Understanding something about me -- little long

Old 05-12-2007, 06:47 PM
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Understanding something about me -- little long

I always wonder how it is that I ended up with XAH. I was never around any As growing up. I'm sooooo not a fixer or a let-me-do-that-for-you kind of girl. I read examples of behavior like that in the first pages of Codependent No More, and it just didn't feel like a fit for me. It's bothered me, and I think about it a lot because only if I know how I got there can I prevent it from happening again. I might be figuring something out.

I think it comes down to control.

While there are a million different components that make up any given person, the two characteristics that I can fit most men into are 'in control' and either 'not in control' or somewhat average. When I meet a man who is average or so, things are nice enough, he's probably nice enough, and I can like him. I've met someone like that recently and am capable of liking him. He's just fine.

However, the relationships and situations that seem to be the most intense and with the most feelings on the line are with the controllers. It's not that they're "bad boys" per se, as most are not. They are the ones that swoop into my life and take me on the ride of their choosing. They are also the ones that I know in my head that I should not be talking to, but I can't stop it because, get this, I don't want to disappoint them. So I wait it out until I can't anymore (like XAH) or things just run their course. They make the decisions (simple things like where to eat dinner which eventually leads to more comlex things like with my X). They have all the control, and even though I act like they don't -- I buck the system and profess all day long that I am independent -- I am only "independent" in that setting with them. I need someone to run my life so that I can pretend I'm not letting them....yet I do. And I think the niceness that just oozes from my being is picked up by men who control, some of which who are As. I don't necessarily mean control me...that's partially it, but it's more about them controlling life, and they know that I will always look for the best in them, forgive everything, and always keep a smile.

I didn't have a need to fix XAH. I didn't pick him for his alcoholism. His drinking just got really annoying every night. I think what I needed from him was that he ran us. He would yell, and I would yell right back that he couldn't make me do anything, but afterwards I would.

Is this making sense? Sorry I'm rambling about it, but I needed to try to get these thoughts on "paper," and if any of you can offer any insight, I would like that too.

Last edited by TexasGirl; 05-12-2007 at 07:03 PM.
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Old 05-13-2007, 07:54 AM
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More rambling.....

Yes, I didn't pick an alcoholic. I picked someone who acted out the cycles I was used to, a controller who I swore I wouldn't listen to but actually obeyed. He happened to have a drinking problem. And I happened to fit into what he needed for the cycle of his alcoholism too.

Sorry.....lightbulbs here.

Thanks for reading, but I think my posting this is also good even if no one does because it's part of my 'online journal' of my journey.
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Old 05-13-2007, 08:07 AM
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Hey TG, just read the first post and now the second. You're doing good there, girl! I remember a post a long time back where you talked about how your parents decided everything for you and told you what to do. I'd definitely think along those lines, leaving the alcohol out. Throw in the initial excitement of being with one particular alcoholic personality and it's perfect.

((()))s
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Old 05-13-2007, 07:21 PM
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Super insights TG.
What I've found in my own journey is that often times it's hard to see how we ended up where we are or how or why we chose the route we've taken. But somewhere along the way of our journey, the answers start coming. And when we see those - our true recovery can begin as we learn to not go there again as we continue to get to know ourselves better.
Surprisingly, for me, I thought "well, gee, it's no wonder I married my A and stayed in this lifestyle so long" when I started seeing the patterns that had repeated in odd but familiar ways from my upbringing. Now you are seeing the patterns as well and I can tell you that it's progress.
I'm very proud of you for seeking the answers.
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Old 05-14-2007, 06:25 AM
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Yes, I didn't pick an alcoholic. I picked someone who acted out the cycles I was used to, a controller who I swore I wouldn't listen to but actually obeyed. He happened to have a drinking problem. And I happened to fit into what he needed for the cycle of his alcoholism too.
This is exactly how I put it to someone just this weekend.
Good thought process TG...you rock.


but I can't stop it because, get this, I don't want to disappoint them. So I wait it out until I can't anymore (like XAH) or things just run their course.
I can relate to this! I cant tell you how many relationsips Ive had that ended after I just let them 'run their course'..I didnt want to hurt anyone or disappoint them by breaking it off, so Id just let it get really bad and wait for them to leave. Problem with this last one, well..my plan didnt exactly work!

Good progress girl
Im glad you shared, it helped me today!
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Old 05-14-2007, 06:37 AM
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Wow,TG....what you said:double it! ditto to all the above!
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