What a Difference a Yearmakes!
I'm so grateful for all the advice and information I've gotten here at SR, down on my knees thanking my HP, and overjoyed at the changes in ME that have taken place.
After AH left in April, for the longest time I was overwhelmed with guilt at having failed, and spent too much time beating myself up with "if onlys".
Then I began looking back with rose colored glasses, remembering all the 'good times" we had together and having myself a pity party.
Next came the anger, when I did nothing but plot nasty things to say and do to AH, and did nothing but think about what a jerk he is, while still having the guilt AND the pity party. Talk about miserable!
I've posted before about how I've closed that chapter in my life. It really hit home last night.
My daughter was very upset because, for the first time since she was a baby, we missed the parade and fireworks near our old house. It was an annual event to set up our chairs the night before the parade, go to the neighbors cookout before the fireworks, and all sorts of other fun memories for the kids.
I started to get nostalgic myself, and was on the brink of feeling good and sorry for myself, when suddenly I remembered last years parade. AH came home from work 3 sheets to the wind, and brought beer to the parade "hidden" in a can cooler, of course. He brought a squirt gun to shoot people in the parade with (sort of a goofy thing people do),but made such an ass of himself with it, he nearly got in a fist fight with another guy nearby who had had it with AH's drunken nonsense. I spent the whole parade feeling embarrassed and scared to death he'd cause trouble in front of the kids. (who, by the way, kept telling AH he was acting like a jerk, too) I went from feeling down to feeling joy as soon as I let myself deal with the truth of life with AH. And I felt sorry for his loss ~ what a waste of his life.
The best part of this long story is, when I started dealing in the reality of life with AH, I didn't get mad, or bitter or anything but relieved. I went from feeling down to feeling overjoyed. Thats a big step for me.
So, if anyone out there is going through a similar situation to what I am, there is hope! Concentrate on your HP, on yourself, and on positive changes. I still have moments, but they are becoming shorter and less frequent.
If I can come this far, anyone can!!!