I guess I am just so MAD and wanting him to at least acknowledge his part in the mess we're in and at least be somewhat humble about it. Instead he's mean and hostile and still seems to blame me, which seems so NOT FAIR!! (I know, I'm acting like a little kid stomping my foot, etc. etc.) When he came out of treatment last year, I was so ready to be patient and wait until he was ready to talk and ready to be a part of the family again, etc., and I knew that the 1st year after treatment is very hard for the alcoholic, so I was prepared do do whatever to help and not hinder him. And I did, and I feel like I got cheated because it didn't help, so I guess this time I feel so much more beaten down and angry and ready to give up. You'd think with a year in al-anon under my belt I'd be better at this, not worse, but, I just feel so angry and hateful and resentful.
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Old 10-14-2003, 04:25 PM
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Hi Veggiemom

This is one of the hard parts of rehab. You are thinking about the rational logistics involved in how to fix your broken life. He is only concentrating on his recovery. That is all he can do right now. He is a long way from being a healthy, financially contributing, member of your family. That may happen one day. But just for today, he has to focus all his efforts on his recovery.
The down side of this is that you are left to wonder about all the practical things. Try to do that one day at a time.
God bless you Veggiemom. I know that this is a hard situation to work through. Try to have some faith that things will work out for the best.
Peace,
Gabe
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Old 10-14-2003, 05:28 PM
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((veggiemom)) I've been there, standing there in his room at the treatment center telling him my boundaries and expectations, watching him get angry and walk away.....journeygal is RIGHT ON THE MONEY here....and when my H and I finally DID get to the talking things out part--which we're still very much working s--l--o--w--l--y at in weekly counselling with our pastor, he told me that very same thing: those first few weeks ALL I thought about was how was I going to get thru the day w/o a) either going crazy, or b) drinking again?

We don't understand it b/c we aren't living in their hell. I tried to relate it once to me and my smoking habit and when I am in a meeting at work and am having a nic fit, ALL I can think about is I can't wait for the meeting to be over so I can go out side and have a smoke--but that's a small comparison to someone who is trying with all his might to overcome this powerful demon that has overtaken his entire life and being.

Try to think of it this way: if you can give him some time now to focus on himself and get his recovery started and go at his pace and let him make this the most important thing in his life, would it be worth it if in 6 months, or a year from now, he IS able to not only stay sober, but also do all those other things you want from him too?

My H is working on his 6 month now--he still doesn't have a job, but he's done a LOT in many other ways and now we are getting to the stage where he is ready to begin working again too.

It all takes time and patience and lots of strength. Don't rush into any decisions just yet....

((hugs))
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Old 10-15-2003, 11:33 AM
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Just my opinion but if he had his head screwed on right he wouldnt be in this mess.
So what make you thnk that after 1 week his conciousness will be magicly raised.

Also I think that in order to kick a habit you have to change the way you do things. For example you might need to stay away from your drinking buddies until you can handle temptation. If theyre alkies you might need to avoid them altogether.

I think you guys have issues that go deeper than just his drinking. If you guys "talk" it will probably escalate into one of your usual Fandangos and he will want to drink. This is a dance you guys have probably been doing for a while. You two need to back off from each other so that you can get some of your serenity back.

WE both know you dont want to just "talk".
BTDT. You want him to admit youre right and apoligize for being such a weasel. It aint gonna happen he's not ready yet. Youll just end up more pissed.

I think what you really need is someone to listen to your side and help you work thru your anger and frustration. So that you can just talk and talk and talk and get it all out. But just not him cause you dont want to talk you really want to slap him around. LOL. BTDT.

Also not all their jerkiness is due to drinking. MInes been sober for a while now and he still exhibits some of the same behaviors that I chalked up to the booze talking. So even if he quits, youll be disappointed if you think youll be magicly transformed into Ozzie and Harriette .
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Old 10-15-2003, 12:18 PM
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Please consider ourself HUGGED veggie mom.

So you've been in Al-Anon a year...Good for you...and you've been married for 13 years..WELL, in my opinion you still have 12 years of Al-Anon work to do before you really recover from the family disease of alcoholism......that is unless you're alot faster learner than I am....for me the program has to become a way of living life on life's terms....I need the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions to help me live a new way, one incident at a time....I got to Al-Anon one incendent at a time for 45 years; so I firgue I'll be 90 years old before I have UNLEARNED the first 45 years...

MY problem is I WANT instant grafifcation...I WANT the pain to go away....But I soon learned in working with my sponsor that I was pre-programed to marry into a disfunciontal(?) marrage and IF I didn't learn to do things in a different way even if I left my marrage I'd more than likely just go out and find somelse just as sick ( or sicker). My sponsor pointed out to me in no uncertian terms that the "HORNS ON THEIR HEADS JUST FIT THE HOLES IN MINE."

Believe me, I completely understand your anger, disappointment , frustartion, the whole range of feelings your going though...but YOU now have a choice to make while he's in treatment....you can go forward with YOUR recovery.....knowing that He's right where he needs to be whether he likes it or not...

Keep coming back, use this site for venting, telling it like it is, for honest program feed back...so you can hear what youre thinking, see where you'e going... to get to where your H.P. needs you to be.

lOVE AND PRAYERS from one who cares....
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Old 10-15-2003, 02:29 PM
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Cecilia, you're right, we have other issues along with the alcoholism. LOTS of other issues. Blech! And I don't think all his jerkiness will go away if he's in recovery. (In fact I know it won't) And, yes, I DO want him to tell me he's sorry and he's been a jerk and what was he thinking, etc. etc. etc...is that so wrong? I KNOW he has a disease and he's sick and it's beyond his control, but I am still a human being who has the right to be respected, aren't I? I mean, in the midst of his sickness can't he even see a glimpse of that? OK I'm getting worked up here.........one of my major character defects...........many of you here seem so together and almost saintly. Sometimes I feel like a huge jerk having these selfish thoughts. But thanks to everyone for your replies. I am having a hard time sorting everything out and your opinions (and hugs!!)help so much!
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Old 10-15-2003, 02:51 PM
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Ya know, it's funny- a counselor I was seeing first brought up the codependency thing to me. I was HORRIFIED!!!! I was not codependant!!1 Anyway, she gently suggested to me that I not react when he pulled his stunts. Horror again!!!! I HAD to freak out when he finally came home!!!! That was his punishment!!! How could I let him get away with all this!!!!

Oh, he always did admit that he was a jerk, etc,. in the most genial quacking way, but it did no good, as he would just proceed to continue to do it....
Anyway, I did get beyond the scenes, and only rarely say things to him. As everyone says, it does no good and only upsets me.
I still think it's unfair that he does whatever he wants and gets away with it.

My "revenge" is that I only do what I feel like doing around the house. There are 2 adults here and he should keep his end up. If he doesn't, oh well, he'll have to live with it until SOMEONE feels like doing it.
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Old 10-15-2003, 02:55 PM
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"The more you try to control someone, the more control you give them over you. "

Youre still fixated on him. LOL.
Your happiness shouldnt depend on his apoligizing for being a jerk. If it does then youve just given him the power to make you unhappy by staying a jerk. What a deal.
The only one who can make you happy or unhappy is you.


You need to face the fact that youre probably not going to get what you need from him and move on. Dont do this for him, do it for you.
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