hk, i have had many nights just like the one you are having now. i've worried myself into migraines thinking my ah was dead in a ditch somewhere and what a terrible person i must be for not DOING something about it. Truth is, there is NOTHING you can do. he may or may not be ok, if god forbid he is not, then to put it bluntly - he did it to himself. even if you could go and find him, and he was actively using when you did, you KNOW he won't stop just cuz you're there to tell him to stop. the reality is that bad things do sometimes happen to addicts and we are POWERLESS to stop them. You need to let go and let god. You need to say the serenity prayer as many times as you can. And if it helps at all, my ah is still alive and kicking after 17 yrs of using crack and has always been able to take care of himself while he was out using - they are pretty resourceful when they need to be. Time to think positively and put the focus back on you. Keeping you in my prayers always. Stay strong. ((HUGS))