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the evaluation can only be done from a legal standpoint

Old 07-08-2007, 07:57 PM
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the evaluation can only be done from a legal standpoint

There is always something that comes up... Now, it seems that the evaluation my ah is supposed to have can only be done either in a therapeutic or legal standdpoint, but not both. Therapuetically there is a new law out, that my lawyer didnt know about in which the psychiatirst has to report the findings of the eval. to the legal ethics committee and that could result in my ah's loss of job or suspension of liscence or both.....(something i have been trying to avoid)..if it is done legally, than i ebeliee it would be more forensic in nature and my kids may even have to be interviewed by the psychiatirst, which is NOT what i want at all..... i do not want them involved in this....

my lawyer is going to talk to a few different psychiatrists and let me know more tomorrow. This is getting way too complicated....and i dont know how my ah would agree to an eval. where it is going to be used against him later on. And also where my kids would be interviewed..he woudlnt want that either. I jsut wanted him to get an evaluation and be recommended the best treatment for him....and then he could make his own decision if he were to go through with it or not and hopefully he would make the right choice....now i feel theres so much legal sh** invloved.

Some psychiatrist also told me that many times they djont want to do the eval. when there is adversarial goings on between husband and wife. I also think my ah will think this whole thing is a ploy for me to get custody of the kids if it is done legally and then he will be angry and fight more aggressively.

Nothing is ever easy!!!



what happens if you just go for a divorce and the drugs comes out in the custody hearing?????
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Old 07-08-2007, 08:01 PM
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one other thing---if you are doing coke, can you do workaround the house?? my ah was doing nothing here, but now he has been doing alot of physical work arounf the rental house, like ripping out bushes for hours and other stuff.. he also sent me an article (i know i shouldnt be reading it) about the purity of cocaine andhow the coc you get now is mixed with talcom powder another chemicals...it makes it harder to become addicted and the high from it is more like amphetamines....it is CRACK that is more addictive and potent. But even if that is true...the fact that he ws doing it and wouldnt stop when he knew it was ruining our marriage shows he is addicted .and how he didnt care about all the $$ he spent on it.. he also said he did it becaue he was so depressed he didnt want to live---healthy people go on anti-depressants and go to therapy for depression...not take illegal drugs.....and he said "he thought he ws doing the best thing forme and the kids" again, crazy thinking..how could it possibly be the best thing????
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Old 07-08-2007, 08:03 PM
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I wish I could offer you any information, but I have none, so I thought I would send some hugs and prayers your way.
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Old 07-08-2007, 08:03 PM
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I still think either way your husband is smart enough to bluff and pass the eval.

It would say a lot more and do more good if he would just agree to go to anonymous drug counseling.

Florida and Connecticuit bars would only require an attorney to get treatment, and only suspend their license if they refused, I thought New Jersey had the same policy, they did a few years ago
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Old 07-08-2007, 08:06 PM
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what happens if you just go for a divorce and the drugs comes out in the custody hearing?????
DW...
This is a legal issue and should be left for your attorney to handle. Any advice given here could be misleading or incorrect for your particular situation.
Why are you reading the mail he sends? Coke is as addictive as any other drug.
I forgot what type of restrictive order has been placed on him...maybe you could refresh my memory?
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Old 07-08-2007, 08:08 PM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
how the coc you get now is mixed with talcom powder another chemicals...it makes it harder to become addicted


That's the funniest thing I've heard in a while!!!

Coke is cut with all sorts of things because pure cocaine can kill you at first snort, but the high, unlike meth which can last for days, only lasts for like 15 to 20 minutes. That's what makes it so highly addictive.
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Old 07-08-2007, 08:08 PM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
one other thing---if you are doing coke, can you do workaround the house?? my ah was doing nothing here, but now he has been doing alot of physical work arounf the rental house, like ripping out bushes for hours and other stuff.. he also sent me an article (i know i shouldnt be reading it) about the purity of cocaine andhow the coc you get now is mixed with talcom powder another chemicals...it makes it harder to become addicted and the high from it is more like amphetamines....it is CRACK that is more addictive and potent. But even if that is true...the fact that he ws doing it and wouldnt stop when he knew it was ruining our marriage shows he is addicted .and how he didnt care about all the $$ he spent on it.. he also said he did it becaue he was so depressed he didnt want to live---healthy people go on anti-depressants and go to therapy for depression...not take illegal drugs.....and he said "he thought he ws doing the best thing forme and the kids" again, crazy thinking..how could it possibly be the best thing????

My husband does the physical work after using, and during if snorting coke. Even when smoking crack he was a binger so he'd use all evening get up do a lot of vigourous work to make him feel less guilty and use again. The pattern would go on a while then he's fall into a depression stop the productivity for awhile, ect. Course, if he knew a test was coming up he for quite a long time would stay clean as well, with the intention of proving someone wrong as his motivation, when he didnt get validation for staying clean and working so hard he's binge again.

One final thought about that, who says he's been doing the work and have they seen it? AH used to call huffing and puffing saying how he was doing this and that and Id be so happy when I saw the progress only later for me to find out it was an intention that was never reached as he thought he could get high first
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Old 07-08-2007, 08:14 PM
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Originally Posted by cmc View Post
DW...
This is a legal issue and should be left for your attorney to handle. Any advice given here could be misleading or incorrect for your particular situation.
Why are you reading the mail he sends? Coke is as addictive as any other drug.
I forgot what type of restrictive order has been placed on him...maybe you could refresh my memory?
Ditto. Time to stop talking and start listening, DW.
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Old 07-08-2007, 09:15 PM
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((DW)) This is said with love...


We can't plan outcomes.



I sure hear you trying to manage the minutia of how this goes down for your husband... and even with good reason (the ones you listed are good), I have come to believe that the path we are on is not one over which we have all that much control. Stuff just rolls out the way it is supposed to.

If you don't follow through, what are the results? Do you go back to the way you were before? Was that good for you or the kids? Even if it was tolerable, please remember addiction is progressive... whatever you had is the best it will be.

I wish you well.
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Old 07-08-2007, 09:16 PM
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dw,

IMHO, it is past time for you to take your hands completely off of the addict, the addict's treatment (or lack thereof), and any type of communication he may send you. You are still playing his game and you will not win; he is a master at it and he is still sucking you in. You are still trying to 'figure him out'. It cannot be done, because he is an addict. I would bet my last dollar that he knows he is sending you in a tailspin and he is loving every minute of it.

I don't blame you for not wanting your kids in the middle of anything else, but if you think they are not in the middle right now and being hurt very deeply, you are mistaken. You are spending all your energy second-guessing and trying to control an addict and all the consequences of that addict's behavior. Your kids need you to spend that energy being their mom.

Stop driving yourself insane trying to control every thing that happens and listening to every excuse-or whatever-that he throws at you. Saying that it's harder to get addicted to coke because it is cut with something is one of the more ridiculous addict lines I have heard, and I have heard a lot of them.

If you are worried about the consequences of this evaulation thing, then why not just drop it and let the man sink or swim on his own? It's not going to make any difference if he is doing it because you are forcing it on him, and like someone above said, he is probably slick enough to manipulate it anyway..

If you are tired of living in chaos, and if you want to divorce this man, then just do it. Stop basing every decision that you make on what it may or may not do to him, or on whether or not he did this or that. Maybe if he sees that nothing he says or does is going to rattle you the way it does now, he will decide that he needs to make some life changes. Or maybe he won't.

Either way...... YOU ARE POWERLESS over what he does. I still don't think you are getting that.

Bluntly honest, but said with compassion and concern....
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Old 07-08-2007, 09:26 PM
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I agree keep letting your lawyer handle things, an listen to his advice. As far as what he sent you be sure to pass that to the lawyer, since he admits to using cocaine in his letter that might help if it does come to a custody battle.
Your husband may very well have stopped using for now until things settle down. But if that's the only reason he'll start right back up again soon as he thinks the coast is clear. In the letter he is trying to justify his drug use in my opinion that doesn't sound like someone that's going to stay clean.
You've held up pretty good so far so just stay strong take it one day at a time an let the lawyer do his job.
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Old 07-08-2007, 10:38 PM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
one other thing---if you are doing coke, can you do workaround the house??

he also sent me an article (i know i shouldnt be reading it) about the purity of cocaine andhow the coc you get now is mixed with talcom powder another chemicals...it makes it harder to become addicted and the high from it is more like amphetamines....it is CRACK that is more addictive and potent.
Coke and crack are the same thing in different forms. I have done cocaine in every possible form in my life (snorted, freebased, crack, and I even shot it up a couple of times 20 years ago) so I know what I'm talking about. They are both highly addictive. Luckily I never did get addicted, but i came close. Both can be cooked up more to make them more 'pure' and get rid of some of the additives. I'm sure your H knows how to do this. All coke/crack is cut with something and it is all still just as addictive. Sometimes methamphetamine is mixed with it. A crack high is a little more intense and does not last as long, but they are both essentially the same drug. Someone with your husband's kind of money can get the best stuff, rest assured.

Yes, he can do work in the yard while he is high. He is trying to justify his drug use. There is one reason he was doing coke. It ups the dopamine levels in the brain. This makes him feel good. That is why he does it.

Last edited by raerae6; 07-08-2007 at 10:57 PM.
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Old 07-08-2007, 10:49 PM
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I am not sure about the legal issues..................but I have alot of experience with the evaluations..........we've ( our family) been thru a few in the long custody battle for custody of my stepson

It was scary and as a mom you dont want your kids exposed to "interviews" but let me tell you what we found in our eval...............stepson had wants and wishes and valid reasons for those things..................his imput was valuable and in the end resulted in a compromise of sorts...........between the parties.............

If the evaluator is good and works with children your children could benefit from being able to speak freely to someone who can be unbias and really listen and form opinions........at least that was our experince

plus the evaluator was able to identify things that we the parties were too involved with to notice...............

as for the line of questions....../interview
the kids draw pictures, fill out fill in the blank questionares, tell stories to picture cards...etc
then the child meets with the doctor with each parent seperately.......doctor watches them play and interact......then talks to child asking things like...........tell me something fun about you and dad..........tell me something not so fun............

they dont put the child in the middle and say....tell me all the bad things about mommy or daddy......they really are just interested in the dynamics between the parent and child from the child perspective.........

they also ask the child about schedule type stuff............who hewlps with homework who takes you to sports who takes you to doctors etc...........and if your the one that does all those things.............better for you in the event of a custody dispute...........because you've been the PRIMARY caregiver.........
good luck!!! hang in there
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Old 07-09-2007, 05:16 AM
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prayers for you that you will keep the focus on you & your children.your husband is the addict,it is his problem.maybe whatever happens will be his bottom.saying a prayer for him that he will see the light & will come clean.until he does things will not get any better for him.
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Old 07-09-2007, 05:55 AM
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Yes, my RAH use to still do stuff if he was using - then there were days he wouldn't. He also use to justify himself using, he was depressed, didn't like his job and on & on. He would send me text messages that he didn't want to live anymore and that he uses to get out of his depressed. They were all excuses -

In the beginning I use to feel bad and try and help him - there were times he would ask me to come home from work. Finally oneday he sent me a text again about saying how he didn't want to live. I told him I could either A. call an ambulance, or B. come home and take him to the hospital. He chose neither!

Let your lawyer handle everything -
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Old 07-09-2007, 06:33 AM
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The whole of your post still screams one thing:
What you want him to do so you will retain your financial standing and not have to face the loss of that.

Beyond that, it is even more manipulative... you want him to get treatment and go to rehab and get better and treat you like a loving husband and Father to your kids.. and "live happlily ever after."

First of all, get over the financial dream. Do it now while you can. You are relying on a drug addict to provide you with your life style. It is high time you simply faced the fact that life is NOT going to go on like that. It MAY go on like that, but probably not. Your husband is a coke head. He may become, or may already be, a crack head. Yes. Just like the guys in the bad part of town sitting in vacant door ways with no place to go but to figure out how to get their next hit. Just like the homeless addicts you see on the street. He is the SAME as them. Would you rely on any of those folks to support you and your kids? Not likely. Just because your husband wears a suit and a tie to work and is a professional does not mean he will stay in that status. HE IS A DRUG ADDICT.

You wnat him to go to rehab and get better. I do not think there is a person here who is involved with an addict who does not want the same thing. No matter WHAT the legal system says.. not matter what the courts say... not matter what your husband says.. this is UP TO HIM. Recovery is not a finished product EVER. You work it every day for the rest of your life to stay sober. Same for us codies.

Until he hits bottom (he has a LONG way to go from the sound of your posts) and until YOU hit bottom (and you too have a long way to go) you are going to continue to play this game.. back and forth..

You and he are as locked together the same as fighting bucks with tangled antlers!

Sadly, by doing this game.. the back and forth.. this attempt to manipulated the outcome.. you are creating suffering. Terrible cost and suffering.. and the people who are suffering? Not you and not your husband.. it is your game. YOUR KIDS ARE THE ONES WHO WILL SUFFER.

In the end, they would be better off without the chaos in a small apartment surrounded with peace and living smaller than staying where they are in the midst of the horror and drama you and your husband are creating. And yes, you AND he are creating this.

I am sorry if this sounds like I am riding over you a bit rough shod, but I really hate to see kids in the middle of such a thing.

Last edited by Elana; 07-09-2007 at 06:57 AM.
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Old 07-10-2007, 09:17 AM
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thanks for your responses

the evaluation will NOT have to be done in a legal standpoint. another ppsychiatirst told me and my lawyer that nothing has to go to the ethics committee.

As for those of you who think i am trying to control what my ah does--maybe you're right in a sense, but i also feel that i am giving him a shot at a better life...that maybe i am lifting the bottom a little BEFORE he looses his job or faces jail time or even kills himself with that garbage...He is the father of my children and THEY deserve a healthy dad. If a little push in the right direction gets him to see the light, then it will be well worth it..what about court ordered rehab? what about schools that send kids to rehab??? these people are not looking to get better themselves...but sometimes while they are force dto do something, while there, something clicks...my ah wants to have the evaluation and wants to have treatment if it is recommended...that is what he is saying at this time...his reasons for sending me the letter on the purity of coc was because he has convinced himself he is not addictd to it, and then he read an article about the purity of cocaine and how it is not "as addicting when it is not in its pureset form.." and he read that and it reinforced his beliefs and so he wanted to get that point across to me...not to justify his using..he knows he shouldnt be doing coke and he has told me so....he is just in denile that he is addicted to it...he still doesnt get that pure or not.... he wouldnt stop using when it was causing problems in our marriage, he wouldnt stop using when i asked him to, he wouldnt stop using after spending thousands and thousands of dollars- putting us in debt, he wouldnt even keep it out of the house, away from our children when i asked him to----all this spells addiction..and it is an unhealthy mind that tells him he is doing what is best for his wife and kids or that he is so depressed, why not do drugs...you are only hurting yourself....that is the mind of an addict....

as for the financial end of it--- i am well aware of how my life is going to change---i had a father who didnt pay child support or alimony--i did not want a life like that for my kids...i am looking into how i can better support myself and my kids, but right now, while he still has his job----i have to rely on his support....i just cant do it by myself over night--it just doesnt happen like that..sure, i can sell my house and move, and that is what will most likely happen..but in the meantime he has to support us..legally he has to..and if he looses his job, he will have to find the money or get another job to support us..im sure the courts will back me up on this..it is his responsiblity...i know i have to prepare for the future, and that is what i am doing..im researching the best route to take so that one day i can support me and my kids...right now...i cant....the living expenses are very high where we live..and i just cant pack up and move out of here...legally i cant, and emotionally i cant.

thanks for your understanding and support.
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Old 07-10-2007, 10:00 AM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
but i also feel that i am giving him a shot at a better life...that maybe i am lifting the bottom a little BEFORE he looses his job or faces jail time or even kills himself with that garbage....
Eventually you are going to have to understand that what you have said above is just not possible. You aren't giving him a shot at a better life, only he can do that. You aren't lifting his bottom, only he can reach it. Nothing you say or nothing you do will ever change this. He can talk the talk all day long but until he walks the walk recovery will never happen. If he really understood that he was an addict, this evaluation would be unnecessary. He would recognize he needed treatment and get it...period, not because someone else tells him he needs it. If he gets the evaluation and if a professional tells him that yes, he is an addict, do you really believe that will be all it will take to get him into recovery? It won't be. He can check in and go through the motions but until he really accepts his addiction and comes out of denial it is all a waste of time. Until YOU accept the fact that you have nothing to do with his addiction, with his rock bottom or with his recovery, you will never find recovery for yourself either and I really hate that for you. You are wasting so much precious time in your life trying to control your husband.
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Old 07-10-2007, 10:02 AM
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DW,
Listen to your lawyer, I hope your AH will get into rehab because he wants to not because you want him to. In your last post you sound more upbeat, and seem to see things more clearly. I know about the high cost of living in your area since I lived in that area for awhile. It is about twice the cost of where I live. Been thinking about you, hope you get to a meeting soon,
Hugs
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Old 07-10-2007, 10:08 AM
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Evaluations go on what an addict tells them about their drug use and you know addicts lie...what else needs to be said...
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