Super insights TG.
What I've found in my own journey is that often times it's hard to see how we ended up where we are or how or why we chose the route we've taken. But somewhere along the way of our journey, the answers start coming. And when we see those - our true recovery can begin as we learn to not go there again as we continue to get to know ourselves better.
Surprisingly, for me, I thought "well, gee, it's no wonder I married my A and stayed in this lifestyle so long" when I started seeing the patterns that had repeated in odd but familiar ways from my upbringing. Now you are seeing the patterns as well and I can tell you that it's progress.
I'm very proud of you for seeking the answers.