What thoughts do you have about yourself when you know you are one. What do you tell yourself to justify your actions. What does it feel like to see the pain in your mother's eyes?
First of all, I'm assuming your questions are concerning the thoughts (or mindset) of an addict that is still using or in "active addiction" and is fully aware that they are one (an addict). I think what needs to be understood is that there is very much more that happens before that point is reached.
In the beginning, using is fun. Getting high is often a means for obtaining acceptance from our peers. We just want to fit in - usually with the wrong crowd. ("Everybody's doing it!") Sometimes it happens as a result of experimentation and we end up liking the sense of euphoria, relaxation and escape the high provides. That's when the problem starts because once we enjoy the result, we do it more and more often. It become a habit, a ritual... a part of our everyday existence. What we think about ourselves at this point is that we're just having fun and enjoying being young. We think we're
"normal." Being normal requires no justification or explanation.
As our addiction progresses and we begin to experience consequences of our using, most of us fail to see our part in our problems.
Denial doesn't allow it. We may even ask ourselves, "Could it be the drugs?" But, more times than not, we'll find something else to blame our problems on. I blamed my friends, my teachers, my co-workers, my upbringing (including my mother). I couldn't accept being an addict and refused to see myself as equal to the preconceived image of what an addict was (or is). Society paints such an ugly picture of the addict, and we buy into that. So if we don't remotely resemble that picture, we stay in denial. It's easier. My thoughts during this period was that everybody is trying to control my life.
Why don't they just leave me alone???!!!??? By the time I know I have a problem it almost too late to feel for anyone else. I'm caught in the grip of my addiction and my primary concern is to feed my obsession. The thoughts I have for myself at this point are a mixture of depression, hopelessness, helplessness, fear, self-pity, shame, guilt, anger and resenment. There is no need to justify my actions because I'm out of control...I can't stop if I wanted to. I could even look in my mother's eyes at the end of my road... too ashamed. And when I did, all I could see was hurt and fear. Her pain caused me more pain and the only way to escape was to use again. Her fear caused me to run. I wanted to die but didn't have the balls to kill myself. I used to forget my pain and the pain I caused to others. In the end, I lost the ability to feel.
Many days and nights I would think,
"Momma I'm so sorry. Momma I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I'm sick and I just don't know what to do. If I could make things better...I would....but I can't!!"
It was only when the pain of living addicted became so great that I became willing to accept the help offered. It was only after I exhausted every attempt to control my addiction that I became willing to surrender. Through pain I became obedient and humbled. With almost 9 years clean, I realize that the scars caused by my self-centered actions and beliefs may never go away. Yet, I'm grateful that the wounds aren't open and are healing. As I recover, my family and friends recover too. I'm living proof (and many others) that recovery is possible and as long as the spark of life exists, there's hope.
Be blessed,
GarryW