jillybean

I haven't left yet, but my plans are to go.

ABF went into detox for the first time in his life when he became involved with me. He refuses any programs as they are "cults" in his mind and will not become a "Bible thumping, chain smoking, coffee addict who has to preach to the world his wisdom on one knee to the world."

In the two years I have been with him, he has also abused me in every category and tells me he does so because I matter more than anyone else in the world to him.

I am suggesting that we attend counseling together as a last assurance to me that I am doing what is best for me. I also go to a counselor just for me. I don't see how he can change.. he lacks character and skills to do that, but I am making sure because it will help me fully let go when the time comes.

I have detached so much from all the good things I felt in the beginning because they have been replaced by so much bad and damage to me. I didn't know about the disease as up close and personal before him so I got a crash course.

He has regained his health but his mind is forever affected by over 30 years of alcohol and drug abuse (that part was before knowing me.) I can see no hope because any "healthy changes" he has made has (he quit smoking too because it makes me ill but it was a huge struggle for him to understand it was a neccesity not control on my part), come after fights to the death of parts of me and I have no faith that they are real or would last. His lying and sneaking behind my back when he doesn't agree with me to do as he pleases has taken my ability to trust him out of the picture.

Words roll off his tongue easily but his actions speak another language entirely.

I hope he can really make and keep beneficial changes for his life for his sake. As of right now, I can't see myself staying with him for the rest of my life. I am working on safely leaving so he can't find or contact me as he has vowed to never let me go, ever, no matter what I do.

I have worked too hard on my issues all my life to let the final word about me be his influence on my life. His life is up to him. He's on his ninth life with me and I doubt he will ever own that no matter how much time goes by.

I know that it is not the person he is with that is the problem, he would do the same to any woman. He can't appreciate and nurture hmself let alone another person. It's sad but it's reality.

I applaude all who have gotten the courage to do what is in their higher good and pray that everyone who is facing the same questions will find their strength to do the same for themselves.