Stessors

Old 07-10-2007, 07:04 AM
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Stessors

My AH is in his 2nd week of rehab. I'm in my first week of Al-Anon. We're babes in this process, fragile. It's learning new ways of thinking.

My mother-in-law (MIL) is an overbearing, controlling, manipulative, self-centered, religious, condemning, destructive person. Often times her tactics are cloaked in "concern", but they always do damage.

We just moved 4 hours away from her (from 14) in March. She knows AH just started rehab. She called him and wants to come visit in 2 weeks. I haven't spoken to her since Thanksgiving and it's been a Godsend for me. She is toxic to me and I finally learned to end my relationship with her.

She wanted to come from Mon-Wed. AH is in outpatient rehab Mon and Wed nights and has to work all 3 days, so he told her it wasn't a good time. But he added that she is going to look at her calendar (she is retired but very busy with the church) and call him back with another time.

She abused AH as a child. He is still afraid of her. This man is almost 50, a very successful professional and he can not stand up to her. Whenever she is around, he drinks in excess. I have to take my anxiety meds. She always either cries (which makes AH jump into rescue mode), or condemns others (so AH can be her protecter), or is jumping on somebody. We do not need her to be here right now.

Of course, AH usually would argue that "she wants to see the kids". I don't think we need to consider her wants right now. He and I are babes learning how to communicate again. If anything were to threaten his sobriety right now, it would be her.

So, does Al-Anon dictate that I keep my mouth shut, don't say anything, watch her come and wreak havoc, watch my AH start drinking, let them do their thing and just watch out for myself?

Or should I say or do something so that she won't come? AH really needs to deal with his feelings about her. He's always so protective of her. He's her hero. But I suspect deep down he'd like to choke her. He'd never admit that to me though. But I think he should address it with a counselor.
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Old 07-10-2007, 07:25 AM
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Al-Anon doesn't dictate anything. In the beginning I went to many meetings, sometimes twice a day.

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Old 07-10-2007, 07:28 AM
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Isn't the primary focus of Al-Anon to stop focusing on what other people do and start focusing on what is good for us?
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Old 07-10-2007, 08:18 AM
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Al-Anon is, I think, a program that needs to be experienced rather than explained. There are no rules, so nothing is dictated. If the question is doesn't Al-Anon dictate to keep my mouth shut, the answer is no.

I'm certainly not a spokesperson for Al-Anon, no one is. I can only share the experience, strength and hope I have gained from the program.
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Old 07-10-2007, 09:50 AM
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If the question is doesn't Al-Anon dictate to keep my mouth shut, the answer is no.
Exactly. It is your right to voice/express to you AH that YOU are not comfortable with her coming to visit right now. Please postpone the visit for as long as possible. Ask him if he really wants the "stress'' of his mother at this time and then let him make the decision.

If she should come, I would suggest RUNNING to as many Alanon meetings in a day as you can, they will help you stay focused and be a 'safe haven' for you. Hopefully , your AH will follow your lead and do the same. That will give 'gramma' all the time she wants with the kids................................she can babysit, rofl.

Phrases as you are rushing out the door "so sorry, can't miss my meeting, sure am glad you are here to watch the kids, saves on a babysitter." and you are gone. Ah can do the same.

This will in essence give you limited time with her. Upon return from your evening meetings you will be fortified to handle and hour or so and then, "well, time for bed, have to get my rest for tomorrow." and off you two go................................ Rude?? Maybe, however SELF PRESERVATION at this early time in recovery is tatamount FOR BOTH OF YOU.

Remember, her 'words' can only hurt you if you let them. Start looking at her as a very sick miserable person, and her words reflect that. Her opinion of you doesn't matter. As to you AH, I hope he can discuss his feelings about his mother with his sponsor, or therapist, this will go a long way in helping him also.

Until the day my mother passed she was a very vindictive, controlling, biased racist person. My sister and I years ago figured it out and we both used the same ways with her. She loved you and was nice as long as she thought you were doing what she wanted, but the minute she believed you weren't she got verbally mean. At those times we would immediately hang up the phone, call the other one and say be prepared. Sure enough she would call my sister and complain about me, or would call me and complain about my sister. We each would say the same thing, over and over like a broken record "well mom, she's is an adult, not 10 yrs old, and it's time you accepted that. Have to go will talk to you later." and hang up.

That only happened after both my sister and I gained RESPECT for OURSELVES. Alanon and AA helped me with that and getting my 'self worth' back. Alanon helped my sister with that and her self worth.

Now, don't get me wrong, I loved my mother, however, there were many many times over the years when I DID NOT LIKE HER, and in the last 12 years I was able to tell her so.

My mother learned her ways at my grandmother's knee, a woman by the way, that my mother swore she hated and would never be like, lmao and in fact was her twin. Dysfuntion can go from generation to generation. My sister and I STOPPED IT in our family. Now our children will have to develope their own dysfuntions, lol.

Respektingme stand up for yourself YOU ARE WORTH IT. AH has to stand up for himself when he is ready.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care.

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-10-2007, 09:55 AM
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Hopefully with working the steps yourself in al-anon & attending meetings where you hear people share openly and honestly, you will learn this communication skill. You will be able to tell your M-in-L what you want and how you are feeling. We can learn to communic. effectively w/o anger, retreat, ignoring, etc. We can communic. passionately from our strength and yet hear the other person too. Certainly until you + hubby get more recocery you are thinking right to tell this lady that you two are preoccupied with sobriety now and that Xmas or some other time would be better for a visit. Tell her you understand her position but that it doesn't work for you right now.
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