If the question is doesn't Al-Anon dictate to keep my mouth shut, the answer is no.
Exactly. It is your right to voice/express to you AH that YOU are not comfortable with her coming to visit right now. Please postpone the visit for as long as possible. Ask him if he really wants the "stress'' of his mother at this time and then let him make the decision.
If she should come, I would suggest RUNNING to as many Alanon meetings in a day as you can, they will help you stay focused and be a 'safe haven' for you. Hopefully , your AH will follow your lead and do the same. That will give 'gramma' all the time she wants with the kids................................she can babysit, rofl.
Phrases as you are rushing out the door "so sorry, can't miss my meeting, sure am glad you are here to watch the kids, saves on a babysitter." and you are gone. Ah can do the same.
This will in essence give you limited time with her. Upon return from your evening meetings you will be fortified to handle and hour or so and then, "well, time for bed, have to get my rest for tomorrow." and off you two go................................ Rude?? Maybe, however SELF PRESERVATION at this early time in recovery is tatamount FOR BOTH OF YOU.
Remember, her 'words' can only hurt you if you let them. Start looking at her as a very sick miserable person, and her words reflect that. Her opinion of you doesn't matter. As to you AH, I hope he can discuss his feelings about his mother with his sponsor, or therapist, this will go a long way in helping him also.
Until the day my mother passed she was a very vindictive, controlling, biased racist person. My sister and I years ago figured it out and we both used the same ways with her. She loved you and was nice as long as she thought you were doing what she wanted, but the minute she believed you weren't she got verbally mean. At those times we would immediately hang up the phone, call the other one and say be prepared. Sure enough she would call my sister and complain about me, or would call me and complain about my sister. We each would say the same thing, over and over like a broken record "well mom, she's is an adult, not 10 yrs old, and it's time you accepted that. Have to go will talk to you later." and hang up.
That only happened after both my sister and I gained RESPECT for OURSELVES. Alanon and AA helped me with that and getting my 'self worth' back. Alanon helped my sister with that and her self worth.
Now, don't get me wrong, I loved my mother, however, there were many many times over the years when I DID NOT LIKE HER, and in the last 12 years I was able to tell her so.
My mother learned her ways at my grandmother's knee, a woman by the way, that my mother swore she hated and would never be like, lmao and in fact was her twin. Dysfuntion can go from generation to generation. My sister and I STOPPED IT in our family. Now our children will have to develope their own dysfuntions, lol.
Respektingme stand up for yourself YOU ARE WORTH IT. AH has to stand up for himself when he is ready.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care.
Love and hugs,