Arrrgh, He's done it again!

Old 07-14-2007, 12:45 PM
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Arrrgh, He's done it again!

I'm so mad I could spit, so I figured venting here would be more sanitary!!!!
I've posted before about the "difficulties" XAH has finding things to do with the kids when he visits them. (complains about the money he "has" to spend, tries to horn his way into my new life...etc). No surprize to me that all these great plans he's had for the kids and him have fallen through ~ he's about as dependable as a holiday flight! Also his visits get shorter (which is okay by me). He throws in an occasional 4 hour tour of duty, but then the next week or two he takes them just long enough to cover his butt. (By that I mean tell everyone he sees his kids every Saturday.)
Last week he only saw them an hour and 45 minutes. Mind you, he only lives 15 minutes away and is out of work at 2:30 at the LATEST every day. Besides the occassional 3 minute phone call to tell the kids how much he loves them, they get 1 hour and 45 minutes of his week. This week he promised he would take them to the airport, to the batting cage, miniature golf, and my son's favorite ritzy pizza joint. He came late to get them because he said he was working. Then he only had them 2 hours, took them to the park, to Papa Ginos and tried to pretend he didn't know how to get to the airport so he could drop them off early ! (My daughter called me for directions and, knowing full well I know HE knows how to get to the airport, he tried to pretend he was just kidding.) They just were there like 15 minutes. Anyway, he told the kids his back hurt (last week's excuse, too, and his standard excuse when work gets in the way of drinking. In twenty years together, the guy had more "bad backs" and miracle recoveries than I can count ~ never actually diagnosed by a doctor!) and that the doctor had told him he couldn't work. But ~ and get this one~ he told the kids he had worked all week because he wanted to make sure he could pay child support, so couldn't take them for very long because he needed to rest! Needless to say, both kids are very disappointed. I'm biting my tongue not to talk bad about him to them. I figure at this point they're gonna see it all for themselves.
Then as an aside, I took my son to get an autograph from a Red Sox pitcher this morning. We waited 3 1/2 hours to get it, and the kid was thrilled. But XAH could just manage 2 hours.
Geeze, I hate alcoholism.
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Old 07-14-2007, 01:51 PM
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UGH! what a gem .. no Father of the Year Awards for him anytime soon !
Sad for me because this is where Im headed and I know its going to be the same
story , different A . Always an excuse or a reason for everything ..

Good luck biting that tongue , please let me know how you do it because mine will be bleeding soon too !!

(())s
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Old 07-14-2007, 03:36 PM
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I don't think crappy dads even need alcohol to be jerks to their kids. My best friend's ex has used the excuse that his rhoids are acting up not to take the kids before. Anything to keep from paying her CS and to also ditch the kids. It's incredibly sad for the kids.

I've been on a divorce forum for 10 years. Recently, one guy claimed that he has to work so many hours to pay CS, that if the mother would reduce the amount he had to pay her, he'd have more time to spend with son. He never makes the pickup times, never calls first, just leaves this kid empty handed all the time. Now wants his amount reduced on top of it. She said no. Her poor son has been let down so much. I, personally, wouldn't get my kids too hyped up if I thought AH would let them down. I think I'd try not to tell them about all their visits until he showed up.
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Old 07-14-2007, 03:41 PM
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I think the most important thing that you and everyone else here must remember is that none of this should come as a surprise.
I mean we already know these people for what they are and that’s that.
You can’t change them, even though you think they can and they could care less.
The sooner you understand these 2 FACTS, the happier you will be.


Move on with knowing what and who you are dealing with and expect nothing.



Expectations only bring resentment.
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Old 07-14-2007, 03:57 PM
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Hey GP,,,,,

I got a question. How old are the kids?

I found with my girls, there was a certain point, I had to be up front and honest with them. Maybe tell them something that wasn't pleasant, or talk to them about something that might be a tad uncomfortable. But i wanted them to learn, that open communication shouldn't be uncomfortable or scary. That's why we were a family. If you couldn't talk to them, then you had nothing.

However, I had to be very, very careful to not let my "personnal" feelings get in the way. Sometimes I would even say to them, "look, I have my OWN feelings about this situation, but this isn't about that, its about giving you guys the facts so YOU don't feel its anything you did or said. It's not your fault". At least if it was out inthe open, there would be no confusion and the issue would be recognized.

Then I agree with Mr C, Move on. Don't let you or the kids get caught up in his disease.

So, was it Dice K?

Peace
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Old 07-14-2007, 04:01 PM
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This is true, Mr Christian. But it's tough when you are trying not to influence your kids opinion. I try not to comment when they tell me what dad has planned for them. I know what he is and how he'll act, but I have to give him the opportunity to do the right thing. After they're let down, I give the kids the "Dad does the best he can right now" speech and try to explain how he doesn't intend to hurt them, yadda yadda. Believe me, I'd LOVE to tell them that Dad has only one concern now, his drinking, and until/if he hits bottom it's not going to get better. That would make me feel good, but be a lousy thing to do to them. Maybe it's a codie thing, but, you bet I resent what he does and the position he puts us all in!
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Old 07-14-2007, 04:01 PM
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Nope, Wakefield. He was so cute!!
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Old 07-14-2007, 04:13 PM
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Originally Posted by guineapigjude View Post
After they're let down, I give the kids the "Dad does the best he can right now" speech and try to explain how he doesn't intend to hurt them, yadda yadda.
Hold up a minute. Is it REALLY the best he can do right now? Or are you "enabling" him by making an excuse for him. I'm wondering if it wouldn't be better to comfort the kids and say "I'm sorry you are hurt." Or ask them how they feel. I think some counseling might be good for them to help them figure out how they feel and how to deal with their feelings.

I'm certainly no shrink. But I don't think you should cover for him. He's making bad choices. The consequences should be his, not deflected by you. Let's face it, unless he changes, your kids are going to struggle with rejection from him. Best to teach them coping skills now rather than allow it to build up over years.
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Old 07-14-2007, 04:53 PM
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Yes, I do feel like I'm enabling him, covering for him. But I actually was given the advice on what to do by the kids' and my counsellers. I've levelled with them regarding their dad's alcoholism and drug abuse, but the are still struggling with exactly what that means. (Especially since he tells themI'm crazy and he doesn't have a drinking problem. Also, I enabled him for so long when we were married and part of that enabling was covering stuff up from the kids for him). Anyway, the counsellors both (seperately) advised I give the kids the facts they can handle, but be very careful how I speak about dad. The thing they both suggest is the "dad is doing the best he can" speech, in the context of the best he can while having the disease of alcoholism. Then I tell them how he doesn't intend to hurt them, but is often not able to follow through with plans because of alcoholism, how they should be prepared for him to change plans, not show up, etc. But of course the poor kids want to believe dad is okay, want to believe he's good for his word, and want to believe they are more important than alcoholism. Tough enough for an adult to deal with, never mind a 13 and 15 year old. Both the kids and my counsellors say that over time they will see the truth about dad and reach their own conclusions based on his behavior and on mine.
I just get so angry at the position the kids and I are in (do both to his alcoholism and my codependency during the marriage) that I have a hard time not spewing venom about XAH. As much as I know alcoholism is a disease, my mother wolf instincts make it very difficult to realize how anyone could do such hurtful things to their kids !! (Evidently I think I deserved the hurtful things he did to me!!!LOL)
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Old 07-14-2007, 04:59 PM
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Gotcha. Sounds like you are doing the best thing. I can imagine you've got to be so sad watching this happen to your kids and mad at your ex.
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Old 07-14-2007, 05:27 PM
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It's his loss. If and when he recovers, he'll wish he had that time back.

Don't ask me how I know.
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Old 07-14-2007, 08:19 PM
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I fully understand your situation. I won't even tell you how long it's been since my xah has seen his kids or how little quality time he spends with them when he is lucky even to have them want to see him. Why? Because in the grand scheme of things, it's kind of irrelevant.

It's as Mr. Christian said. Expectations do bring resentments and I've learned not to expect (or even have any misguided hope) that my x is going to change anytime soon. He's proven to the kids by his repeated behavior that this is how it is and they (like I) eventually just had to come to terms with it in their own way.

Yes, I know that sounds harsh, but really - there was nothing for me to do. I'd enabled him and covered for him for far too long and when I learned to let go and mind my own business, they had always seen and known the truth but my letting go and staying out of it allowed them to come to terms with it. And that is something that I couldn't do for them no matter how much I wish I could have made things easier or better for them. I couldn't/can't change him - that's just a fact. I don't have to like what he does or doesn't do, nor do I have to approve. I chose to go on with my life and that meant allowing him to be who and how he chooses to be.

As Glass Prisoner said - someday he will regret his choices. But there again, there is nothing you can do about that.

For future reference, let me just give you a forewarning.........these feelings will stick around, or reappear, when another woman enters into the picture most likely. (I'd seen it before and it's happened w/ my own situation as well) So I really hope that you'll find a way to digest and accept the reality here.

He's not a great Dad - and may not ever be.
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Old 07-15-2007, 04:16 AM
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Thanks so much. The logical, trying to detach me sits back and says the things like, "I can't make it easier for them" and I know its true, but it sure hurts to see them go through it. Especially when the kids already feel abandoned by him, and are clinging to any contact with him. Ironically, he always mentions he's a great dad. I've made a decision not to acknowledge the statement when he does this, as I think I would become a shreiking harpy should I start, and as he wouldn't get it anyway. He truly thinks he's a great dad.
I love hearing from all of you, because you really help me keep my resolve firm. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever trust my own judgement again? I know my course will be rough, but at least I'm on the right one!!!!
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Old 07-15-2007, 04:57 AM
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like mr c., i was going to ask you just how does this surprise you? ah, hells fire, i know......i used to do that all the time with my xh. i just kept doing things the same way with my xh, expecting a different outcome each time. then i just could not believe that he would do what he would do.

the ball was in my court the whole time......and i kept bouncing it back to a very sick man, expecting him to score with the ball, or at least be able to do a good dribble with it. i took my ball, and went home........to play with people that would be part of our team.

it was then up to me to figure out why my mind set was trying to insist that this sick person play a decent game of ball, when i really knew he wasn't willing to, able to....whatever.

i had to fix me and re-wire my thinking.

much love to you 123....(i'll be singing that tune in my head all day now....but isn't that just too sweet.....them little children singing at the end of the song?????? i just love it)

jeri
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