Is this Classic Codependency?
Hi all, have not posted for a while, been a member for about 4 years. My question is about my abf's family. Highschool sweethearts (class of 1980), we reunited after my divorce in 2002 from a bad marriage. He was never married, but I allowed myself too quickly to fall back in love with him and did not realize the whole picture until I was knee-deep in this stuff. I also realize I did not give myself time to heal from the bad marriage and I brought "trust issues" to this relationship. Please read the facts below and tell me if you believe this is classic codepency in his family as well as my part:
He is 45 and lives with his semi-disabled mother 67 who is Xanax and Ambien dependent (no offense to anyone here who has to take these medications) and lives off her dead husband's surviving spouses benefits and social security.
His sister is 37, bipolar,and also lives with mother with her 2 kids (girl) age 7 and (boy) 13. His brother (who would have been 46) also lived at home, has since died from a crack overdose that happened at home last summer (my abf discovered him dead in the bathroom). The brother was getting a disability check that he had to share with their mother.
My abf holds a county job full-time and I suspect from since we had been together that he recreationally used crack, marijuana, cocaine powder and the latest DOC cheese heroin with Benadry (binging mostly on weekends after a pay day).
My question about the codependency is that he has to give his mom much of his check to help pay bills until her checks come, and she may pay him back in beer or gas. He also borrows off and gives money to his sister and they pay each other back. He will do this before giving any money voluntarily to me.
His mother blames much of her childrens dysfunction on her alcoholic husband (died from cancer) not fully help her to train them about responsibility. So she encourages them that its okay that they can not balance a check book. (can u believe this?) Also, it seems when his mom thinks he is giving me any money, she ups the amount of money he is to give her from his paycheck.
I have also been in the picture (until I recently cut things off) of letting him borrow from me between his paydays and give me the money back (with interest) when he gets paid. I did not realize how stupid and crazy this was until recently when he became irate about borrowing $90 from me for whatever and having to give $170 back...(I really needed the extra money for me and the kids, so I asked for $80 to help with my bills NEVER AGAIN). He was staying overnight and using my TV and fan along with the AC on until the wee hours (a valid reason), but I had stopped allowing him to stay over night again since he took his TV back anyway.
Well, last week after 4 days of what I believe to be black tar heroine powder cut with Benadryl binge(he was buying lots of benadryl) and no communication, he came over to my house acting all hyper and glad to see me and my kids. When I responded angrily about the mood swings and avoident numb behavior, he got angry and loud and gathered all his electronics from my house and told me our relationship was finished. During his 4-day binge, I had visited. He appeared really numb and sedated, barely making any eye contact or responding to me...sitting at the computer playing spider solitaire...other times I called his mother said he was sleeping.
Cutting to the chase...Although we still love each other deeply, I read the sticky about detachment and it seems that my better option might be to leave. His mother and sister seem to always side with him and agree with him that I am overly insecure and jealous and they buy beer and gas for him also. Its so bad now they wont answer the phone when I call, and when I come over they ignore me, a marked difference from when I first came back to this small town in 2002.
Anyway, for now I am thinking maybe I should I just detach with no communication for at least 3 months then let it fizzle if nothing changes, but I am tired. We both agree we love each other (he says it but I only thinks he loves me now because I have been there for him with money)...he says "I can't take the jealousy and accusations about me seeing other women or using anymore when I am always at home when u call." However, I cannot take his erratic mood swings and constant lies about calling or visiting anymore, especially when my kids expect him to come with candy or gum. My kids love him but don't realize the issues he has. When he is sober, he is so much fun and is a lot of fun, but I fear for him, his family and his job in the future, and I really dont see us having a real future with his drug and alcohol use.
Any feedback, constructive criticism or encouragement is appreciated.
Love, GG