Yes, I do feel like I'm enabling him, covering for him. But I actually was given the advice on what to do by the kids' and my counsellers. I've levelled with them regarding their dad's alcoholism and drug abuse, but the are still struggling with exactly what that means. (Especially since he tells themI'm crazy and he doesn't have a drinking problem. Also, I enabled him for so long when we were married and part of that enabling was covering stuff up from the kids for him). Anyway, the counsellors both (seperately) advised I give the kids the facts they can handle, but be very careful how I speak about dad. The thing they both suggest is the "dad is doing the best he can" speech, in the context of the best he can while having the disease of alcoholism. Then I tell them how he doesn't intend to hurt them, but is often not able to follow through with plans because of alcoholism, how they should be prepared for him to change plans, not show up, etc. But of course the poor kids want to believe dad is okay, want to believe he's good for his word, and want to believe they are more important than alcoholism. Tough enough for an adult to deal with, never mind a 13 and 15 year old. Both the kids and my counsellors say that over time they will see the truth about dad and reach their own conclusions based on his behavior and on mine.
I just get so angry at the position the kids and I are in (do both to his alcoholism and my codependency during the marriage) that I have a hard time not spewing venom about XAH. As much as I know alcoholism is a disease, my mother wolf instincts make it very difficult to realize how anyone could do such hurtful things to their kids !! (Evidently I think I deserved the hurtful things he did to me!!!LOL)