DW, I have not responded much to your threads since my situation is not similar, but I can relate to the hurt you are feeling. Sometimes, I think when a situation hits too close to home and we see things that we aren't happy about within our selves when another expresses what is going on in her life, the reaction is strong and emotional....I too believe that the basis of help in programs, especially the "anon" programs is sharing experience, strength and hope, not passing judgement. That is not what a 12 step program is about and I hope you won't equate the two.
I truly do not believe anyone meant to pass judgement...probably just reliving pain they felt or feel in their own lives and reacting. The unfortunate part of a forum is that we can not see the pain in each others eyes; we can not see the support and love...only feel it through writing. And when negative emotions take over the writing, when someone relives the pain they experienced, that can be tough and I guess things just don't come out the way they should. Everyone wants to spare you pain, not make you feel pain...but at the same time, no one walks in your shoes.
I know you are giving things thoughtful consideration...My suggestion is to try, just for a few hours if you can, to take a break from projecting what will happen, to give yourself a short vacation from worry and just breathe. I've found when my world is upside down, just breathing helps...and remembering the first person who told me that just for now all I had to do was breathe, makes me smile, for she has become a treasured Naranon friend.
I know you love your children...I know you are not a "bad" mom. You are doing the best you can in the situation you are in; a very difficult and painful situation...I am glad you have lots of support and I am praying for you and your whole family. Hugs