Welcome jnn3
So sorry to hear about your situation. I was married for over 30 years to an alcoholic, most of which he was very functional, handled nearly all his own needs and worked long hours. He eventually went to AA for 2 years when he finally admitted he was an alcoholic after years of misery and frustration .. but he relapsed about 4 years ago and progressed downward rapidly. When he started drinking again, I told him he couldn't live at home (this was not the first time we had lived apart) ... especially since our sons were still living at home and we could not tolerate living with his insanity. For a wide variety of reasons, it was better for us just to live apart and not divorce...and this turned out to be the best solution for us under the circumstances.
About 3 years ago, my husband suddenly developed debilitating pain and could no longer work. We owned 2 businesses together, so I had to take over his job responsibilities on top of mine... which meant working very long hours. These were unbelievably stressful years with working long hours, raising our sons by myself and dealing with his extreme anger and bizarre unpredictable behavior and ongoing health issues .. as well as coping with all the extraordinary financial problems resulting from this. At first my husband was just in extreme unbearable pain, and then he developed vision and other alcohol related health problems ... including significant memory problems and confusion. He could no longer function completely on his own about 2 years ago so for the first time, it was necessary that I take him to all his doctor's appointments and keep track to his medicines ...etc. He had trouble comprehending what was going on and his vision was too poor to fill out forms and drive the distance necessary to go to appointments. I knew at this time, if I wasn't around to assist him, his health and follow up care would be a disaster ... if he hadn't gotten all his vision tests that took weeks of appointments and tests to diagnose ... he would have gone completely blind. Since we were still married, I was able to sign forms and communicate with his doctors. However, I did not do anymore than was absolutely necessary and he still handled most of his basic needs.
We had been married for so long and had shared so much, I made a commitment I would not abandon him due to his serious health problems and inability to take care of himself. There was no one else around that could help him. Late last fall, due to extreme fluid retention of over 60 lbs, we found out he had also developed serious late stage liver disease. He went on diuretics and was scheduled for more tests, when he passed away suddenly while in jail for his first DUI in January ... though no specific reason was given to explain his sudden death, it was most likely related to his serious alcohol induced health problems and possibly withdrawal effects on a very weak, frail body. I am still following up on all the details.
Under these circumstances, I am glad I was there for him in the end. Our lives were closely intertwined because of our business, our home and our kids. I also wanted his sons to know that underneath all the self destructive alcoholic insanity, there was still a real human being that had worked hard to support and care for them when they were younger ...and deserved to be treated with a certain amount of dignity at the end of his life. We continued to live separately during his illnesses as that was the only way I could survive this situation since he continued to drink. It wasn't a perfect solution but it was the best one under these very complicated circumstances. I am very much at peace with myself and my choices. This may not be something that would work for someone else .... but it was the best choice for us. I continue to adjust to no longer having him in my life after so many years ... and work hard at letting his sons get to know stories about the man he used to be before alcohol destroyed him. Our sons seem to be adjusting well and have turned into very fine young men ... with my oldest having just finished his freshmen year at college with a 4.0 grade average in spite of everything that happened this year. We are still grieving ... but life is much calmer, secure and more settled now that alcoholism is no longer a part of our existence, I am able to work far fewer hours now and spend more time doing other things I haven't been able to do in years .. and enjoying my home and kids. ... and we are still living in the home my kids grew up in that is filled with so many memories.