Is this Classic Codependency?

Old 07-05-2007, 12:29 PM
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Is this Classic Codependency?

Hi all, have not posted for a while, been a member for about 4 years. My question is about my abf's family. Highschool sweethearts (class of 1980), we reunited after my divorce in 2002 from a bad marriage. He was never married, but I allowed myself too quickly to fall back in love with him and did not realize the whole picture until I was knee-deep in this stuff. I also realize I did not give myself time to heal from the bad marriage and I brought "trust issues" to this relationship. Please read the facts below and tell me if you believe this is classic codepency in his family as well as my part:

He is 45 and lives with his semi-disabled mother 67 who is Xanax and Ambien dependent (no offense to anyone here who has to take these medications) and lives off her dead husband's surviving spouses benefits and social security.

His sister is 37, bipolar,and also lives with mother with her 2 kids (girl) age 7 and (boy) 13. His brother (who would have been 46) also lived at home, has since died from a crack overdose that happened at home last summer (my abf discovered him dead in the bathroom). The brother was getting a disability check that he had to share with their mother.

My abf holds a county job full-time and I suspect from since we had been together that he recreationally used crack, marijuana, cocaine powder and the latest DOC cheese heroin with Benadry (binging mostly on weekends after a pay day).

My question about the codependency is that he has to give his mom much of his check to help pay bills until her checks come, and she may pay him back in beer or gas. He also borrows off and gives money to his sister and they pay each other back. He will do this before giving any money voluntarily to me.

His mother blames much of her childrens dysfunction on her alcoholic husband (died from cancer) not fully help her to train them about responsibility. So she encourages them that its okay that they can not balance a check book. (can u believe this?) Also, it seems when his mom thinks he is giving me any money, she ups the amount of money he is to give her from his paycheck.

I have also been in the picture (until I recently cut things off) of letting him borrow from me between his paydays and give me the money back (with interest) when he gets paid. I did not realize how stupid and crazy this was until recently when he became irate about borrowing $90 from me for whatever and having to give $170 back...(I really needed the extra money for me and the kids, so I asked for $80 to help with my bills NEVER AGAIN). He was staying overnight and using my TV and fan along with the AC on until the wee hours (a valid reason), but I had stopped allowing him to stay over night again since he took his TV back anyway.

Well, last week after 4 days of what I believe to be black tar heroine powder cut with Benadryl binge(he was buying lots of benadryl) and no communication, he came over to my house acting all hyper and glad to see me and my kids. When I responded angrily about the mood swings and avoident numb behavior, he got angry and loud and gathered all his electronics from my house and told me our relationship was finished. During his 4-day binge, I had visited. He appeared really numb and sedated, barely making any eye contact or responding to me...sitting at the computer playing spider solitaire...other times I called his mother said he was sleeping.

Cutting to the chase...Although we still love each other deeply, I read the sticky about detachment and it seems that my better option might be to leave. His mother and sister seem to always side with him and agree with him that I am overly insecure and jealous and they buy beer and gas for him also. Its so bad now they wont answer the phone when I call, and when I come over they ignore me, a marked difference from when I first came back to this small town in 2002.

Anyway, for now I am thinking maybe I should I just detach with no communication for at least 3 months then let it fizzle if nothing changes, but I am tired. We both agree we love each other (he says it but I only thinks he loves me now because I have been there for him with money)...he says "I can't take the jealousy and accusations about me seeing other women or using anymore when I am always at home when u call." However, I cannot take his erratic mood swings and constant lies about calling or visiting anymore, especially when my kids expect him to come with candy or gum. My kids love him but don't realize the issues he has. When he is sober, he is so much fun and is a lot of fun, but I fear for him, his family and his job in the future, and I really dont see us having a real future with his drug and alcohol use.

Any feedback, constructive criticism or encouragement is appreciated.

Love, GG
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Old 07-05-2007, 12:44 PM
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If you think you want to have a few months away from the "drama" of his life - then maybe you should take those few months - During those months away, I would suggest taking the time to concentrate on you. What is good, healthy and right for you and your life. Take time to heal about all the things you have been thru -

The saying is very true -
"Nothing changes if Nothing Changes"

You can decide what is right for you and what exactly you want for your life, and how you want to be treated by someone in a relationship.

Sometimes taking a step back can give you a clearer picture if this is the right situation for you or not - Only you can make that decision.

Whatever that may be, praying you find serenity & joy,
Rita
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Old 07-05-2007, 12:56 PM
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Sometimes love is not enough to keep you staying in a situation that is not healthy for you. I think your thinking of detaching and having no contact for several months would do you a world of good, it may not feel like that at first but in the long run you'll be able to step back and view this situation from a different view. Sometimes when we are such a big part of the picture it's hard for us to fully see what is really going on.
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Old 07-05-2007, 12:56 PM
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I think its possible not to heal from the bad marriage and bring issues into the next releationship. (Trust, etc.) But you went from a bad marriage, not to a normal relationship ... but to one with an addict. And even if you had healed from the bad marriage there are going to be all kind of issues come up with a relationship with an
addict. Lying, stealing, not paying bills, etc. is just what addicts do. Be sure to read the "What addicts Do" sticky at the top of the page. Look within and base your decisions on your happiness and what you want/deserve. Praying everything works out for you.
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Old 07-05-2007, 12:56 PM
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Tell us again why he is back in your life???????? Because the 1st time it didn't make sense.
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Old 07-05-2007, 03:44 PM
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wow, i would run like heck.surely u know you can do better than him.u may think you love him but give it a yr. or two & i bet you want.this is your choice but read around on this forum & all the sticky. i have never told anyone to run but honey that whole family has issues.how could any body be happy in that family?your choice,your decision.i just know you can do better & you deserve better.i will say a big prayer for you & his family.hugs,
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Old 07-05-2007, 03:58 PM
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Hi,

I am hesitant to tell anyone what to do; your choice. But if it were me, I would run and never look back. Like hope said above, the whole family has issues; it's no wonder he's a mess. That said, though, just because his family is messed up is not reason enough for you to throw your life away trying to 'help' him.

I'm sure you can do better, and kids don't need to be around addiction. Just ask mine.....

I don't know what 'cheese herion with Benedryl' would do to a person but I bet it's not pretty....
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Old 07-05-2007, 04:01 PM
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I am curious just what the attraction is there? Because he is "fun" sometimes? Even if he didn't have the severe addiction problems that he OBVIOUSLY has, that crazy family would be enough to make me run for the hills.
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Old 07-05-2007, 07:58 PM
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Thank you

Wow, thank you all for your complete honesty and advice about this. I will take time to recover from the addiction to my abf. He is a loving, kind person when he is not using, but I often wonder why he was present in my life?

He has dealt with so much more than what was in my first post. He conceived a child with a one night stand the spring before our graduation in 1980. The mother did not tell him until July 1980 after I had given my virginity to him. Of course, we both broke things off immediately but was still in love with him though heartbroken. We kept vaguely in touch over the phone during the holidays but drifted completely apart. After working out of state for a while he returned in 1995 to our town and during what he says was "a drunken episode", impregnated the first child's mother again. This second child is 12 and autistic.

Because he did not love her and refused to marry her, he says it lead to her confessing the first child (now 26) was not his. This hurt him because he worked part-time during college and physically handed the mother money for the child who was in custody with his parents most of the time. He had failed to keep receipts or anything, and she sued him in 1996 for the child that she said was not his (at which time his father had cancer and died)..and won a judgment for 15 years back pay, along with the autistic child's support. The judge did not order a pat test because his mom says "he had signed the birth certificate as a teen father". He says he knows for sure the second child was his (but still did not get a pat test..the reason why is beyond me). Because of his anger towards the mother, he refuses to see the autistic child except only every Christmas at his house. He also is dealing with his 26 year old being gay. Talk about issues??

He says he has been in rehab once for painkillers after his father died but I have reason to think otherwise because he lost a good job behind it I believe. He says apparently they did not let him come back to work after he injured himself and after the rehab where he did not finish the course of treatment (which may be the reason).

At any rate...thanks again for all of your love and advice. I will take some if not all of this advice and focus on my healing and caring for my children. It is taking all I have to not call or e-mail him now. I love him that much. Sometimes I wonder if I am really okay in my psyche, if I am just nuts over this addict.....because I have hoped so much that he would get well and we would live and grow old and happy together...wishful thinking?

Thanks again to you all.

Love,
GG
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Old 07-05-2007, 08:11 PM
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WOW! Let's just say, he appears to have some issues.....maybe you should consider his break-up from you in high school as Divine intervention!? JMHO

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