This is a copy of a thread I started a few weeks ago:
There seems to be a lot of discussion about abuse here these days, and whether or not addiction causes abuse. This book: 'Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft (a therapist who works in an abusers program) opened my eyes and my mind to the fact that my ex is an abuser, period. Drugs or no drugs.
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Here is some wisdom from this book:
The role that alcohol and drugs play in abusiveness is greatly misunderstood. A majority of abusers are not addicts, and even those who are mistreat their partners even when they are not using.
Addiction does not cause partner abuse, and recovery from addiction does not cure it, although a man's addictions can contribute in important ways to his cruelty or volatility. Ironically, it is not uncommon for abusers to actually get worse when in addiction recovery. There are many similarities in addicts and abusers, such as:
-Escalation
-Denial, minimization, and blaming
-Choosing approving peers
-Lying and manipulating
-Lack of predictability
-Defining roles for family members
-High rates of relapse
Differences in addiction and abuse include:
-Abusers don't 'hit bottom' unless it is in a legal sense. Abuse is not self-destructive, but it is highly destructive to others. Your life and sanity may slide down the tubes due to the way he treats you, but his won't.
-Addiction has short-term rewards (quick, easy pleasure and relief from emotional pain), but these rewards are usually relatively short-lived as the addicts life spins out of control. Abuse can be rewarding to the abuser for a life time. Abusers gain multiple benefits through their behavior that do no damage to them, only to others.
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Abuse is a problem that lies entirely within the abuser.....his thinking, his attitudes, his beliefs. Chronic mistreatment gets people to doubt themselves. When someone has invaded your identity in this way enough times, you naturally start to lose your balance. Lundy names these hallmarks of an abuser's mentality:
1) He is controlling. This control comes in many different forms, some more obvious than others.
2) He feels that he is entitled to special rights and priviliges that do not apply to his partner in the areas of physical, emotional, or sexual caretaking, and believes his partner should always defer to his wishes. He considers himself above criticism and accountability for his behavior.
3) He twists things into their opposites. ("I had to do it because she.....insert whatever here...")
4) He disrespects his partner and considers himself superior.
5) He confuses love and abuse. What he calls 'love' is more often a desire to have you devote your life to keeping him happy; the desire to possess and control you.
6) He is manipulative. He changes moods abruptly and frequently. He denies the obvious about what he is doing or feeling. He convinces you that what he wants you to do is best for you. He gets you to feel sorry for him. He gets you to blame yourself or others for what he does. He uses confusion tactives in arguments. He lies and misleads you about his actions, desires, and reasons for doing things. He tries to turn others against you.
7) He strives to have a good public image. Part of how he gets his power is by looking good in public.
8) He feels justified. He is a master at excuse-making. Everything is someone else's fault-usually yours.
9) He denies and minimizes his abuse. A woman can fell that she is losing her mind-or develop real psychiatric symptoms-if the obvious realities of her life are denied repeatedly by her partner.
10) He is possessive. They have a sense of ownership of their partners.
Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunkis entitlement, and the branches are control.
Abuse and respect are opposites; abusers cannot changes unless they overcome their core of disrespect toward their partners.
Abusers are far more conscious of what they are doing than they appear to be. Their behaviors are driven by their core attitudes.
Abusers are UNWILLING to be nonabusive, not unable. They do not want to give up power and control.
You are not crazy. Trust your perceptions of how your abusive partner treats you.
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Again, the book is 'Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft. I got it on Amazon.com. If abusiveness is part of your relationship, I encourage you to get it and read it.