Grouchothecat,
Thank you for your reply. Please bear with me as I try to understand your experience better. At the end of your reply you wrote:
I can tell from your words that you love your brother deeply. Replying to this thread and especially to your post is painful for me. I am reaching deep inside and poking at some slimy crap that I don’t even want to acknowledge is there. Just writing this to you is slightly awakening the beast within and remembering what it is like to breathe oxygen causes my body to want more. Yes, right now I can feel the craving. I won’t give in today though. I’ll be OK.
This whole forum of SR is really opening my eyes to the pain and suffering of those who love us.
And there is pain…..
The last thing I want to do is cause you or anyone else pain. I believe, perhaps naively, that the truth can set us all free, because only by knowing the truth can we be effective in living our lives in ways that work..to produce happiness. That doesn’t mean liking the bad stuff, but acknowledging that it exists and that it is to be guarded against in order to get the good stuff. At least, that’s what makes sense to me.
I don’t really remember a rush or excitement. I don’t think I was any more or less depressed, agitated or sad than anyone else around me. I drank because it made me feel good. Good, wonderful, whole, human. How did it make me feel? Impossible to describe the taste of milk to someone who has never tasted it.
I wish I understood. Did it give you energy? Did you talk faster, think quicker? Did it make you feel powerful? More sexual? Smarter? Less shy? Etc.? My impression is that most people may not feel wonderful most of the time, but they do feel whole and human, so I’d like to know what you mean to imply that you didn’t feel whole or human when you didn’t drink. If you prefer to not answer any of this, please know that I understand and respect your privacy.
I could be a bit crude and ask you to give up having bowel movements for a while. Or hey, I think that your major problem is fluids. Stop drinking fluids you ninny! No water, no juice, no nothing. What’s wrong with you anyway?! The next time you have an intestinal bug try to control your diarrhea with willpower.
Try to imagine if you can how it might feel to breathe oxygen for the first time.
Sounds like sobriety at this point was awful. Was this feeling of involuntary craving or need present from the beginning? Or only after you had been drinking for some time?
Oh God, how I tried to stop. You can never know how much I tried. It is quite impossible for you to understand how much willpower an alcoholic or addict exerts trying to control their disease. We try and try and try, we hurt those who love us and can’t stop, we hate ourselves because we can’t stop.
I believe you tried. Your pain comes through. Did you always try on your own or did you allow others to help? Was there are belief that no one else could help you? How did you feel about so-called ‘experts’ in addiction treatment? How did you feel about others who had successfully overcome their addiction? I ask this because I have the mindset that others CAN understand and CAN help and that I was born into this world as ignorant as everyone else, and while I’ve learned some things, I know that others are out there who know a lot me than I do. That’s why I’m curious when I hear others talk about trying to fight very difficult demons all on their own..
Got Married, didn’t stop. Got divorced, didn’t stop. Got DWI, didn’t stop. Nearly got kicked out of military, didn’t stop. Failed at college, didn’t stop. Got another DWI, didn’t stop. Went to jail, didn’t stop. I could go on and it did get worse…
But, something made you stop, right? What was it, and why do you think it is successful for you?
The only time I did not drink or think about drinking was when I was asleep.
Have you found successful strategies to reduce or stop cravings since becoming sober? If so, what have you found that works well for you?
Originally Posted by me--thoughts on why addiction occurs
1. Deep seated beliefs which produce unhappiness/pain, which the drugs relieve. For as long as the beliefs continue the drug maintains an allure. These beliefs are primarily about one's inability to achieve a state or condition in life they find critical to their happiness.
People from all walks of life, all socio-economic strata’s of society, the rich, the poor, the happy, the sad. Come on, the above is naïve.
I am naïve. You are right. And I’ve read that alcoholism doesn’t discriminate, but I’ve also read that a greater pctg of alcoholics come from the lower class than upper class, and have pre-existing depression, so it seems that environment and psychological factors may have an important role for some people.. I’ve also read that people with friends, intimate relationships, families, stable home and community lives, with jobs and work skills, with education, and who are healthy do not become addicted at the same rate as those without these things in their lives. My take is that all of those things are components of what makes us happy--they are the deeper parts of what fulfills us as they go way beyond a ‘do whatever feels good’ philosophy.
I believe genetics are the underlying cause of most if not all alcoholism but certainly not because the genetics create a particular state of mind. My liver does not process alcohol the same way your liver does. This is proven scientific fact. (assuming you are not an alcoholic).
If a person’s metabolism enables them to drink larger amounts with less negative effects, that would be a positive reinforcer. Why do you not think the genetic differences in our brains could account for how one person experiences drugs differently than another? To date though, genetics have been shown to be linked in a minority pctg of alcoholics..80% of sons who have alcoholic parents are not alcoholics themselves.
The wonderful, wonderful woman in my life always wanted to know why. WHY did you start drinking again? WHY? PLEASE just tell me WHY?
I truly did not know. I had no idea whatsoever. None.
I hated that question more than anything in the world.
I’m sorry. I was raised to believe that our actions are done for reasons, even if we don’t consciously know what those reasons are. Maybe no one really knows. My brother says he drinks because he feels more calm when he drinks…but I know there has to be more to it than that. Maybe he doesn’t know either. I don’t….but it seems that if one knows why they behave a certain way they have a better chance of not repeating it. It’s not a requirement though--as long as a person knows they are better off without it, that should be enough. I’m just thinking out loud a bit here..
Thanks again for your reply. I really want to understand and am grateful to you for writing.
ted