i just don't know whats going on with me, my ah, he says, has been an addict since 12 yrso. i didn't know, believe it or not, i never paid too much attention to the word addiction until i was addicted myself and introduced to the 12 program. i didn't undertand what it was until after i was married and even then i thought that it was my wifely duty to stick it out, not knowing that it was something that would last a life time. i didn't really began to understand my own addiction at first even though i was staying clean. i got into spirituality and kind of stopped going to so many meetings. i didn't get alanon so i didn't continue that, if i had, don't know how it would have effected me to day.
i could think that i'm mourning the relationship that i had but i don't really remember having one that was worth mourning. maybe it the fact that i feel like a failure in marriage for a second time and never wanted to grow old alone. looks like i've done that already though. i don't know whats wrong with me these days.
i know that if ah called a begged to come home, i'd have to pass on that, it just not something that i think would be a good thing to do. i completely feel like i don't know the man that i'm married to at all. the kids don't know their father at all. its so sad, i've never wanted my kids to grow up without their father like i had to but its happened anyway. maybe i was hangin on to what i wanted for my kids but at the same time, sacrificing what i wanted for me and the kids