Originally Posted by
Spritual Seeker 
I don't know how it is to be an addict. What thoughts do you have about yourself when you know you are one.
I'm an alcoholic. I've used other drugs compulsively also, and it was a problem when I ran out. But I grew away from them. Alcohol is definitely my drug of choice. I've been drinking alcoholically for almost ten years now. And it only gets worse.
In answer to your question SS, these are my thoughts about myself when I'm in the middle of a drinking binge(which, let's face it, is 95% of the time)
- A big part of me doesn't give a sh*t about myself
- A big part of me feels guilty that I may have been a bad experience for other people, friends, ex-boyfriends, ex-friends, ex work colleagues, etc
- A part of me would really like to quit. Some part of my psychology makes it difficult to volunteer for help. Admitting to family would mean that I'm dumping my stuff on them. They would like me to admit it, but I don't want to be a burden. If I was ever to quit, it would be better for me to talk with complete strangers, preferably
recovered alcoholics. I firmly believe that unless a person has been there and lived through it, they don't know what they're talking about.
- I regret the wasted time, money etc.
- I am afraid of the future(when hungover to the point of not being physically able to drink) usually when it occurs to me that if my parents became ill I would be helpless...
- I know that I am better than this.
- I blame the past.
- I get annoyed with myself for blaming the past. I blame myself.
Originally Posted by
Spritual Seeker What do you tell yourself to justify your actions.
So many things. :-/
I am naturally quite a logical person. Couple that with a vivid imagination.
When in a job I used every excuse and rationale under the sun for not showing up till lunch time, or not showing up at all for a day or several days, to the point that it became ridiculous. (I haven't worked in five months now. But that's a whole other story..)
In the end you don't care what people think. It almost becomes a game. You know that people are going to talk, but you don't care.
I guess I'm kinda like that anyway, personality-wise - I don't care really if people don't like me etc.
My alcoholism feeds off that aspect of myself.
And it feeds off the other traits that I naturally have, such as procrastination, rebelliousness etc etc.