should have

Old 05-22-2007, 07:24 PM
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should have

First time poster...you all are cheaper than a shrink! Need advice. Been married to a long time alcoholic who also used recreational drugs. Many arguements, but I stuck around (shoulda, woulda, coulda...). About 10 years ago he got cancer, and if things wern't bad enough, things have gone downhill since then. He has had many types of operations, one bad thing after another, and is uninsurable. He is now addicted to vicodin and other stuff, doctor shops, and the whole sad story. He had a good job for 30 years, but since 2002 has gone through a series of short lived,(FIRED) low paying jobs, and has lost his barely paying gas money job recently. We've been through rehab (court appointed), 3 dwi's, job loss, and briefly al-anon.and coda for me. He is worse now than ever, and will not go to aa. I wasn;t impressed with alanon or coda. His mantra is "you knew I drank when you married me" Of course I know I have enabled, but feel trapped because he'll never get insurance again, and he's gone through at least $350,000 worth of operations and Dr.'s appointment this year alone. We get insurance through my job. I once cared for him, and if I divorce him it is a death sentence for him (wouldn't put suicide past him either). He was actually detoxed in Feb., due to a diffficult operation and extended hospital stay, made much longer because of the drugs and alcohol effects. As soon as he was home and able he went back to booze, drugs and did I mention smokes, after I begged him once again to go to aa. And trust me, me going to alanon does not encourage him to go to aa.
Another reason (totally selfish) I haven't left is if I divorce him he will get half of the assets, which will be used up in drink and drugs. We have a lot of assets, and at 53 I'm not sure I want to give them up. I am not from a family that drank or smoked, and I was attracted to the rebel in him many years ago. He is not functional, I'm misrable, but he won't leave. Since posession is 9/10 of the law, I'm reluctant to leave the house. He is still in much pain from recent operations and severe arthritis, and unemployable due to drugs and physical issues. Any ideas out there?
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Old 05-22-2007, 08:15 PM
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Welcome to SR

I am sure that many will be along with opinions and thoughts and even some advice that may be helpful.
For now I would say...Look for the sticky posts at the top of the forums as a place to start reading and gathering some info.
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Old 05-22-2007, 08:23 PM
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Is he considered disabled? Could it be the Cancer made him just throw the towel in? It sounds as if he is a very sick man..He should be in counseling as he sounds as if he has severe depression,He is using the Alcohol to mask his pain and to save him from dealing with mortality. (which he certainly must think about often) You must be feeling very low yourself dealing with all this on a daily basis.I hope someone who lives with another who is disabled will be able to help you here.
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Old 05-22-2007, 08:44 PM
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Take care of yourself. Get out a much as you can, be active in the things you love to do. Protect your assests as much as possible, consult an attorney.

It sounds like he has decided what he wants to do, but this is his choice.......and as bad as it sounds, time may solve your problem.
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Old 05-22-2007, 09:14 PM
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Welcome, jnn3.
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Old 05-23-2007, 02:50 AM
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Welcome jnn3

So sorry to hear about your situation. I was married for over 30 years to an alcoholic, most of which he was very functional, handled nearly all his own needs and worked long hours. He eventually went to AA for 2 years when he finally admitted he was an alcoholic after years of misery and frustration .. but he relapsed about 4 years ago and progressed downward rapidly. When he started drinking again, I told him he couldn't live at home (this was not the first time we had lived apart) ... especially since our sons were still living at home and we could not tolerate living with his insanity. For a wide variety of reasons, it was better for us just to live apart and not divorce...and this turned out to be the best solution for us under the circumstances.

About 3 years ago, my husband suddenly developed debilitating pain and could no longer work. We owned 2 businesses together, so I had to take over his job responsibilities on top of mine... which meant working very long hours. These were unbelievably stressful years with working long hours, raising our sons by myself and dealing with his extreme anger and bizarre unpredictable behavior and ongoing health issues .. as well as coping with all the extraordinary financial problems resulting from this. At first my husband was just in extreme unbearable pain, and then he developed vision and other alcohol related health problems ... including significant memory problems and confusion. He could no longer function completely on his own about 2 years ago so for the first time, it was necessary that I take him to all his doctor's appointments and keep track to his medicines ...etc. He had trouble comprehending what was going on and his vision was too poor to fill out forms and drive the distance necessary to go to appointments. I knew at this time, if I wasn't around to assist him, his health and follow up care would be a disaster ... if he hadn't gotten all his vision tests that took weeks of appointments and tests to diagnose ... he would have gone completely blind. Since we were still married, I was able to sign forms and communicate with his doctors. However, I did not do anymore than was absolutely necessary and he still handled most of his basic needs.

We had been married for so long and had shared so much, I made a commitment I would not abandon him due to his serious health problems and inability to take care of himself. There was no one else around that could help him. Late last fall, due to extreme fluid retention of over 60 lbs, we found out he had also developed serious late stage liver disease. He went on diuretics and was scheduled for more tests, when he passed away suddenly while in jail for his first DUI in January ... though no specific reason was given to explain his sudden death, it was most likely related to his serious alcohol induced health problems and possibly withdrawal effects on a very weak, frail body. I am still following up on all the details.

Under these circumstances, I am glad I was there for him in the end. Our lives were closely intertwined because of our business, our home and our kids. I also wanted his sons to know that underneath all the self destructive alcoholic insanity, there was still a real human being that had worked hard to support and care for them when they were younger ...and deserved to be treated with a certain amount of dignity at the end of his life. We continued to live separately during his illnesses as that was the only way I could survive this situation since he continued to drink. It wasn't a perfect solution but it was the best one under these very complicated circumstances. I am very much at peace with myself and my choices. This may not be something that would work for someone else .... but it was the best choice for us. I continue to adjust to no longer having him in my life after so many years ... and work hard at letting his sons get to know stories about the man he used to be before alcohol destroyed him. Our sons seem to be adjusting well and have turned into very fine young men ... with my oldest having just finished his freshmen year at college with a 4.0 grade average in spite of everything that happened this year. We are still grieving ... but life is much calmer, secure and more settled now that alcoholism is no longer a part of our existence, I am able to work far fewer hours now and spend more time doing other things I haven't been able to do in years .. and enjoying my home and kids. ... and we are still living in the home my kids grew up in that is filled with so many memories.
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Old 05-23-2007, 04:06 AM
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Welcome to SR jnn3.

My next to the last ex (we were not married) developed a very serious heart condition 'just as I was ready to leave the relationship'. I chose to stand by his side at least until the prognosis was made. Then I would reevaluate.

Long story short, in the beginning, the cardiologist thought that he would need a heart transplant. Turns out, he didn't. He recovered enough with meds that he'll be on the rest of his life.

But even after the prognosis, and the deal I made with myself, I still struggled with whether to stay or go. Unfortunately, I initially tried to stay and things got very, very ugly. I think my spirit was rebelling for what was obviously the wrong choice I was making, for myself. I regret that, but I've learned.

I feel for you and your situation. I hope you find peace in whatever it is you decide to do. It may not come today, or tomorrow, but, believe that it will if you want it to.

Keep coming back.

Seeking Wisdom, Thank you for sharing. Your story has touched my heart, deeply!
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Old 05-23-2007, 04:23 AM
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Your going to al-anon isnt supposed to encourage him to go to AA.

Its supposed to encourage you to live a productive, happy, free life.

In other words...its all about YOU. Not him. AL-anon isnt for people who need it, its for people who want it. A better way to live, thats all. Hope, help, happiness. Choices, options...they are all ours. Hope you find some peace soon. Good luck.
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Old 05-23-2007, 05:51 AM
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is possession really 9/10 of the law? are both your names on the deed or just one? by the sounds of it he is going through your assests pretty quick even with you being there so i don't know that i would let that be a factor. at this point i would be talking to an attorney and doing whatever i could to protect my assests. it could be you could protect them better by divorcing.

seek and find your own happiness and serenity -that is all i can really say.
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Old 05-23-2007, 03:55 PM
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(((seeking wisdom))) I cried when I read your story. I admire you for your conviction and your boundries. How you managed it all God only knows. You did right by your husband and by your sons in a very trying time for you all.What greater gift could you ever ever give your sons than what you have done for their Father at the end of his life. That you will continue to remember him to the family as the man he used to be before his illness/alcoholism speaks volumes. You gave your sons and your husband the greates gift one can give,Love.
jnn3, You have to do what is right for you.Maybe some of the posts here will help you decide.
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Old 05-23-2007, 06:51 PM
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welcome Jnn3 - I don't have anything to add to what's already been said. You'll find understanding and honesty here
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Old 05-23-2007, 07:00 PM
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Hi Jnn3,,and Welcome,,,

I can related to SeekinWisdom's story. I too, was in a marriage that involved a debilitating disease. There were many times I said to myself, "I just want out away from this pain"

But one simple thought, made my decision for me.

Will I have a regret?

For me, to look back and regret a decision I made was too important when you were talking about someone else life.

I had to "give up" at lot. But in the end, I gained so much more. You see, the fact that I stayed made his life so much better, as short as it was, he lived more of it than I could ever hope too

And I came away with no regret.

Peace
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Old 05-23-2007, 07:42 PM
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It is Human Nature not to want to be surrounded by pain.Many familes have difficulty helping a disabled person living with them even if they are not alcoholics. It is a true judge of character that you can care for another person and sacrifice to do what is right for you. Regret is hindsight.Once they are gone it is forever. You both can look at yourselves and think''that was hard''
''how did I ever do it'' but you did the right thing for you and for him.
Think what kind of a world we would live in if everyone who had to care for someone difficult walked away because it was not''easy'' There are Mothers in this life who have severely disabled babies.Their lives are a nightmare still they have joy. Their are Middle aged Baby Boomers who are just getting ready to retire who end up with a sick elderly parent living with them. They also sacrifice much.
Sometimes it is harder to stay than to walk away.
Sometimes in certain situations you need to walk away.Please no one be insulted by this.
No one ever said life was easy. HHHhhhhmmmmm I wonder who ever first quoted that?
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Old 05-23-2007, 08:25 PM
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Thanks you all so much for your replies and advice. I cried when I read some of your stories, and I thought most would say leave now, I'm glad to see that there are some of you that made the decision to stay in a difficult situation. I think that I have decided to try another alanon group, and consult a lawyer about legal seperation even If I don't move out. I know I can't fix things, but am still very worried about his driving under the influence, which I'm sure he does when I am at work. He is at a very low point in his life. His mother went into the hospital today. What to do? Something's gotta give. Thanks again for your help!
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Old 05-23-2007, 08:29 PM
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There is nothing wrong with seeing a lawyer and getting everything in order to protect yourself. Maybe take his name off the insurance on the car?
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Old 05-23-2007, 08:58 PM
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Talk to a lawyer, they will give a bit of info free.
Perhaps some kind of legal seperation where your ins would still cover him.
get him to agree to sign over the house
Just thoughts.

I was late with this, but can never get them to cancell. Sorry
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