kitkat

Well, after having a bad counseling session on Wednesday and having my AH going back and forth on whether or not he wants to stay with me, I completely lost it last night. I came home to my kids fighting and nothing done. I ended up keeping them both home from soccer practice and just went to my room.

My AH called to see if I had dropped off my son yet and I told him no. He asked why and I told him that I had lost it. He came home an hour later and we talked.

I told him I can't take this anymore. I can't take him going back and forth and being wishy washy. I told him we have at least 10 issues (some his, some mine and some both of ours) that need to be worked on, but I can't do them all at once. The only thing I can do to keep my sanity is take care of my self. I can't take the pressure from him any longer. I probably shouldn't have said this, but I told him I don't trust him. He isn't showing me he wants to make this work just by stopping drinking. He needs to get help for himself - whatever that may be. I also explained to him that I've dealt with the alcohol as long as he has, the only difference is he's been able to numb the pain with the alcohol while I have to live with the pain with no numbing sensation at all. I told him I've been trying for 5 years to keep this marriage together and I'm exhausted. I need time for myself and the children. They don't deserve to have this happening to them.

He took it all pretty well. He didn't get upset at all. I am moving into our spare bedroom and am going to share the other bathroom with the kids. He's agreed to just leave me be. He understands that the marriage may just be over and he needs to focus on himself. He understands that if we do stay together that the marriage can never be the same.

We're going to take it one month at a time with April being the final deadline. If things haven't worked out by then, then we'll go our separate ways. Until then, we'll still go to counseling and take a look at how we are doing each month. We're going to work on getting the house put together (painting done, grouting, etc...).

I don't know what will happen. I'm just leaving it up to my HP right now. But at least I have some peace and space to work on me. I'm going to put a TV and VCR in my new room and make it my little haven - some place where I can get away from everyone and just be me. My kids can come and spend quiet time in there with me as well.

Thanks for all your support guys!! It really has meant a lot to me to have this forum to go to every day.

Kitkat