What a Difference a Yearmakes!

Old 07-04-2007, 03:37 AM
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What a Difference a Yearmakes!

I'm so grateful for all the advice and information I've gotten here at SR, down on my knees thanking my HP, and overjoyed at the changes in ME that have taken place.
After AH left in April, for the longest time I was overwhelmed with guilt at having failed, and spent too much time beating myself up with "if onlys".
Then I began looking back with rose colored glasses, remembering all the 'good times" we had together and having myself a pity party.
Next came the anger, when I did nothing but plot nasty things to say and do to AH, and did nothing but think about what a jerk he is, while still having the guilt AND the pity party. Talk about miserable!
I've posted before about how I've closed that chapter in my life. It really hit home last night.
My daughter was very upset because, for the first time since she was a baby, we missed the parade and fireworks near our old house. It was an annual event to set up our chairs the night before the parade, go to the neighbors cookout before the fireworks, and all sorts of other fun memories for the kids.
I started to get nostalgic myself, and was on the brink of feeling good and sorry for myself, when suddenly I remembered last years parade. AH came home from work 3 sheets to the wind, and brought beer to the parade "hidden" in a can cooler, of course. He brought a squirt gun to shoot people in the parade with (sort of a goofy thing people do),but made such an ass of himself with it, he nearly got in a fist fight with another guy nearby who had had it with AH's drunken nonsense. I spent the whole parade feeling embarrassed and scared to death he'd cause trouble in front of the kids. (who, by the way, kept telling AH he was acting like a jerk, too) I went from feeling down to feeling joy as soon as I let myself deal with the truth of life with AH. And I felt sorry for his loss ~ what a waste of his life.
The best part of this long story is, when I started dealing in the reality of life with AH, I didn't get mad, or bitter or anything but relieved. I went from feeling down to feeling overjoyed. Thats a big step for me.
So, if anyone out there is going through a similar situation to what I am, there is hope! Concentrate on your HP, on yourself, and on positive changes. I still have moments, but they are becoming shorter and less frequent.
If I can come this far, anyone can!!!
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Old 07-04-2007, 04:25 AM
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Gunea...thats an awesome story...you have come a long way baby.....want to hear a good one?

Like you I have spent 2 years today.......beating myself up...going through all the emotions that the healing process delivers to us - wanting so bad for my XAH to feel remorse, shame, guilt for what he's done to us, and our family....and he hasn't and probaby never will. BUT yesterday I heard a good story about him and his hooch ... now keep in mind he left the kids and I for her (alcoholic, meth bi-polar)....it seems that the church that they go to is about to give them the boot....the small town that they live in (16 miles from me) has had enough of their drunken escapades in the carryout stores in the town and being the huge party house in town...she actually called the pastor the last several weeks at 2 in the morning saying to him that she wants a divorce and can't believe that she married this alcohilic drug user man and even added him to her deed !!!! LOL LOL LOL well ....well...well and can we all say: KARMA..... the pastor has had enough as well as the town people...this was so good to hear because all I kept thinking was how he left me and now has a newer home, more land, party girl...ect....You guys know how we beat ourselves up with the unknown....the woman who told me this is the same woman who saw the two of them in the carryout 2 weeks ago drunk and falling down...literally. My ex won't even look at my friend because he knows she's my appraiser that I use for my loans....and he knows she "knows" his shame. And she goes to that church that they go to....

I know alot of you will be telling me that I shouldn't listen to any of this crap but you guys.....I'm sorry I loved it....I can't help it...just when we feel so sorry for ourselves that we just want to run away from all the memories and the what if's....the man upstairs send us just a little view into their "new" life....and guess what? It ain't purty.....lol Now I am a firm believer that God protects children and drunks.....but hunny cheaters never win.....and thats the way it should be....

Take care Guinea....

Janitw
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